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BROKEN RECORD

My MIL RuDear Diary,

This entire week I’ve been sounding like a broken record. First I’m greeted by granny Marnie who’s rocking the David Bowie, Life on Mars, gangrenous eyed look. Let’s see.. there’s a swath of pink. Oh.. and a rich plum color, more in the creases of the lid to play off the orange-red of the eyeball. But mostly green and bluish hue’s. You know— to accentuate the swelling and MAKE the eye really look like it’s POPPING.. OUT. I’ll bet you guys think THIS sounds like a medical condition that might possibly fall under EMERGENCY status. Like I should have made her CANCEL the bridge game and gone straight to the doctor. Are you kidding? Just pick up her lithe 180 pound ass pound frame from the electric scooter and carry her into the car kicking and screaming. Well.. I’ve got news for you, FREE WILL people. There will be no doctor appointment today. I was trying to LIFT her out of the scooter.. and my back went out.

“Mark my words Marnie. It’s gonna fall right out and then DON’T you dare come crying to me with your good eye. Got it?”

I decided to go with Marnie’s sound argument that she’s still BREATHING. If she weren’t.. she’d sit the game out. I almost believe her. Plus a really good friend who USED to be a NURSE of the veterinarian variety ALREADY examined her. I know.. phew, right? Load off MY MIND. A little pink eye, allergic reaction to rawhide bones, maybe something she ate in the CHUCK WAGON. Oh.. and should I not believe it’s nothing— Lookie here. Marnie’s about to PROVE to me that she can touch her nasty EYEBALL to the card table and rub it around and it doesn’t even hurt AT. ALL. Don’t I feel (insert unhappy beeotch face here)

Then my dear granny starts with the reassuring. Let’s say the eyeball does indeed fall out, like I’m now threatening her it will and then rolls under something. I have NOTHING to worry about because she’s skilled at this sort of rescue mission. Do I know that RUSTY hanger in the hall closet? She’ll fish the eye out from under her couch with that. Ha. And.. as an added bonus, will take great pains to wipe off the fuzzies FIRST before she puts it BACK in the socket. Or.. she may even go that EXTRA step to shut me UP to avoid infection, by giving said EYE an obligatory rinse-off because of the five-second rule.

That’s fine and good except.. uh oh! You’ll become distracted by the hammering on the door and me screaming. WHOOOOOOSH.. there it goes slipping through your fingers and down the drain. No more eyeball. It’s all my fault. Bridge game CANCELLED. Come with meeeee while there’s still time.

Nope. She’ll borrow drops from her neighbor.

A few hours later on the other side of town.. in dementia Ville I was standing curbside with my MIL Ru. Who thought it would be a good idea to leave the safety of ROAM and venture outside for a walk. The problem was, we encountered a STEP. We looked at it for awhile. Talked about it’s size. Then Ru starts with the twenty questions. “Right or left first?” Times 20.

Believe me. Ru knows BETTER then to EVER ask me for my advice— because then thirty minutes IN.. she’s like, OK I’ve had enough. I want to OPT OUT and be CARRIED down. Here.. I’ll climb on your back.

Ummmmm… I don’t THINK so. It’s so ridiculous because I promised myself this time, I would say nothing. Just let Ru figure out the solution to her little problem HERSELF. Seriously, I don’t want anyone calling me a controlling STAGE mom again and I don’t like being the one to ALWAYS decide things.

“Step down with the RIGHT one first. I’d do it (drink heavily) if I were youuuu. Just take a chance. What’s the matter? You C-H-I-C-K-E-N?”

RU: Why shouldn’t I step with the left foot first for a change?

ME: Then step with the LEFT for GAWDS SAKES.

RU: I heard the right one is better.

ME: Yes. I heard that too.

RU: Where?

ME: Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump.

OMGEEEE. YOU’RE NAGGING ME AGAIN. I CAN’T TAKE IT. SHOOT ME PLEEEEEZE SOMEONE..

Some people aren’t happy till they get even..

Play this twenty-five thousand times and then you’ll understand.

-A

Posted in Uncategorized 7 years ago at 9:52 pm.

4 comments

4 Replies

  1. Fun going through your blogs. Happy writing!
    Suja
    (writequill on twitter)

  2. Sigh…..you are amazing and funny and a whole bunch of other great stuff that I wont mention because you’ll think I’m in love with you. I love reading your adventures with Ru, they make me laugh and cry….sometimes at the same time.
    Please don’t forget to update us on the eyeball.

  3. Adrienne Jun 6th 2010

    Catherine.. Your words are so dear and so sweet! Thank you a million times over. I WILL update you on the eyeball, which by the way, is starting to look better and has faded to a lighter shade of MAUVE. Love that you’re reading and for your big HUG!

  4. Adrienne Jun 6th 2010

    Thank you Suja for the comment!! Very glad to hear you’re enjoying. Best!