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A day in COURT

Ruth enjoying the rosesDear Diary,

I have a question. Should women DATE the married men they live with? Is this ever a good idea? So, let’s say for the sake of argument.. that there’s this GUY that you think is just d-i-v-i-n-e and he lives in room 217 on the dementia floor— right next to you. Good. Now, let’s add another element.. Say he’s not married.. then a week into the relationship, POOF— suddenly “remembers” he is. What do you do with that information? Sure..he tells you his sob story about his floozy eighty-eight year old wife living down stairs. How she conspiratorially moved him upstairs to the ROAM floor NOT because he had episodes of following strangers out of Happy Daze Assisted Livings front door yelling,“Hey.. that’s mah boy ova there..HOLLAAAAA!” But.. because she was cheating on him— with another dude. Do you believe his tale of woe? Or kick his pathetic excuse for buttocks to the curb? All of you riding on moral high horses climb on down and let me explain..then you can be judgey if you so choose.

My MIL Ruth also has dementia and she knows full well that this gives her carte blanche to do pretty much whatever the heck she wants. Let’s say she wakes up one morning and thinks that it might be nice to strike up a relationship with a good looking gentleman(s). Why not? Nothing else to do. With some minimal assistance she gets all gussied up in her finest stretchy pants (last season) and body hugging “sharewear” top from next door neighbor Shirley (two doors and two sizes.. down) and marches into the dining room deciding which lovely gentlemen will be the recipient of her charms. Ruth is one of those girls that with a slight crook of the finger all the suitors jump in line. Maybe jump is not the right word in this case..more like “wheel in line” or “shuffle quickly in line”. Whoever gets to Ruth first wins. But only if they’re:

- reasonably good looking. Suitors must be able to “see” or pretend to, Ruth’s beautiful smile and her lovely eye’s with those “dramatically drawn on” expressive brows. What you shouldn’t be able to see are the chin hairs that developed in under 24 hours..Causing me to ponder the idea that m-a-y-b-e her facial moisturizer is acting like a fertilizer to nourish new sproutings.

-packing their own teeth or at the least..a pretend set that stays in with good glue. She will notice when their dentures do the slip and slide while they chew and talk.

click.   click.   clack.   click.

Not a good look for anybody. But fascinating to watch.

-drive a nice car. They cannot remember that they “..now drive a 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air Convertible.” SOOO will not stand a chance. Go directly to back of line.

Today she had an announcement to make and decided to hurl it in my direction in the middle of chin hair weeding. As I.. the forever steady handed MOTHER PLUCKER, began to work my way through the thatch that had just recently popped up (much akin to the Hairy Crabgrass sprouting on my lawn) Ruth shared her good news.

“I’m seeing two nice married boyfriends. We all get along so well.. OUCH! What happened there? You find a big one?”

I always like to play it cool. You know..just until I can gather all the dirt scoop. It can take upwards of two..maybe three hours to get to the crux of the sordid tale. What you don’t want to do is PANIC. Just nice and easy does it.

ME: (caps lock voice): COME AGAIN?

RUTH: I’ll bet you even know these fellas..lets see one is named..ummm…

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

ME: Is it Gart and Cracks?

RUTH: Ooh. Ouch. Ooch. Yeah.. How’d you know? Did I tell you before?

ME: No. I just guessed.

Here’s what I know about Cracks and Gart.

Cracks can’t seem to keep his story straight about his marital status. Wow. Shocking. I. Know. First he’s “not married and I’ve been single all of my life.” Then his wife shows up (to bust his sorry posterior) from downstairs..Bertie, and suddenly he’s all, “I want you to meet my wife of fifty-two years we have five children and 13 grand children and thirty-five great grandchildren together. Now sit right here on the couch with us for an hour Ruth and let me rattle off all of their names and birth dates to you.

Then what happens when “Bertie” walks out the keypad locked faux bookcase and heads back down stairs?

Wife? What wife? I don’t have a wife. That lady that was just here? Don’t be silly..THAT was my mother.

Peh.

Ruth fell for him in all of five seconds. Not just because of his “amazing” backhand during Wii tennis but also because he’s a sharp dresser and a great conversationalist. What do they talk about? It’s mostly about him.. Cracks tells her all about his top position as Productions Assistant for RCA..specializing in record player productions.

“Remarkable year we had..this year. With that new fella Bing Crosby putting out all those great records. The kids need something to play them on huh?

Heh. Heh. Heh.

“Tee-hee-hee.” Laughs Ruth, in her polite lady like titter (no..I didn’t say twitter). She looks up at him with her big eyes and flashes him her pearly yellows and I’m telling you..poor Cracks can’t help but drop soup down the front of himself..

Cracks has another name..it’s Heath. Ruth and I just named him cracks because he likes to wear his pants on his hips like “those fellas I see on TV.” I don’t know why the staff lets these people watch that GARBAGE. When I leave the TV room (after Cribs is over)..  my guess is that.. they are secretly turning it back to MTV. Where else would Ruth be getting the idea to wear her intimate apparel on the outside of her shirt and “forget” to put on DEPENDS under her slacks. Thanks Paris. Lindsay.

Gart is the one with the cheating eighty-eight year old wife. I guess he could POSSIBLY be telling the truth. It’s not completely out of the question. Maybe his “old lady” IS cheating on him.. I’ll have to inform my team of special investigators..Agent Fran #9 and Agent Lil #13 to take mental notes. They watch and know everything that goes on around Happy Daze Assisted and will be MORE than willing to keep eagle eyes on old Garts wife. Until then..anything goes.

My Sandwich Generation..who are we to judge? We can’t possibly hang a guy simply for forgetting he’s married. We will allow him to live..provided he produces a medical certificate proving without a shadow of a doubt that he’s NOT faking. Not an easy deal to watch your loved one date..but the reality is whatever makes them happy..makes YOUR life easier. See..there is an upside to dementia.

Guilty!

A

Copyright © 2009 My Sandwich Generation. All rights reserved.

Posted in Uncategorized 8 years, 4 months ago at 12:51 am.

2 comments

2 Replies

  1. maybe those little bits of happiness are what keep em goin even if they dont remember it later, maybe it become part of their spirit like a lite at the end of the tunnel thru all the confusion, something to remind them the days r coming when they will remember who they really are again.

  2. Adrienne Jun 15th 2009

    Jill,
    That is so right! Those moments of joy become important on such a deeper level! Thank you for your comment! All best to you..
    -Adrienne