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If the SHOE fits..

My MIL Ru and the EXPENSIVE shoes not in NARROW

Dear Diary,

Seemingly out of NOWHERE we were about 25 minutes into an intense decision making process of whether we were going to spend $567 on a pair of rhinestone stacked heel pumps that would go with everything in my MIL Ru’s wardrobe. Like she would look so hot pairing them with her JC Penney’s rayon blended slacks and her “my mother went to France and all she brought me was this damn tee-shirt” top.

We stood there admiring them and the shoe salesman walks up and is all, “How are you ladies today?” A fair enough question if you ask me. But someone took that another way and starts with her eye batting routine totally freaking the guy out and he’s like, “Ma’am are you OK? Do you want to lay down?” Ah yes. You knew it was coming didn’t cha? Cue the coy flirty innocent fairy girl and.. GO!

Why l-a-y d-o-w-n? What EVER did you have in mind cute young metrosexual gentleman? (For possibilities click HERE and HERE and HERE and..)

Shut-UP. I KNOW. As if any insignificant urrrr.. PREFERENCE settings on HIS part are going to derail HER plans.. right. Immediately I DO what I usually do in instances like these.. cover for Ru’s HEINOUS behavior with something in the ballpark of..

“She’s only lived in the country a short time.. she’s here visiting.”

Well.. I had to think fast and Ru— once she set’s her (slightly macular degenerated) sights on someone it’s over.

“Ohhh. That’s nice. Where are you from?”

GAWD. Here we go.

RU: That place (gazing intently into dudes green eyes and Adonis face) where we all live and sleep together.

Yup. Happy you ASKED pretty boy? Can you say Dementia? I know you can.

We’re hemming and hawing.. trying to justify the purchase of—The artist formerly know as Prince’s SHOES and our pleasant salesman, after learning who would actually be WEARING the shoes.. became incredibly helpful in dissuading Ru with..

“I THINK they might be..”

Continue kindly sir..

“..marked down 50%. Want me to check?”

Yeah. Why don’t you do THAT. Run along.

The artist formerly known as Prince 's shoes

Wait a minute. What is he bringing us from the corner? Dude— It better not be Balenciaga.. because Ru already told me that they run narrow. Ohhhh. These are cuteeeee. Granny? What do you think? Are these cute or WHAT.

“I THINK you’d better stop calling me GRANNY or my FRIEND here will get the wrong idea.”

Temper. Temper.

No we wouldn’t want THAT. (tsk tsk) Heaven forbid the shoe guy REJECTS you solely on the basis of.. AGE. Heh. We could so sue him if he did that. Moving right along.. Can you shove your foot in these?

These shoes were ADOREABLE. You guys I. DIE. They were kind of a nautical canvas flat.. with rubber soles to give the illusion of sturdiness for when one slips over say.. stray walkers left out in the hallways of ROAM (Random Occasional Accidental Memory). Perfect. Now.. about the color. Ru? Do you want the blue ones.. or the red ones? Well, the skull and cross bones ones are darling too— but I’m thinking I’ve already SEEN them on Greta.

That was a falsehood. It was Ru’s neighbor in 234C Blanche. If I told Ru it was Blanche, she’d get her proverbial GRANNY PANTIES in a bunch and you would seriously be able to watch her lip curl and sparks fly from her nostrils running the risk of setting her Fu manchu moustache (that I haven’t had time to pluck) on FIRE. I can hear it now, WELLLLL.. blah blah blah. Blanche can just go suck an egg because the last time I bought something special and unique those opaque tights (beige support hose) SHE ran out and bought the same ones herself. Imagine? I think on principle we should go ahead and buy these ones with the little stick-men on them.

Don’t you love how.. when you finally find the shoe you HAVE to have, you turn it over and find it’s way out of your price range. That’s what I’m being told by Miss Ru Mae Martyrdom. Seriously Ru? TOO much? Because WAKE UP.. in the REAL world we don’t PAY $1.50 for FRIGGIN’ shoes at a TOP END department store. I mean puh-leeeeze. REALITY CHECK— and since we all know THAT’S so not going to happen (reality ANYTHING). Not now. Not E-V-A-H. I move towards the next best thing in my arsenal of trickery and treachery. Aptly named.. the LIE.

“Ru. Guess what? Here.. lay down for a minute. You look stressed and (reaching around in purse) hungry. Tic-tac? The thing is Ru.. that the shoes you like (stalling).. Oh YO! Cute guy.. come over here for a sec. Did you say those canvas shoes are MARKED d-o-w-n? (nodding head in affirmative.. so guy is a part of plot) Like the special of the day?”

RU: What do you think these are.. SOUP?

SHOE GUY: Thosssssssse? Ummmm. I don’t think so.

Sir, I am going to.. without any hesitation, take every DIME of your drat commission.. if I should close this sale.. I’ll tell you that RIGHT NOW.

“Could you go LOOK?”

Then SOMEONE.. after sticking her hand in her mouth and examining the remains of the slimy tic tac with a.. WHAT do I have here? Decided to go all fiscally responsible and lay this guilt trip on me for even entertaining the idea of spending over our agreed upon limit of.. $1.50. “I can’t just go out and buy these” she says and oh here comes the best part. I HAVE TO COME DOWN TO EARTH. Why Ru? You won’t LIKE it here on our planet. Why don’t you consider staying right where you are.. with all the nice people that you live and sleep with.. EH?

Yeah. I don’t now where the Canadian “EH” thing came from either. I sound good in Canadian. More.. Compassionate as I deliver my tender eldercare to my loved ones.

“Get over it.”

As we’re purchasing the shoes my dear Ru looks at me and delivers the Pièce de résistance..

I guess I’m just not used to the HIGH LIFE (sigh)

Nah. Not. At. All.

-A

Love the shoes Ru!

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Posted in Uncategorized 7 years, 7 months ago at 7:09 pm.

3 comments

3 Replies

  1. widdlydids Mar 24th 2010

    Oh those tights I brought yesterday. The one’s the poledancers use to wear years ago, that are now ok for me to wear under my short winter dressers with my kneehighs leather boots *which were on 50% sale*. Which I walk down the street, fighting with a 2 year old, flashing my kickers, as I flirt with old richers gentlemen - (joking on that 1).
    The smile is a grateful one.
    Ky

  2. LOL! How old is Ru and how long has she been suffering dementia? I’m surprised she remembers who you are. Nana has another UTI (or never got rid of the last one I’m guessing) so she has been CRAZY! And when I took her urine sample of course I thought of you! lol

  3. Adrienne Mar 25th 2010

    GAWD I love you.. Thinking of me when you’re collecting pee. Awesome. Ask Ru and she’ll tell you she’s 92. She does that so people will be all, “WOW. You look AMAZING for 92″. She’s really 83 but I keep that hush hush. I can’t remember how long she’s had dementia..eternity? I’m still wondering if, for the last fifteen years.. it’s ALL BEEN AN ACT:) Good luck with nana..