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Blind Date

Marnie aka: Stool PigeonDear Diary,

My grandma Marnie is a woman of many talents. A legend really. Known far and wide from the halls of KillJoy Retirement Home to the dementia floor of Happy Daze Assisted Living (where my MIL Ruth lives). Marnie has a reputation of being a bridge player extraordinaire with nary a loss under her faux croc belt and a workout fanatic with a physique of near perfection (measurements 52-46-52). What they don’t know is she’s also an “undercover” secret operative for everything hook-up and romance..matchmaker for the young at heart.

Today I woke up feeling all inspired, perky and strong enough.. self-esteem wise to give Granny Marnie a jingle and check to see if she wanted to join the boys and I for some pancakes at our fav restaurant Jam Um and Cram Um. Marnie loves this place. It’s fast, easy and fun and if someone doesn’t TRIP over you in your wheelchair in their haste to get to the free apple cinnamon pancake sample.. also a very safe place to eat. It was no surprise that my invitation was met with an enthusiastic “YES” and accompanied by audible jumping up and down (or the electric scooter equivalent) for joy.. at the offer.

I pull up to KillJoy to pick up Marnie in her ROOM as clearly specified. Wait just a minute. Would you looky here. I spot granny sitting down in the lobby gently rocking back and forth in her “out to lunch only” wheelchair about 1/8-1/16 of an inch away from the sliding glass doors. Precisely as I have instructed her NOT to do. Surprise. I’m watching this electronic door go back and forth with enough force to pancake my Marnie. “THERE you are honey. I’ve been waiting for you for twenty five minutes. What took you so long? What did you do to your HAIR?”

This is where the strong sense of self-esteem comes in. I know that I am a sitting duck at this point and it could go one of two ways.

A.    She loves my haircut. Tells me I look ten years younger and I should have done it years ago.
B.    Hates it. Tells me I look ten years older and why did I do this now?

Oh. Yeah. There’s a “C”. Get’s distracted thus FORGETTING the hair and focuses in on the..

“That’s an interesting shirt you’re wearing dear? It makes you look like you’re preg..”

I’m not THAT strong.

“The hair Marnie..What do you think of my new hair? Do you like it? (flipping it around for effect)”

Marnie has been having some vision problems as of late. So to get a proper angle for evaluation, I crouch down really low and stick my head a fraction from her face. I want to make sure she really sees it clearly before responding.

ME: Well?

MARNIE: Well what?

ME: The hair? Do you like it?

MARNIE: Yes, I very much think that it looks fan..good. Just really good. (She hates it. I knew it.) You look twenty years younger—


Wait. There’s. More.

MARNIE: and I think you look like a beautiful young pregnant mother.

Yes sir! That’s the answer I was definitely going for.

At the Jam and Cram, Marnie shares with us the big news of the week. As the story goes according to Marnie (Match-maker alias: Stool Pigeon) she had been playing cards with both Eunice (her bridge flunky friend) and Hal (token MAN Bridge player) a few months ago over at Happy Daze. The group had been talking about exercise and walking and how Marnie Stool Pigeon had such a sick bod and how they all wished they could look like her. SP unbeknownst to the rest of the group, had her eye on fixing up the unsuspecting Eunice and Hal for some time but had been secretly plotting how she would do it. This was the window she’d been waiting for.

“Eunice? You like to walk around the block after dinner don’t you dear? I think Hal told me he does also. I don’t think it’s safe for you to walk alone at night. Sooooo maybe Hal will go with know, JUST in case. For protection.”

That’s my Marnie. Safety first. Because HEAVEN FORBID something should halt Eunice’s walk— big strong ninety-two year old HAL will save her.

Marnie say’s they’ve been going at it all hot and heavy and they’re totally “mad” for each other. I don’t know why I’m just hearing about this now. I’m over at Happy Daze every day with Ruth and I never caught wind of this one. I asked Marnie where she thinks this could lead. She told me that Hal has introduced his kids to Eunice and they love her. So, maybe they’ll move in together eventually because it’s “silly” to get married since they’re NOT HAVING children. Really? They’re not? Hmmmm. These liberal minded grannies of today. I guess “old fashioned” values are history. Score one for the Pigeon.
Marnie said she’s cooking up another love connection. Granny’s best friend Laura likes this guy Larry whom she met (again over Bridge) last week. They really hit it off.  As the pigeon tells it.. Larry ended up calling Marnie and asking her if she would convince Laura to “move into his place.” It’s interesting how fast these old dudes move when they meet the right gal at the senior stage of life. Bam. They meet. Take a walk. Move into the same “home”. Next thing you know it’s all friends with benefits. See life over at KillJoy isn’t half bad. I suppose a “couple” needs to move fast at that age. There’s no waiting by the phone. You have to throw out the four-date rule because you never know if you’ll make it that far. Man those seniors know how to live.

My Sandwich Generation love is always in the air. When it happens to your senior SINGLE parent it can be such a blessing and make your job a heck of a lot easier. Think quality of life. Suddenly mom has a flush in her cheeks that hasn’t been there in years and after you rule out any possible health issues that could be causing it..just rejoice. Just one last point. Remember now it will be up to YOU to have the know..the t-a-l-k. Good luck with that.

Be safe.


Posted in Uncategorized 14 years ago at 11:25 pm.

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