My Sandwich Generation: Self Preservation Without the Headache

THE GRANNY DIARIES

Welcome to THE GRANNY DIARIES new home. Wipe your feet and come on in. Sure hope you’re HUNGRY. Just look below!

Posted 22 hours, 1 minute ago at 12:26 am.
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Whoa! So, there I am.. just sitting with granny Marnie, completely minding our own business and focusing intently on each others lovely faces.. as we stuff cinnamon roll into them with wild abandon. In all fairness it so happens that the Start Your Day off DEAD Right: Morning Joy Sweet Roll appeared to be, at first glance, the lowest calorie option on the Killjoy Senior Living menu. I suppose if I hadn’t been in such a terrific amount of haste to get through the wasted PRECIOUS time of menu ordering and get right down to the important bonding experience with Marnie.. I might have noticed the Egg White Omelet choice in that small teensy four inch bold print in the lower left hand corner of the menu entitled “Spartan Martyr Cuisine”. Oh who cares— the time should be spent engrossed in quality conversation and reflection that I’ll remember a lifetime without worrying about the crap we’re shoving in our mouths.

“Don’t look now.. STOP. I t-o-l-d you not to look. Just sit there and pretend I’m telling you a joke. (Looking at Marnie and hitting her arm ) Ahhhh hahaha ahhhhhaaaaaaa.. K. Stop now and swallow cuz that was just nas-tay looking— all in there gross. Who’s that lady with the ugly bright pink acrylics (nom nom) I thought you told me they went out of style around here (gulp) and that’s why I’M giving you a French manicure every week?”

Then Marnie cranes her neck around and lifts her entire body out of the electric scooter about a FOOT to see who it is I’m trashing before she contributes eagerly. Talk about some serious upper body strength to pull off THAT Yoga pose. Picture granny doing a modified peacock meets the Pommel Horse, without wearing the unitard. Heh. Nice. What did I tell you? Lifting MORNING JOY rolls to the mouth on a regular basis builds good strong upper body fat.

Turning back to me, Marnie assumes her, I’M GOING TO BE REALLY SUBTLE AND WHISPER IN YOUR EAR head position.Then quietly, like a little mouse into a PA system..

“OHHH. The lady with the TRASHY VULGAR PINK PRESS-ONS? Is THAT who you’re looking at dear? Don’t you remember her? (from the Hitchcock thriller) I think—Didn’t she babysit you when you were an infant?”

O M GEEEE! You are r-i-g-h-t Marnie. It’s all coming back to me now. It. Was. Her. A young girl of 70 or 75 then, my mother caught her entertaining boys and smoking GAWD only knows WHAT in our fireplace— while I was in my crib (chewing on the lead railing) screaming for HOURS on end, without anything to eat (shoving cinnamon roll in mouth). I weep for the YOUNG me.

After Marnie so kindly got her neighbors attention, I then was forced to mouth HELLO and gave her one of my Macy’s Parade float waves with adorable smile plus cutesy nose scrunch in the hopes of softening the BLOW. Yup. I said it. Then I start with the shaking of my noggin in the affirmative, and some stupid fake laugh in the lady’s direction. So she can see that, YES.. there’s really something wrong with me— so it’s all good. Cripes. Marnie why don’t you finish up smooshing that wad of doughy delight between your cheeks and gums so I can get the HALLE out of here without anymore incident.

As we were mid-sentence analyzing all this startling new bogus information of my childhood.. Thus explaining fully a whole HOST of odd behaviors according to Marnie that were linked to inhalation of second hand cigarette smoke that could not make its way up my parents fake chimney— this really clean and marginally well dressed gentleman approached our table. Thinking that it might be a very SMART thing to invite him to join us and get back at Marnie for making me look like a bigger ARSE (If that’s possible and obviously it SOOOO is) then I already am. I invited.

“Oh won’t you come sit and (OUCH) have some (OUCH) breakfast with (scowling at Marnie driving her scooter into my leg) OUCH.. US?” Obviously SOMEONE had a problem with this particular youngish (in his late eighties) guy joining ONE of us who is poised to have fun and get kind of wild and crazy then let her hairpiece fall down where it may. Not so fast granny. As it would be inexcusable to pass up an opportunity like this– On behalf of all your grandchildren who have suffered HUGE embarrassment in their PAST, at your crooked hand.. Bwahahaha.

So dude. Wanna take a load off? We aren’t in a rush at all. Are we Marnie?

“Well. We have to go now.”

ME: Where do we have to go?

MARNIE: To the thing. We HAVE to go really fast to the t-h-i-n-g.

Ah yes. The THINNNNNNG. Oh how I love my life. La!

ME: Marnie.. what will we do at the thing, once we get there? Maybe we should invite mister? Uhhhhh. What did you say your name is?

MARNIE: It’s something with a body part.. Hisbutt

GUY: Herbert

MARNIE: Close enough..

Herbert, would YOU like to have breakfast with us and then go to the THING? I’m sure we won’t be there long.. then the two of you can hook up after and go over to Marnies place. Get snookered out of your heads, have wild somethin somethin and.. What? It’s not like I don’t know how your mind works Marnie. WOW! To think— my MOTHER might even get a new baby brother out of the deal. Heh. Feel pressure much?

Marnie made the correct choice to fess up that SHE actually already has a “friend” who’s closer to her age and he’s a DOCTOR. Every mothers dream.. a doctor who practiced when they still used leeches. I’m so proud and excited. Unfortunately we’re still in the playing HARD to GET stage so I wouldn’t be all holding your breath to get a wedding post anytime soon. The best is yet to come!

Here are my digits. Don’t call me.

They’ll call YOU.

-A

Posted 22 hours, 1 minute ago at 12:25 am.
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Picture of the day: TEMPTATION

You know what this is? This is a JOKE that’s what it is. Granny Marnie was hired to be my MIL Ru’s workout coach instead of ME because Ru INSISTED she’d do better with someone who could inspire her to work hard and accomplish her goals. Instead of.. let’s say, a coach who shouts, “OK. It’s time for your first quickfire temptation challenge” then goes and dangles some sumptuous, amazing (still warm) cheese danish (taken off the free cookies and tea room platter) in front of her face all, “HEY granny— slow down for a sec. YOU want a piece of this.. cuz I can’t eat the whole thing.”

Please note.. I only did it to TEST “team dementia’s” willpower and see if she wants this weight loss more then anything. Unfortunately for Ru she’s not a game player and I get blamed by her new COACH for adding a two pound penalty on to her weigh-in after she eats the whole thing.. and sends me back for the cherry one.

Posted 5 days ago at 9:33 pm.
2 comments

Made a PASS

Dear Diary,

I’m just not crazy for these teacher student meetings. No. What I actually can’t STAND is the smug face of my MIL Ru’s (almost never) friend’s DAUGHTER, prancing out of the Happy Daze Assisted Living special back room. Reserved for random meetings with family, assessing proper course of action for SUVIE’S (senior-juvenile delinquents) caught in repeated acts of skulduggery and other problematic behaviors from residents. Those are really the only times I can recall the ROAM (Random Occasional Accidental Memory) floor staff congregating (with no cookie tray). You walk in and everyone’s sitting around a single metal desk, trying not to be judgie— flashing you the pathetic “We know we can’t be hating on your MIL.. because she’s so sweet and innocent, but we most certainly can nail YOUR sorry arse” smile.

Then the head person (decided via rock paper scissors) unabashedly shuffles through files holding papers with the wrong persons name on it and starts in with, “DID you know blah blah Ru shows up in her lips and hearts nightie at 3:00 am and blah blah blah while her girlfriends blah and blah, cheer her on as she blah blah WALTER who’s wearing his little skimpy Navy night dress and blah blah yelling LOOK AT THOSE LEGS! WOO HOO! What’s UNDER there WALTER? THEN blah wakes up all the other residents.” Hmmmmm. We can’t have THAT happen again now caaaaaaaan we?

Which brings me to sitting here waiting for the commencement of.. Winter Quarter progress report for Ru’Mae. I would have no problem if I could’ve followed an act like… FAYE instead of Blanche. Dancing on tables for a living and screaming obscenities when no one tips her. Hmpf. That HAS to trump any small indiscretions my MIL might have partaken of. Still the aching question remains— as I move towards the door for what is going to be a rip roaring awesome time. How best to make my way past little goodie goodie without SMACKING her silly as I go?

“Hey Ru’s DIL. You’re up. Wish I could listen in on YOURS (snort) but mom’s waiting on the bench across from the fish tank. She and I are going out for a double (therapy session?) ice cream cone because she is doing SOOOOOO well here and everyone adores her. She sleeps through the night, never hurls insults at others behind their backs and is so rule abiding it’s almost chill-ing..” (flashes obnoxious smile)

Oh please..don’t stop THERE dear. How about a little more gloat in my direction and perhaps a dig just for effect.

“How’s Ru doing? I heard from moooooom that Ru and Marion were messing with some of the other girls denture dishes so no one knew who’s teeth were who’s and hmmmm come to think of it they also got totally BUSTED mixing up electric tooth brush heads as well. Any truth to that or is that just a vicious rumor? Anyway tra la la.. see you later.”

Ru’Mae’s Progress Report For Winter Quarter

KEY:

C = Consistently observed

This resident consistently and independently meets expectations (hahahahaha)

G = Generally observed

This resident generally meets expectations

N = Needs prompting (needs MORE then THAT)

This resident meets expectations with assistance and redirecting (and bribery)

R = Rarely observed

This resident rarely meets expectations and is happy to do so

COOPERATIVE WORKER

1. Participates appropriately with other people on her floor when they have better ideas then she does: N

2. Cooperates and interacts positively with all her friends and their wives: R

3. Shows respect for property and always points out when she’s accidentally “dinged” a piece of furniture by bashing into it or stolen something from someone by mistake: G

SELF-DIRECTED LEARNER

1. Chooses appropriate times in the middle of the night and early morning hours to interact with peers: C

2. Follows directions repeated under fifteen times but over thirteen: N

3. Is prepared with materials and ready to work when folding napkins, setting the table or hoisting Roger off the floor with a belt strap: G

4. Organizes workspace and materials. Bra drawer turned into shoe holder and sock drawer for one stop shop, DEPENDS bag organized to hide precious jewels, Kleenex box filled with emergency chocolate stash: C

5. Makes productive use of class time by sleeping, shouting out “When’s the BUS RIDE?” or talking to neighbor about third breakfast: C

6. Works independently as opposed to walking around saying “What are we supposed to be doing now?”: R

7. Produces quality work on Macaroni necklace, foam visor, shrinky dink pin: N (couldn’t sell for asking price)

8. Writes and text messages legibly and tweets coherently: C

Your senior qualified for & received supportive services as checked

1. Academically Gifted and Talented ROAM Program X

2. Learning support program with emphasis on learning words to Beyonce songs X

3. Individual Education (by DIL) on lipstick application and face cream distribution X

Attendance

Days Present: 0

Days Absent: 3 years

Days Tardy to meals: 0

Well, THIS report card is going to earn SOMEONE a trip to NORDSTROM for that leopard print UGG she’s been asking for.. that’s for darn sure. How proud am I you guys? Whoa. I love the part when the report states organizes workspace and materials. Funny how it wasn’t mentioned that the whole CLOSET is routinely colored coordinated and merchandised to perfection.. with the long dresses in flannel going up towards the front with a matching necklaces looped around the hanger and the pants have been matched with a similar color story pajama top, for that “I just rolled out of bed and flung a little something on and didn’t even try” look. Where’s my girl.. I’m (sigh) so very proud. Would have perhaps enjoyed seeing a slightly higher mark in the independent worker category.. but whatever.

As I emerged from the office all-full of grins and giggles who do you think was waiting in line for HER moms conference? Why.. it’s FAYES daughter come to hear the praises sung of little miss potty mouth herself. Good luck in getting into the GIFTED and TALENTED program Faye.. gotta work on that table dismount.

GPA: AWESOME

-A

Posted 1 week ago at 9:49 pm.
2 comments

THE BIGGEST LOSER

Dear Diary,

SOMEONE got the brilliant idea (already you know who it’s NOT) that it was time to step up her MIL Ru’s OLD workout plan— from the daily meandering around the block in front of her place at Happy Daze Assisted Living (floor dementia).. to hitting the seated elliptical and lifting something heavier then a handful of green foil thin mints from the downstairs dining room candy bowl, into her mouth. According to Ru.. she heard from somebody on her floor who by the way is an EXPERT (gag).. it’s absolutely necessary to take one or two mints by mouth (as opposed to what.. rectally?) every three to five minutes to replenish calories lost through.. foot sweat. “Oh pleeeze. You heard that from Blanche didn’t you? She is such a saboteur.. she doesn’t WANT you looking better then her in your summer capris and support hose. You need to KNOW your players Ru.. it’s a DOG EAT DOG EAT DOG AGAIN floor granny.

Every few seconds as granny was riding the “trike” she’d be all, “How long have I been ONNNNNN this thing? I’m not going anywhere.” Let me tell you, I’ve been watching The Biggest Loser and garnering training tips from the goddess of lean.. Jillian Michaels herself. I know EXACTLY how to handle simpering wussy babies like this one.

“WHAT’S a matter? You gonna cry? CRY then. Tell me RIGHT now.. are you going to quit? Because I don’t like crybaby quitters in this gym. Don’t you throw up.. YOU. Keep. Going. What’s the matter r-e-a-l-l-y? Dig DEEP Ru. Tough childhood? Nordstrom credit limit?”

RU: Why would I throw up? What did I eat?

ME: I want you to push FASTER and tell me WHY you’re HERE.

RU: Well.. let’s see. I’m here because (unwrapping mint patty and popping in mouth) it’s sprinkling outside and you just did my hair?

I’m really glad the cameras were turned off during my training session people.. because after about five minutes, when Ru looked like she was getting bored and I was sick of standing there picking up candy wrappers from the floor and running to get her tea so she could HYDRATE. Because GAWD FORBID some sort of leg cramps happen during mile ONE.. right? I might have said something akin to, Hey.. let’s go get something to eat from across the street like a SUBWAY SANDWICH. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Jillian says it. But, Ru looks at me like ARE ya nuts? I just worked out for five whole minutes. I’m sure as HALLE not eating a PICKEL and gaining it all back. Oh yeah. So the BETTER idea is to first try and CLIMB your way onto the scale for positive feedback.. you know it’s important to SEE the results of all the amazing dedication and hard work on the TRIKE ride. Then.. we’ll grab something healthy— maybe a high in fiber Pumpkin scone.

Off go the UGGS— proving some things you guys.. are NEVER forgotten. Then grabbing hold of my hand she gingerly steps on the huge circa 1950 scale and after steadying herself swishes my hand away because I’m adding “dead weight”. Yup. That is so ME. Dead freakin WEIGHT. Just let me point a small detail out to you— Ru can’t read the numbers on the scale. Not for all the free mints in China.. if they do indeed offer free mints there. Which I am not saying that they don’t.. I just don’t KNOW. K? Whatever.. moving on.

“How much does it say I weigh?”

Ummmmm.. 135.

“WHAT (panic)?”

Cripes.

“Urrrrr.. 130 then. It says 130.”

“Naaaaah. I can’t be 130..can I?”

Judging from her expression.. the answer to THAT question is, NO WAY you most certainly can NOT be 130. There must be something wrong with this crap scale granny so let’s make it easy on me (THAT will be the day). Why don’t YOU tell me how much it says. You want it to be 115 pounds? Surrrrrre you do. Fine. SHAZAM. You’re 115. Better?

“WOW! I’m the thinnest I’ve ever been. Might need to add an extra dessert to lunch is what I’m thinking.”

Did you subtract for the sweater?

ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE is my final offer.

-A

Posted 1 week, 4 days ago at 10:24 pm.
1 comment

PARTY POOPER

Dear Diary,

Do you know the amount of tedious labor that’s involved in getting my granny Marnie (electric scooter girl) and my MIL Ru (dementia) ready for a party these days? Oh what a joke you guys because I have to be so organized with the schedule for nails and hair. Plus I have to make sure everyone has their eyebrows drawn on correctly or see to it that their eyebrows are drawn on with as close of an approximation to some brown hue, as opposed to say.. experimenting at the last minute with Estee Lauder Red Poppy lip liner because SOMEONE thought she read somewhere that it would really make her eyes POP. Oh yeah Ru.. but you’re NOT Marilyn Manson now are you? So I suggest we take them off and try it again. K? This is where I totally get into character and start being all beauty salon technician— seating Ru in a special chair in her bedroom that I like to call my.. SPECIAL CHAIR.

“Hello? I’m sorry.. what did you say your name was again? I need to check my book to see what time your appointment is. Hmmmm.. Have you been here before? OOPS. NEVER MIND.. That was a dumb question. Who are you seeing today Ru?”

“Who am I seeing? Heh heh heh..Wouldn’t YOU like to know? Let’s see.. I think his name is..”

ME: (rolling eyes towards heavens) Nooooooo. Who’s doing YOUR hair and face today? Come on Ru.. just be with me won’t you in our own completely bogus reality. Even though I know it’s QUITE the departure from how you USUALLY live your life. Feh. This is now a beauty salon and I’m your girl. So.. who are you here to see today?

RU: I don’t know.. I forgot her name.

I get all set up with my supplies and begin to scrutinize the birthday girl’s features.. with the well trained eye of a seasoned con artist. Yuh huh. Have no freakin idea what kind of FACE I’m supposed to create with a tube of gunked up foundation from 1983 with some mighty nice (putting on back of wrist for skin match) GREYISH undertones. For the girl that wants that pasty I’M JUST DECEASED but ready to rock the town.. look. OMG. What’s THIS? A blush compact.. which people I totally recognize as this gift with purchase from my Clinique mascara a few years back. Neon magenta typically is the MOST flattering to all complexion types.. so maybe I’m doing something wrong because as I finish sweeping the pink powder on the apples of Ru’s cheekbones, in kind of a backwards “C” towards her eyes. You know.. like all the magazines tell you to do.

Granny’s all “well? How do I look?” Gah. I HATE really hard quizzes when I’m focusing. I stepped back (tripping over my purse) to ponder this question and WHO pokes her little blue-foiled head in the door to advise? But only the top ROAM (Random Occasional Accidental Memory) floor fashionista herself.. Marion.

“Who the halle smacked her upside the head like that? Maybe you should blend all that purple and blue and.. (leaning in and breathing dragon breath) green eye shadow, together more and really make her look like she TOOK it h-a-r-d. She’ll get an extra dessert at lunch if you do. Do you want ME to show you.. here give me that tampon. The trick is to blend it and blend it.. so that it all looks like one big (stepping back to assess) Hahahaha.” Oh shut it Marion. Obviously some people don’t keep up with the latest looks in VAGUE. I think Ru looks.. dramatic.

Wouldn’t you guess.. Ru’s BUSTING with excitement to go show off her look downstairs and I have no choice but to go along with her— of course keeping a safe distance between myself and my MIL. So people don’t get the wrong idea and think I beat her up or something. Unfortunately as we enter the All You Can Eat (and shove in your purse for later) free cookie and tea room there’s this group of about ten guys sitting around totally checking out Ru and pleeeeeze don’t think for a minute she MISSED that! Because.. of her AHBAD. Alzheimer’s Halted By Adorable Dudes. Hel-lo-oh? No way she’s gonna not slow WAYYYY down as she passes the table so they can get a real GOOD look of her YOUTHFUL beauty and totally real teeth.

“Look at all of you. I could cryyyyyy. Thank you so much for being here (shaking hands) and giving me SUCH a fantastic party and I want you all to just kick back (not too far) and enjoy yourselves. You can hand the gifts you brought to my DIL so you don’t forget to later.” *wink wink*

I’m looking at these old guys who have these blank (er) stares on their faces and chime in with my youthful fakey chirpy voice, “It’s Ru’s BIRTHDAY today. Isn’t that AWESOME? How about we do something for her?” They’re looking at me as if to say, WHAT exactly did you have in mind lady?

Ru has this devilish grin on her face that screams, YES! Score! You found my birthday present.. now see if you can finesse it a bit— get him to put on the SPEEDO tank and squeeze himself inside my cake and we’ll be good.

We stand there and wait for some kind of response. Anything. Then this one guy.. who’s been looking in his pocket the whole time for what.. his cell phone? Car keys? Ohhhh wait. Magnifying glasses and THOSE won’t be helping our cause at all. Peers over at Ru and says, “How old are you anyway?”

Oh I’m so sure. Who asks a question like THAT and thinks they’re going to get an answer that’s within ten to twenty years of said WOMANS real age.

“I turned NINETY-SEVEN today.”

Say wha? You’re eighty-two.

RU: Who cares how old I am.. did you hire me my little “birthday wish” yet? You REMEMBERED didn’t you?

Yeah. About that. Not happening granny.

Ru made a point (to the whole dementia floor and all the staff) about what she wanted MOST for her birthday. After I got over the initial shock and started to think it might be doable.. the last I heard he got busted and has a court appearance booked for today so he can’t make it. Drat.

Party pooper.

-A

Posted 2 weeks ago at 8:47 pm.
2 comments

Time of the MONTH

Dear Diary,

Can I just tell you right now that every single woman up on ROAM (Random Occasional Accidental Memory) floor at Happy Daze Assisted was having her PERIOD today. I don’t know what the HALLE is going on. I’m standing there in the middle of the dining room looking around for my MIL Ru and out of NOWHERE people— for no stinkin reason other then what I suspect is Auntie Flo’s ghost come to visit.. Faye, with this glazed fury look in her beady little eyes takes her walker from behind and bashes it full strength right into my cankles. AAACK. Drat it Faye. H-E-L-L-O I’m standing here woman. Could you have not GONE around me perhaps.. instead of trying to run me down in front of all these (cheering) witnesses and leaving me for dementia floor road kill. To which Faye, the kindly, old and feeble woman answers, “Well then MOVE your fat ARSE out of my way next time why don’t you. I have no other way to get around you.” Right Faye. No other way. Everyone’s sitting at the tables and you’re in a small space that can only accommodate a.. GOVERNORS Inaugural Ball (if they ever so chose to have one here..har har). Such the nice try.

I guess my yelps of pain sounded familiar to Ru because she looks up from the far end of the dining room and upon seeing me all doubled over (picking up my fallen .20 cents in tips off the floor).. starts yelling, “Help! Help! She’s fallen and she can’t get up”. Could we please be a little MORE dramatic when we scream that Ru? Just in case it takes a few DOZEN staff to come quickly sauntering in from all corners and gather around you waiting for further direction.. in roughly (checking watch) five to ten minutes.

Fortunately granny who wastes no time when a human LIFE (responsible for her basic comforts and beauty maintenance) is at stake, decided to take matters into her own hands and ask for a FASTER assessment by (looking around the room)

“YOU there. The enthusiastic girl with her hand raised yelling ME! ME! Quick.. off you go.” Faye— the conscientious hit and run felon HERSELF was going to take time out from downing her tables chocolate pudding surprise and check up on me. I. Am. Honored. She’ll enjoy doubling back to no doubt FINISH her work I would think. Faye decides to add MORE salt to the wound by whispering under her breath while smiling and flashing the thumbs UP sign to Ru, “Oh get off the floor. You’re nothing but a big baby.. like your sister over there in the hallway.. what-chu-ma-call-it. She’s been sitting on the kiss and cry bench sobbing her heart out because she doesn’t know where the TV REMOTE went to and she wants to change the channel on the FISH TANK. Hmpf. Why don’t you go help her and make yourself useful for a change.”

Hey Faye.. I know. Why don’t YOU roll John off the couch and curl up with a Hot Water (and Tonic) bottle. Maybe pop a few MIDOL. K?

As instructed I brought Beth— also known to answer to the name of WHAT-CHU-MA-CALL-IT (a nickname given to her by her BEST friend, WHAT’S-HER-FACE) back into the dining room after making a completely bogus promise that at my earliest convenience I would track down a Ti-Vo and hook it up to record What Not to Wear..from the fish tank when it comes on. Well, what would you have me do? It all sounded perfectly legit—throwing real technical terms like that around.. plus the “girl drama” stopped for a few seconds.. so chill. You should have seen her face when I’m all, “Beth.. just after the part when the little Orange fishy floats up to the top and gets eaten by the blue one.. YOUR show will be on. Cool. Huh? Not only THAT sweetie.. we’ll be able to fast-forward through all the commercials with my new state of the art, soon to be installed— UGGS shoe box. It should work real well balancing on top of the water pump. Want some chocolate?

I had to BRIBE my MIL with a Snickers before SHE caved and agreed to let.. What’s your name again dear?

(sniff sniff) Buh-uh-uh-uh (sniff)-ethh .. wait here it comes. One, two, three HOOOONKKKK. Ewwww.. Gross.

As I was saying.. BETH, sit down next to her. Ru has a realllly long selective memory.. and if it’s one thing she won’t forget it’s our little friend WUSSIE faces’ penchant for being a full on.. as Ru delicately puts it, “pain in the butt.” Fine Ru.. have it YOUR way. I guess (sarcasm drip) I could seat her next to your SHARED boyfriend Wilbur (drip) and see to it that she receives the proper comforting we all know she deserves (splat).

Way to get Granny’s panties in a bigger bunch.. ME. Ru’s like THIS I’d like to see you try. GO AHEAD. You won’t be able to pull Selma out of his face anyhow. This was so very true. Selma was all worked up spitting venom at poor Wilbur, “Don’t you DARE tell me I’m being moody and irrational. You keep THIS up.. you’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight mister.” Poor Wilbur get’s this look on his face like, LADY where the heck do you think I sleep EVERY night? Then reaches in his pocket and produces the two missing TV clickers and shuffles towards Ru’s table seeking asylum with friendlier nations.

“What time is kick off.. do you know?” Ru turns to him and full of snark replies, “Anytime you want to lean over.. we can make it happen.”

-A

Posted 2 weeks, 4 days ago at 9:36 pm.
1 comment

Happy Birthday Granny

My MIL Ru had a fantastic birthday right up to the point when SOMEONE took it upon herself to answer questions for the birthday girl.. that she probably would have been able to answer HERSELF. Maybe MARION.. had you given her more then THREE seconds before shouting out the WRONG answer she could have pulled it off WITHOUT your help. Ever think of THAT you little svengali?

Not only that.. my guess is that you shot out “NINETY-TWO” in some pathetic attempt to confuse Ru more and make YOURSELF feel better. Did you stop there? Ohhh noooo you most certainly did NOT. You transfer your own selfish desires to my MIL.. thinking somehow she could make it happen for the BOTH of you, with the whole “WISH for a GOOD LOOKING MAN” instruction. Hmpf. I’m sure my MIL would n-e-v-e-r even think to wish for something like THAT..
after she already asked me to pick one up to jump out of her cake.

Posted 2 weeks, 6 days ago at 10:02 pm.
1 comment

Mad Hatter

Dear Diary,

First off.. I’d like to thank Happy Daze Assisted Living for really zeroing in on and bringing to LIFE a hidden talent in my MIL Ru (dementia) that quite frankly I had no IDEA existed. One can only imagine the tremendous JOY and yes, PRIDE I get from being accosted by an over zealous sales girl shoving this gaudy foam VISOR at me, the very SECOND I walk into her room on the ROAM (Random Occasional Accidental Memory) floor. So what do I do? I let out some obligatory OOOHHHH’S and AHHHH’s.. which MAYBE I overdid a smidge— because then Ru starts PITCHING me the selling points of said HAT. Leaning in really close, I swear she was basically flaying me with the merchandise. Then she’s all—LOOK HERE what’s-your-face. I want you to know this VISOR was l-o-v-i-n-g-l-y hand made by me and I painstakingly added all these little die-cut foam shapes. Look.. it’s an adorable little turtle and the smiley face guy. I affixed them to the visor MYSELF. Hmpf. Wellllll?

This is the part where my CLERK goes all (more) delusional on me and starts DEMANDING I cough up the purported RETAIL asking price for her one of a kind, SIGNED for authentication purposes “work of art”. No kidding you guys. It’s almost as if she doesn’t know how to do business with a wise and LUCID customer after trying to pitch Walter and George all day. Pash-awww. Think. Granny. Why would they want to buy YOUR marked up 1000% special hat (with nary a rhinestone I might add), when they already have their own subpar (covered with all kinds of crap) “hood” which I heard (while sitting on the bench by the fish tank) they’ll turn around and SPIN to a hard up SELMA.. who dumped glue all over hers as per USUAL.

So.. in my own very easy ZEN way, I set Ru straight..

“What are you NUTS? Get a life granny. I’m SOOOO sure. You know what YOU’RE doing? You’re u-s-i-n-g dementia art projects that took all of FIVE minutes as a way to extort $25 bucks from your own FAMILY. Shocking.”

Ru looks at me with her world famous KITTY EYES and says, Nahhhhh. I don’t THINK I ever had that thought. Just go ahead and take a good look at this one-of-a-kind, hand crafted, piece of art. When you think of it as an INVESTMENT piece that you’ll wear and enjoy FOREVER on the courts.. it makes SENSE to pay top dollar. Nowwww what’s your decision?

Yah huh.. that could work except for one small detail. I don’t PLAY tennis. Remember? Too “CLUMSY” somebody once told me. Ring a bell?

GAAAAAAA. Fine. You take lay-a-way?

I’m SURE the asking price is due to granny thinking that she had a LIVE one with deep pockets (judging by my really expensive borrowed plastic G.I. Jo watch no doubt). Little did she suspect that I’m but a mere TIRE KICKER, with no real intention to purchase.. not now. Not ever. Period. Ummm.. also granny my husband (your SON) has told me repeatedly that I’m to make no unnecessary purchases on a whim without prior joint discussion. K? Period. Plussssss.. OMG I left my wallet in my suitcase headed for Tahiti.. do you take credit cards? Period.

After you tell the straight up truth.. because (sing song voice) HONESTY is the best policy (snort). The next step, MY Sandwich Generation friends.. if this situation should everrrrr happen to you. Would be to PROMPTLY and without delay.. re-direct. Re-FREAKIN direct.

Ru decided on second thought (Cuz there HAD to be more then ONE) that I was indeed a pathetic lookie loo and decided instead to GIFT me the visor. On one condition. That I walk up and down the hallways to MODEL her work and then hit the dining room for the FINALE. No problem until I caught a glimpse of Ru standing behind me in the mirror making a lovely “P” shape with her fingers on her forehead. That I have no DOUBT was intended to be an “L” for LOSER sign, but the signals got crossed. Granny’s all, I don’t know what YOU’RE talking about. I had a little itch on my eyebrow that’s ALL (cough cough).

Thank you Happy Daze for your great and I might add useful projects that produce a whole new crop of gifted and TALENTED designers (cons).. ready to take the fashion world by storm.

Be on the lookout for the new RU VISOR on your very own ROAM floor.

Coming soon!

-A