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ROAD TRIP

Dear Diary,

Oh my gosh.. Tremendous excitement over at Happy Daze Assisted Living. Today the air has a certain QUALITY to it which is hard to put my finger on exactly…No. It’s not THAT kind of air quality conundrum. THIS TIME. It’s more..like a buzz; an excited chatter amongst the group that something DIFFERENT is about to happen. I learn from Selma that they have been “sitting around for HOURS.. waiting in great a-n-t-i-c-i-p-a-t-i-o-n” for the up and coming Le Tour de I-90/405 2009.

“Who’s got constipation?” Quips my MIL Ruth with a little snarky grin on her face. Feh. It’s MY fault. Ever since I shared the story of Granny Marnie and her little “issue” to you know who..she has been keenly aware of anyone who should suffer from the same malady. I don’t know why I ever brought it up. How did I know that it would find it’s way into Ruth’s long-term memory bank? Such a crapshoot..this DEMENTIA.

This prestigious tour— done on BUS rather than the better known bike.. will begin in the front parking spots of Happy Daze and continues in a mystery direction that will only thrill and fire the imagination of the twenty-three riders including Ruth. Once en route, the residents of the ROAM (dementia) floor will enjoy Le Tour de I-90 on a course that provides:

A. Varied terrain- providing a mixed level of comfort and tactile experience (because when those bumps come and you hit your head on the passenger to your right.. you’re going to feel it.
B.    Aesthetics-Stimulates interest (and bladder) as the riders enjoy the natural beauty of the man made ponds and Mountains (excavation sites) along the I-90 corridor.
C.    Suspense- Highly piqued curiosity as to the envisaged route that lay ahead— ads a bit more confusion excitement to an otherwise mundane predictable..HA HA HA yeah right. Day.

The riders were getting a tad anxious sitting shoulder to shoulder on the couch in the living room just starring at each other doing annoying things. Really. How long CAN you watch Shirley search for her car keys in her “bag”? Listen to Greta tell you that her “mother” is picking her up for lunch. Or tune out Faye talking trash about her mean card game and how she’s going to whip your sorry..

ME: Come on Faye. Give me a break. I put up a darn good fight. Let’s set something up for tomorrow— I need to redeem myself.

Umm. Just a side note here. Yes, Faye is good at cards but..she does the old COUGH COUGH COUGH something is in my throat routine and when I race over to get her a drink of scotch water she’s always “rearranging” my pile.

Ruth was fed up with ALL of us and while Faye and I were still going at it Ruth stormed out.. mumbling under her breath (minty fresh clean breath.. thanks to my SCOPE run) “They’re crazy. They’re all just NUTS. They just have us sitting here like a bunch of dummies. How long do we have to wait for this thing anyway?”

We all cue up at the faux keypad bookcase dressed in our best riding attire and begin our descent downstairs towards the bus. If you ask me we already look slightly road weary and beat up. We have, after all— been sitting for a good hour in preparation for the journey. I think we’re ready for lunch and a nap.

We choose our seats and seat mates very carefully on this Tour for a few very good reasons:

Some of the twist and turns along the course can be very harry and you will undoubtedly end up in the lap of your neighbor so it’s best to sit with someone you like.

You may want to enjoy the scenery in SILENCE so you need to find someone who will fall asleep within the first five minutes otherwise you will be stuck with someone who asks every thirty seconds “When are we heading back? I need to use the bathroom?”

RUTH: When are we heading back? I need to use the bathroom?

ME: You just went..TEN minutes ago. Now you’re going to need to HOLD it.

RUTH: What if I can’t?

ME: Well then I guess we’re SCREWED aren’t we?

Good thing the cutest bus driver in the whole wide world is driving this rig. I decided to play the AHBAD card (Alzheimer’s Halted by Adorable Dude) with Ruth to see if I could take her mind off of one thing and onto ANOTHER. Well. Well. Would you look at that? Ruth’s mind is already on OTHER things. While she was checking out the bus driver.. I was finding it difficult to take my eyes off the most amazing scenery outside..

“Ladies and Gentlemen.. Please see on your right– A cop that has pulled over some young long haired punks driving a (pause) what appears to be a 2009 Lexus GS 450h.”

Nice.

“And on your left..the merging of I-90 with the famous I-5. Keep looking because soon we will be passing overhead 405 NORTH.”

OOOHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHH!

I don’t know how they do it at the Tour de France. They bike all that way..Up hill and down hill. Across mountains and deserts. Then they drink some lousy cup of water handed off to them mid ride and a shot of power Gu and they’re off. We on the “love bus” need to take a full lunch (and potty) break about three miles into our ride.

Ruth had a great time. If you ask her about it she’ll tell you they drove through spectacular countryside and saw all kinds of farms. Maybe she’ll throw in a few details for effect “The children running around outside with their Scottish kilts on were adorable and the village was as quaint as can be.” I have no idea were she’s pulling this scene from. Maybe some past trip.

Nothing like a change of scenery to perk you up. Eh? My Sandwich Generation BFF’s. If you ever get the opportunity to go with your senior family member on le Tour de I-90/405 South/I-5 I would JUMP at the chance. It’s a really great way to see the world.

No DOPING!

A