The Next Marilyn Monroe
Dear Diary,
It is very obvious that my MIL Ruth (dementia) has just what it takes to be in commercials. For as long as she can remember (pfff) people have told her that she should be A MODEL! OR A MOVIE STAR! Whew dear, I can be really really BIG — what do you think of THAT? Maybe I’d even entertain the idea of being ONE OF those girls with all that hair. I’d look STUNNING in that adorable pantsuite. I’d get to help out people and make them smile.. very good-looking fella’s on there too.. Yes granny. I’m sure that has great appeal. HOWEVAH.. Did we talk about that? Because I have NO idea what it is you’re thinking in that head of yours (and there would be no surprise—THERE).
Come on..YOU know. What was that show I used to love? Um. OK Ruth I’ll play along because I have NOTHING else to do and certainly NOWHERE else to go. Oh! Oh! The Price is Right? Wheel of Fortune? Wait. That Deal or No Deal? Ruth’s looking at me like the village idiot..which is so NOT fair because how am I supposed to know what she watches sitting on that couch of hers over at Happy Daze Assisted Living. Pathetic. They watch shows that put all kinds of THOUGHTS into the resident’s heads. Yes. I do agree.. putting thoughts IN from time to time is not a bad thing. But, pleeeeze. When you put on MTV’s My Sweet Sixteen and Ruth’s exposed to all that glamour and excessive spending..I’m going to be the one to have to spoil the dream when she says, “Call P. Diddy and book him for my 90th”. Sorry Ruth..THAT’S so NOT going to happen and no..MADONNA will be on that VERY. Same cruise. Yes, I’m sure you had no clue Carnival cruises WENT to the Sahara. BUT. Now you DO.
What does it start with? “Well..Something having to do with Mc..Mc..”
“Donalds?” E-GADS..Ronald McDonald? You want to be a freakin clown?
Because I also love Greys Anatomy, I can defiantly understand my MIL’S attraction to the hot.. pantsuits. Problem is I’m not sure they’re looking for a “mature” eighty-two year old dementia floor resident woman to play a medical student at this time. Although..heh heh heh might make for a great future episode.
DON’T YOU think it might work “A”? You know because (feigning modesty) MY figure has always been divine and I have charisma leaking out of every pore. You know what I’m saying? Yup Ru. Darn tootin I do. CHARISMA leaks..
and SO. MUCH. MORE. Which brings us to the lost opportunity of landing the DEPENDS spot.
You know what’s really a shame? When you run the lines over and over with your DIL prior to your big “Go See”. Then just when it’s YOUR turn. WHAM! You have to go to the bathroom..and you’re NOT wearing the PRODUCT. How many times do I have to remind you.. you must use the PRODUCT so you can FEEL the character. H-e-l-l-o-o-o?..I’m a teacher of the Method Acting approach. In it’s PURITY. Nothing watered down. I’m all about the practice by which actors draw upon their own emotions and memories in their portrayals. Give me..having to pee BADLY granny. Come on. Dance. That’s right. No. No. No. Do it like THIS. Now is THAT how Marilyn Monroe would do incontinence? Meh. How did Strasberg find the patience?
Lucky for us.. the director let Ru have a shot when she returned. He probably felt sorry for her and her pathetic DIL who kept dancing in place with her knees held together so that her MIL would REMEMBER to add the element of action to her stationary and somewhat dull utterance of the words:
“When I’m on the go. With no place to go. I can depends on..” CUT. Try it again please.
“For the girl who will go..do it in DEPENDS.” CUT. Thank you.
What really matters here is..Ruth thinks it was HER brows they were talking about when they exclaimed, “your look screams..CONFUSED. Thank you. NEXXXXT.”—So, we’re going with that. I did get a lot of heat about the “brow thing” LATER though. After all.. I’m the one who PLUCKS her brows. What came over ME to make her look so drat CONFUSED? Yeah. My bad.
Today we’re here to try out for a SCOPE commercial. Slam dunk I say.
Next. What’s your name sweetheart?
“Ummmm. Ruth.”
OK Ruth. You ready?
“For what?”
To say your lines.. please begin.
RUTH (clearing throat): HELP! HELP! I’VE FALLEN AND I CAN’T GET UP!
Next please.
So we had an off day. It happens in this eldercare business doesn’t it MY SANDWICH GENERATION darlings? People confuse their lines. Misunderstandings take place with bit players. Lines are flubbed. What really matters is that we NEVER take NO for an answer. We have tenacity like no other generation that has come before us and layed down between bread. The fact that you’re involved and loving your senior is precious. Let no one pee on your parade. Hold your head high and take the action that will bring the most joy to your loved ones life. Life is your stage and oh how the drama is only just beginning. Bravo for your performance in THEIR III ACT!
NEXT!
A
Copyright © 2009 My Sandwich Generation. All rights reserved.
I lived in the in world where it is not possible 2 have a great relationship with a MIL. Which left me heartbroken of my future relations with my boys future! The day came when I joined Twitter, found a donkey head on twitter I can’t remember how or where. I will say this, I’m glad I was drawn to that donkey head! To have my eyebrows plucked & tell the tales of my never did make it (me not her)…is a dream i can still have.
Oh sweet Widdly! Keep the hope ALIVE. I myself NEVER thought.. this is how I’d roll. Those MIL’s can really fool ya.