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I SCREAM..YOU SCREAM

Ruth loves her I ScreamDear Diary,

Me and my brilliant ideas.  As well meaning as they are.. they can at times lead to more trouble than they’re WORTH. Take today for example. I thought I was so the most awesome daughter-in-law in the world, for pulling together a day of beauty for my dear dementia ensconced Ruth.. in the midst of our unbearable heat wave. The lengths I will go—JUST to get Ruth into a cooler..more COMFORTABLE climate. I should have taken it as an early warning— when a thong wearing, ME stepped gingerly into someone’s spilled Strawberry Nirvana JAMBA JUICE in the parking lot of Club Pretencia (Ruth’s and my fav swimming hole). What? Oh I’m sorry. Why did I not see the red sea? BECAUSE I was on the phone with Happy Daze Assisted Living floor ROAM trying to gather vital information about the whereabouts of MY MIL! AAAACCCCKKKKK!

If THAT’S not a sign from the higher powers that be than I don’t know what is.

In my mind I envisioned her languidly sprawled out on her bed with her little pathetic excuse for a fan straining to put out something more effective than ME blowing air out of a straw (only cooler). PFUH. PFUH. PFUH. PFUH.

She’s lying there all sweaty in the ninety-degree heat.. compression hose rolled down to her ankles. Heaven only knows what top she’s wearing.. but I can guarantee she accessorized beautifully and capping off the look with her Anne Taylor Loft tank top draped gracefully around her waist serving as a belt. I cannot bear the thought of Ruth forgetting to drink the case of bottled un-PC water I bought for this very occasion. How will she ever drag herself from the bed in her dehydrated hallucinogenic state and make it ten steps to the “back-stock” closet to get the water! She will forget that I put the WATER in the closet. Or worse..she will go into the WRONG closet and mess it all up and put the TARGET stuff with the Juicy and destroy my color coordinated sportswear section. With wild crazed eyes in search of water she’ll strike the winter storage bags pulling out sweaters and woolens..Then in a final last-ditch effort to “freshen up” she’ll reach for the SCOPE.

NNNNOOOO. MY RUTH will never… Get. To. Water.

Ruth.. as it turns out, was on a completely unplanned bus ride with the other twenty-three residents to absolutely NOWHERE for the second time this week. Oh Boy! I know how my Ruth L-O-V-E-S her bus rides. I had no idea. OOPS I could lose my social secretary position for this slip up.

“Jerry..Jerry..can you hear me?” I’m using my strong, clear communication skills while gesticulating frantically into the cell phone. “Jerry.. Ruth has a Mani Pedi and a blowout in TEN minutes over at She-She Poo-Poo can you do a drive by and have someone bring her in?

Good Adrienne..and by “someone” did you mean Harriet? It might be a little hard for Harriet to bring Ruth in.. seeing that Harriet might feel the need to take a detour so that her little stuffed doggie “Fido” may get his much needed WALK. Perhaps you’d like BLANCHE to bring Ruth in? Ruth LIKES to travel to far off lands so THAT shouldn’t be a problem.

“Jerry..If you can’t get her here— OMG. I will D-I-E. Because once I commit to an appointment if I cancel I will lose ALL MY MONEY. Do you get that Jerry? I will be out hundreds (ever so slight exaggeration) and she will never be able to show up for a wax or brow arch (slight fib..see MOTHER PLUCKER) or anything here AGAIN. (Long pause with sigh for emphasis). Ever.”

I glanced at my watch and realized that there was no way Jerry was going to get Ruth to She-She Poo in time for her nails. That just left her trusty girl servant moi to attend to the dastardly deed herself. I was going to get a PEDICURE. WOOHOO! In I dashed to catch the last fifteen minutes of my appointment but not before stopping to give explicit instructions to the front desk to escort Ruth back when she arrives to my “suite”.

Ahhhh. This is the life. I’m laying back in the comfy recliner chair, in the dimly lit room, inhaling the sweetly perfumed air, water fountain tinkling in the backround.. listening to– the incessent chatter of manicure girl when in bursts GRANNY..

Hallelujah is all I can say. Where have you been and why did I have to get back on that bus? I THINK I remember saying that I was never going to do THAT again. What happened to you?”

Pedicure time O-V-E-R. Well that was..five minutes.

Ruth was beside herself that I gifted her with those flimsy disposable thongs. Said they would “work” with everything in her wardrobe. I’ll hide them later.

The last stop of the day was hair. I had booked two slots for us at the same time thinking it might be fun for a CHANGE to do something TOGETHER..hahahahaha. One slight obstacle did present itself quite a few times during the wetting, shampooing and repeat step..

Wetting.
Repeat.
Wetting.
Oh yeah.. and lot’s of wetting.

Do you think she found the water bottles? I don’t know what it was..but the minute the hair chick had my head back soaking wet..BOOM!

“I have to go to the ladies room.”

“I’ll take you!” I say in a tone that resembles some yippy skippy insufferable game show contestant.

Puh-lee-ze. As if anyone else in the place will jump up and beat me to the punch. Hey YOU! Lady under the dryer..how about it?

I never know where in the “process” we are at the start of the warning bell. Does Ruth really have to go badly or.. does she feel the start of a little something that has the POTENTIAL during the six-foot jaunt to the ladies room to turn into the raging river Nile? I’m not the gambling type (anymore) so up I go..FAST.. water dripping everywhere to hustle Ruth to the “Johnnie”.

Ladies of MY SANDWICH GENERATION, what have I always told you about keeping a spare pair of Depends on your person at all times? Let’s look back on this post people, to see what cleverly hidden clues you picked up on to alert you to my impending dilemma. How’d you do?

1.    WATER
2.    BUS
3.    BUS
4.    BUS
5.    Running water
6.    Tinkling water fountain

RUTH: These are WET what do YOU have for me to put on?

DOO-DE-DOO-DE-DUM-DE-DUM-DE-DOO-BOP.

Paper towels?

We went back to our separate sinks. little Ruthie Wettie and myself. I think we hit the little girls room about five times total. Thinking a re-check on the UTI results (Urinary Tract Infection for my MALE readers) is very necessary.

When it rains, it pours
and then— it tinkles.

Enjoy the Heat!

-A

Posted in Uncategorized 8 years, 2 months ago at 11:20 pm.

2 comments

2 Replies

  1. I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!

  2. Adrienne Jun 5th 2009

    Thank you Eric for adding us to your RSS and for the kind comments! Really glad that you found us and stayed awhile to visit GRANNY!
    All the best!
    -A