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Chronicles of Marnielah: Or.. BLEEP! Marnie’s UNCENSORED

Dear Diary,

It occurred to me that this might be the perfect time to pay homage to my granny Marnie (electric scooter girl) and in the process bless YOU, by sharing her delicious pearls of wisdom which have flowed all too freely from her lips to fall on deaf my ears over the decades. I promise that with each phrase, you’ll find something to enrich your own lives, as I myself have, too many times to count. From a place (far far away) of the utmost love and respect.. with the intention to only nurture my feelings of inadequacy to herculean proportions, I proudly bring you:

The Chronicles of Marnielah

10. You look good TODAY dear.

This can really stand on it’s own. Notice how TODAY is emphasized to allow me to understand that just because I look acceptable at THIS VERY MOMENT.. tomorrow I have the ability to go back to looking like I always do.. a sizzling hot mess of awesomeness.

9. I like your hair like THAT.. pulled back off your face.

It’s not that Marnie necessarily wants to SEE the face it’s just.. she doesn’t want to view the HAIR.. more.

8.  I have a sweater that’s a bit loose on me (because it belonged to my husband) Would you LIKE IT?

THIS comment could EASILY be misconstrued as a way for Marnie to call me FAT without coming right out and saying it. This is SO NOT the case. As THAT will happen in following statements. What she’s trying to say is.. she’s SKINNIER then my fat ass.

7. You look skinnier today.. must be the pants.. huh?

Have you noticed that we have here more of a statement, then a question? She’s obviously pointing at the fact that usually I’m LARGER, but today for some weird reason these amazing baggy sweatpants have succeeded in trimming me down a good POUND. Today. The “HUH” part of the equation? A simple cheap ploy to draw me into the conversation, to reveal how much I’ve lost or so Marnie may comment on how MUCH I should lose.

6. Ohhh.. You wore make-up today.

That’s it. Nothing else. It could have been, “Oh. You wore makeup today and you look lovely. Maybe even, “You wore makeup today.. it covers your bags so nicely”. Nope. I put on some lipstick and I get NOTHING.

5. Are you going to eat that whole thing? Here.. I’m not going to eat MINE. (pause) YOU take it.

This is the timeless classic. No comment necessary. The answer MUST be NO to all of the above or I will find myself smack dab in the middle of the NEXT observation..

4. Are your PANTS getting a little tight across the touchas? (please see ass, buttocks, posterior)

I hate this one so I always respond, “THAT’S how the girls are wearing them these days.. pulling across the top so the button can’t be fastened and highlighting my cellulite dimples in the back, with my muffin top flopping over. It’s the LOOK.” Enough said.

3. What’s new dear.. nothing?

This is a trap.. but you already figured THAT out. It’s a way for SCOOTER GIRL to uncover all kinds of bits of juicy gossip, that she can in turn SPIN for CHOICE Bridge table fodder at my expense. That is, IF I should be stupid enough (again) to reveal something so that I should not look like a pathetic and dull loser.. which I most certainly could by some accounts BE (please see MIL Ru).

2. Since you’ve got NOTHING to do.. come to the movie tonight.

Sigh. N-o-t-h-i-n-g.

1.  Would you like a job as a nail girl here at KillJoy? You do my nails so nicely. I’ll bet THEY’D HIRE YOU IN A HEARTBEAT (slacker). Would you like to work (at a REAL job)? Or no?

Marnie.. I love you.

How much do THEY pay?

-A

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