Previous Post: HELP WANTED   Next Post: The Next Marilyn Monroe

Gossip Girls

Dear Diary,

You know what’s just so COMPLETELY bizarre? No matter how old a person is they are still able to be total GOSSIPS. One would think that when your 82 years old and sitting in your recliner over at Happy Daze Assisted Living you’d have more pressing things to examine— than the “problematic” skin eruptions on your DIL’s facial regions and potential reasons for her sudden out break of “Echinacea” on her cheeks. Easily diagnosable you say.. given the red splotchiness and cuz you heard all about it on TV (after Christy Brinkleys infomercial) and it’s easy to “identify”.. with your old and TOTALY bitty sweet friends.

I’m so NOT going to mention any names to protect the innocent..but you know who you are: Jo, Marion, Doris, Faye, Blanche, Marie. Oh and LEST we forget— RUTH (my MIL). Who, may I add..despite her slight (pffft..choke) cognitive FUNCTIONING impairments (dementia)..has not lost her great talent for spreading absolute falsehoods throughout her inner circle (unintentionally on purpose she claims). Why should I care? Only BECAUSE I have to be exposed to the trash talk pretty much..DAILY. Oh pleeze. I am beyond paranoid at this point.. in case THAT’S what you’re thinking. In all fairness I have EVERY. RIGHT. TO. BE.  You try innocently walking into the dining hall and having all the “mukety muck” of dementia STARING at you because of a little PMS. I came in the middle of, “poor thing..maybe nobody TAUGHT her to exfoliate”. NO doubt THERE.. whom Marion was talking about,

“..and then I heard..I forget WHERE.. she was even thinking that FOUNDATION might make her pore problem less v-i-s-i-b-l-e. Heh heh (all the girls sniggering in agreement). As. If.”

Nice. Usually what I do if I walk in on this “group cluck” is shed some light on the topic and diffuse the potential for real damage to be done. I prefer to do this in a very non-threatening manner being that these are delicate seniors I’m dealing with and not HIGH SCHOOL mean girls.. who’s only THRILL in life is to get me to burst into tears and hide in the bathroom.

“It’s PMS p-e-o-p-l-e. Back off. (sniff sniff) Why don’t you pick on one of your own for a.. (voice breaking) a.. (sob) cha-aaaa-ange?”

Marion looks up at me completely blank..pretending that she has no clue who I am. Ha. Nice try Marion.

“Hey. Come back here. Do we know you?”

RUTH: Everybody. THIS is my DIL. (peering into my..face) What’s the matter with you?

ME: (cool and composed) Why would you THINK.. there is ANYTHING WRONG WITH ME? oops. Who were you just talking about?

This is how I know I am the target of gossip. Ruth starts to get fidgety in her seat and pulls out the “I think I have to go find my room because I LEFT something there” routine. Marion announces she’s getting picked up in “FIFTEEN” by her mother and Blanche..the most CREATIVE of the bunch, feigns illness..commenting that she may have a touch of the Spanish flu.

“We were talking about..”(thinking..then giving up.) “You know what’s funny? I can’t remember what we were talking about.”

Sure granny. That’s a-l-w-a-y-s the excuse. I know you were talking about ME and just for the record I think I look pretty drat good. Why don’t you talk about someone who really has problems? Like.. WALTER. OMG. I could think of a MILLION points of interest with him. Feh. You’ll be preoccupied from here until next freakin’ YEAR on discussing the length of his NOSE hair alone.

Uh oh. speak of the devil..

“Hi Walt. I chirp, trying NOT to look at the Rapunzel length mane growing luxuriously from his nostrils.”

JO: Walter. Ruth’s DIL was just discussing you.

Hey you! Smirking girl in the floral print smock and knee-highs. This funny to you? Huh? And.. YOU Jojo. Don’t be asking me to pluck those CHIN hairs of yours. The MOTHER PLUCKER has been wounded deeply by your tude.

JO: I don’t see anything wrong with his nose hair do you Blanche?

WALT: What about my nose hair.

This is the problem with gossip. Hurtful. Yup. Hurtful and wrong.

The best action a person can take in this situation is to announce,

“Phew. Look at the time. (Everyone looking in numerous directions for a clock that..does not exist.) Ruth needs to take her walk. Gotta run.” Just as I left the room I overheard Blanche, Jo, Marion and all the rest chatter amongst themselves..

“She’s just adorable Ruth.”
“You’re so lucky.”
“Where did you find her?”
“Who was that?”

I most certainly was NOT going to wait around for the answers— when tomorrow is ANOTHER day.

A

Copyright © 2009 My Sandwich Generation. All rights reserved.