The Dating Game
Dear Diary,
Cripes! We really need to do something with the gender ratio in Happy Daze Assisted Living. I really can’t figure out why there are so few Pappy’s to such a colossal number of Grannies? This is one of the first things I noticed as Ruth moved into Dementia Central. Where are all the fellas? I’d maybe see one hanging out at the fish tank and then another chilling on the couch.. in palm up position (as if some phantom object was still nestled there). Yes, Ruth has dementia, but she’s also afflicted by terrible A.H.B.A.D (Alzheimer’s Halted By Adorable Dudes). If I want my life to be easy and Ruth’s dementia to slow in progression, then I had better start prowling ASAP!
Ladies you know how the game is played but because you may have forgotten the rules I’ll review them with you just after we bring out our first bachelor. He enjoys domino stacking, ancient trivia questions and BINGO..not to mention munching on Cornish Hen with Giblet Gravy and Lime Jello Mold, let’s give a warm welcome to..HARRY! (wild applause) ..COME ON OUT HARRY! H- A- R- R- Y!
What’s that you say, Harry? Yes, I am indeed sorry the game starts at nap time, but I promise it will be WORTH it when you meet the three lovely ladies you’ll have to choose from. Then guess what, Harry? Y-o-u will be approved to hook up with her AFTER the show. Let me introduce them to you now.
Bachelorette number one can you tell us your name please?
NO. 1: Hmmm?
ME as Show Host: Your name dear? Tell us your name?
NO.1: You already know my name? What’s the matter with you?
ME as S.H.: We’re playing a game grandma just go with it.
NO. 1: Well, my name is Ruth and..
ME as S.H.: and..?
NO. 1: ..and why are we doing it this way?
In order to be fair when it comes to the “pair up”, there is a certain protocol that is followed.
Established internally, the memo states clearly (in BOLD jumbo text).. “NO granny shall exhibit hussy behavior which consists of the following”:
1. Clinging, holding or guiding any male resident over to “available seat” next to oneself at lunch, without sign off from other female residents, may result in dismissal from hook-up eligibility.
2. Any kind of flirtatious behaviour i.e. wiping food off of gentleman’s face, asking to borrow his walker (or any discussion of brand, wheel type, m.p.h etc.) is strictly prohibited.
3. All verbal communication’s must be performed at least three inches away from gentleman’s face. If one is found to be speaking in gentleman’s ear due to hearing difficulty of fore mentioned party of the first then, proof of lack of hearing device must be obtained and shown to all parties of the second.
Mothers of MY SANDWICH GENERATION you of all people understand the meaning of “survival of the fittest”. Why do you think we kill ourselves every day on the freakin’ elliptical trainer? So we can stay fit! Maybe even look smokin’ to that special someone in our lives. Girlfriends.. when we’re old (hopefully our kids will have followed our lead and kept us in cool clothes and full make-up) it won’t be the food that keeps us going! Some things are just a part of our essential make-up. (No, I didn’t say ESSENTIALS MAKE-UP, although.. they have a great mineral powder foundation.) COMPANIONSHIP is the key to a happier aging experience. So, GOOD LUCK and may the best girl win.. the shot at being Harry’s Girl.
And that’s my number, feh!..such a HUSSY!
A
