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Sugar-Free

Dear Diary,

How does the saying go? The best things in life are free? Well THAT explains why Granny Marnie is over the top thrilled at the moment. I don’t remember the last time I saw this much exuberance emanating from her. Let me think.. Oh wait. Yes, I do remember the last time. She was at Whole Foods and they had inadvertently mismarked the canned tuna— five for $1 instead of one for $5 which, duh.. obviously was an oversight. H-e-l-l-o? WHOLE FOODS? Phfeh. Marnie cruises up towards the checkout stand in her electric scooter filled with—maybe twenty-five, thirty cans full of organic premium un-mercurized goodness (and nothing else). THIRTYmph down the condiments aisle she zoomed inwardly chuckling all the way at her amazing good fortune. Wait. What’s THIS? SAMPLES! What’s a quick little side trip going to hurt? Marnie pulls a U turn practically knocking down a “real” elderly person.. whooping and hollering all the way at warp speed to the Guava Salsa with Tomato corn chips.

What exactly is the deal with samples? Marnie and I seem to disagree on the idea behind the bite size complimentary morsels that are handed out (on Fridays at WHOLE FOODS, Saturdays at COSTCO and M-F at Trader Joes). I feel that it’s not in the spirit of the concept to drive your scooter up to the table and while the girl is giving you all the 411 on those dainty Zesty Dill Spinach Souffle Pops (10 for$20)..you’re shoveling them into your mouth at lightening speed with not as much as a head nod that you’re pretending to listen to a word she’s saying.

As if that’s not bad enough (don’t think that I didn’t catch this) you say, “Now those cheese cubes over THERE (pointing across the store) would they be good to serve with these?” As she looks to where you’re pointing, you make a grab for like..ten more and shove them in the mouth before she turns back to you. I thought it was pretty funny when you had them all shoved in your bulging cheeks and she followed up innocently with (as if you were a REAL customer) “Will you be serving them as an appetizer or main course?” Had a little problem answering that one didn’t cha? We had to sit and watch you chew for about five minutes before you would dare to open your mouth and then there was all the evidence stuck nastily between your teeth.

Let’s see..we hit the brownie table (where you got caught shoving a handful into your purse), the Karmel Korn table where you asked to take a cup home for your “children” and the LUNA Bar samples. I thought it a tad presumptuous of you Marnie to ask for a sample of each (twenty-five flavors folks..2-5) so that you could see which one “grabbed you” because at “your age” one loses all ones appetite and becomes quite thin so it’s important to find one that really tastes good.

Tell one, tell all..KillJoy Assisted Living-motto: if it hasn’t been done-we’ll do it to you has just set up a.. drum roll please. Free cookies, fruit and tea station. OMG. Does facility living GET any better than that? Marnie is jumping up and down in her scooter seat and I’m getting a little concerned because this is more cardio than she’s had all year. “Well it’s about time. I happen to know that Ruth’s (my MIL) place (Happy Daze Assisted Living) has been doing free cookies and bananas forever. Why we haven’t had them over here really makes me wonder about the brains of the person running this “concern.”

Ruth loves her free cookies and bananas area downstairs at Happy Daze. We stop there everyday to fill up her pockets with bananas before returning to floor ROAM(dementia). It’s very interesting what long-term behaviors stay with us and which one’s vanish if we should have some “memory issues” like my MIL. Shoving free bananas (green foiled flat mint patties, toothpicks, Kleenex and tea bags) into a coat pocket is as automatic to Ruth as..as..um. Well— breathing.

Sometimes for fun I like to play a little game with Marnie called: Guess how much this costs? I start with a simple thing—a Venti size Chai Tea Latte. O.K Marnie. How much did this set me back?

MARNIE: I’d have to say..and this is taking into account inflation..about $1.

Good guess scooter girl! But no cigar. BZZZZZZZZZ! WRONGO. Would you believe $4!

MARNIE: Nooooooooo. That can’t be. I would never pay THAT for a cup of tea. Do YOU? In fact.. would you like a cup of tea dear? You know here—we get it for free. How about a cookie to go with it? Do you need any packs of Sweet ‘n Low? Sugar?

I love the fact, My Sandwich Generation darlings that Granny Marnie thinks her nibbles are on the house. If she knew how much those cookies and free tea really are costing her..c r i p e s.
I always encourage Marnie to enjoy as MUCH cookies as she wants. In fact– who needs cereal for breakfast? Nothing my friend(s) In life. Is free.

A