One Track Mind
Dear Diary,
Seriously— How am I supposed to be debriefed on all the delectable dish from the Dementia floor of Happy Daze Assisted Living if my undercover paparazzo agent Ruth keeps leaving out huge chunks of SCOOP from her report? What am I supposed to do with this..
RUTH: That guy. I forget his name. You know the one who wears glasses? I saw him the other day try and.. You know what he tried to do? Right in FRONT OF ME he.. (long pause while examining her finger nails)
ME (leaning in closer for follow through): He WHAT?
RUTH: Huh?
ME: You said a guy was doing something in front of you?
RUTH: I was? What guy? Where did you hear THAT?
C-r-i-p-e-s!
I might if I’m feeling particularly curious, poke around a bit to see what other factoids I can unearth. My method is one that, if executed properly, will produce all kind of juicy little morsels that I then piece together to give me..VOILA! Knowledge. As Ruth’s ever so helpful daughter-in-law/advocate, it is my duty to be kept a breast on all the latest news and gossip information that I may (or may not) need to know. Because I feel that it would be useful for me to know what “that guy” was doing in front of my MIL, I continued my inquiry some fifteen minutes later. Somewhat casually I float “anything new happen today to you with a man wearing glasses?” It’s kind of like a GOOGLE keyword search. I need to fit in the words “man” “you” and “glasses” within an understandable context to spark Paparazzo Operative’s faulty memory.
RUTH: No, no. Not that I know of. Except..
I tend to unconsciously hold my breath at this point. I’m not sure why. It’s kind of like that old game show— Name That Tune. I can name that tune in “five” notes Dick. Well, Dick—I can NAME that Tune in four.
DICK: O.K. Mother Plucker..NAME THAT TUNE!
RUTH: I don’t think Albert likes me.
ME: Why don’t you think Albert likes you Ru?
RUTH: Well he did the strangest thing to me today.
Ah! Ha! I knew this would work. What did Albert do to Granny?
RUTH: Did I have my lunch today?
ME: Yes. You had Tuna and it was delicious. Ate the whole thing. What happened with Albert?
RUTH: Who’s Albert?
This whole back and forth can go on for..Hours. Days. Even months— when it’s Bad Karma payback time. Today, I decided to call it a day and let it go. Really what could be so bad over at Happy Daze that I would need to press???
ME: Wow! O.K. then..
ME: That Albert he looks so smart in his glasses. He really likes YOU Ruth.
RUTH: I don’t think so because today he..
OMG! I’m not even going to say anything about what Albert, whom I have now nicknamed the “WHIZZ kid” chose to do in the presence of my Undercover agent. My lips are SEALED.
Ladies, you are members of perhaps the coolest, hippest generation to ever be. My Sandwich Generation. As such, you must be very proficient at secret sleuthing when the need arises. If something doesn’t seem right, just go with your gut. Dog that thing until you have uncovered Every. Last. Shred. of information and can put two and two together. Search her Facebook account, twitter, MY SPACE. Leave no stone unturned when it comes to eldercare safety and well-being for your mother or Grandmother or both.
All aboard!
A
