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WAIST-ED

Marnie working-outDear Diary,

You know how, SO many of us girls say that when “we’re old”, there is no way that we will NOT have our faces buried nose deep in some magnificent ice cream delight.. smothered in a blanket of hot fudge with nuts plentifully spewed hither thither cascading down around the base. Gad! Even talking about it creates heart palpitations.

We figure that when we reach the appropriate cut off age for cellulite deposition to create psychological trauma..for most of us that would be around eighty, then we’re gonna lay to rest any memories of our two-piece thong or tankini (if you have a more modest bent) and dig into a piece of well-deserved heaven.

Got some bad news. Even at eighty and shockingly NINETY we’ll be feeling that old and familiar societal pressure to be thin. One would think that at this age the craziness would subside..but, I’m here to tell you NOT A CHANCE. To be perfectly blunt, if your hotness rating slips even an inch (before you do), some other Granny who’s been waiting in the wings will swoop in and steal away the most coveted prize of all. The COVER of VAGUE (the new VOGUE) magazine.

You think it’s hard to watch what you eat? Tracking those blasted calories getting you down? Ha! When you live at Happy Daze Assisted Living-dementia care (ROAM floor) it becomes near impossible. Today, (MIL) Mother-in-law Ruth was complaining about feeling “a little thick around the middle” and for emphasis began snapping her already “stretched to the max” elasticized waist band (with nary a inch of give) out and back in an alarming fashion. Seeing potential for bodily harm with snapage looming; I sit her down on the bed and begin a series of questions to determine what it is exactly that is derailing her best-intentioned dieting plans and preventing her from wearing her “skinny pants”.
This was not going to be easy. I’ll bet that if I asked any of MY SANDWICH GENERATION girlfriends to do the same, we would suffer some serious temporary dementia of our own. Funny how that works, “forgetting” the Venti Caramel latte (400 calories) paired with the pumpkin loaf (330 calories) we scarffed this morning after the (I’m a martyr) LUNA Bar. I grab a pen from inside the Kleenex box where I usually find them (don’t ask me why) and begin to scribble on the back of the Valentines Day Card:

Ruth. Calories In.

Breakfast: Two eggs, bacon (didn’t eat because doesn’t like), pancakes, fruit and green tea.

So far so good. A little heavy in the carbs. But nothing crazy..yet.

Breakfast 2: Uh oh. A bowl of Fiber One, some kind of muffin (not clear if berry or cinnamon), potatoes (only ate a scoop because feeling slightly full) and a few shots of PRUNE JUICE to wash it all d-o-w-n. UMMMMMM!

Morning snack: Green tea (good choice Ruth but might as well be a milk shake at this point) and banana..oh, and a lovely girl brought in some doughnuts. Feh! That was me..

Bringing our grand AM calorie count total to a whooping 3,500 total calories “IN”. This is not looking as good as I had hoped it would be, but I’m thinking that the calories expended by bodily ACTION may help us out here.

Ruth. Calories Out.

Walked with “me” around the block..
Good. Keep going.
Did seated exercise stretching class for half an hour.
And..
And..
Could you be forgetting anything?
No..
Drip. Drip. Drip. I’m sweating.

This is why we watch our weight. Because when we get moved into some Facility like Happy Daze or Killjoy Assisted Living motto: if it’s not done— we’ll do it to you where Granny Marnie is stationed we will be faced with huge temptation. We may be lured into the ultra-false belief that because we are eighty or..ninety we can blow out all caution to the wind (there I go with my PRUNE juice flatulence humor). We’ll want to chow down with all that pent up Skinny Bee-otch energy and enjoy and celebrate that we made it to 80. WRONGO. Healthy choices ladies because- our “hotness” factor DEPENDS on it.

Chow!

A

Posted in Uncategorized 8 years, 2 months ago at 10:57 pm.

5 comments

5 Replies

  1. Finally made my way over here - many apologies, chuffing babies!! I will honour you with what little remains of my kids nap time, and from the looks of this post it’ll be well worth my time!!

    I should think that being an 80 or 90 year old woman would just make things tougher - just think how many women you’ll be surrounded by compared to men. Just think of the cattiness, the posturing, urgh, maybe I should be trying harder to keep all my teeth….

  2. Adrienne Apr 24th 2009

    Dear Ali,
    Oh yeah..I remember the chuffing stage. Then you get them out of that stage and out of the Pampers. You’re feeling all.. Yeah..nice. Things are looking good for some much needed Starbucks hang time with the girls and..
    WHAM-O! CHANGE-O! You’re clipping DEPENDS coupons for Granny and putting PAPA down for his nap.
    Stack the deck in your favor..tell the kids after utterance of first words (mama, of course) they will be taking care of YOU someday (over and over). Then, no need to worry about “SENIOR” High School and a hot set of..teeth! Thank you for stopping by. Wishing you all the best!
    A

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  4. Adrienne Apr 26th 2009

    Your RSS feed is served! Please look under “Standing Reservations”. Below the Twitter and Facebook icons, is RSS. Glad you enjoy and please feel free to pass it around your table!
    All the best!
    Adrienne

  5. Adrienne Apr 30th 2009

    Thank you so much for joining us at the table! So glad you came by. Feel free to pass the link around. It’s nicer eating with a large group. Wishing you all the very best!
    A