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When the SHEET HITS the Nan

My tough ole MIL RuDear Diary,

There are not many people that could be standing in the middle of a major intersection and be sooooo totally engrossed in whatever they happen to be doing (measuring the length of neck hairs on my MIL Ru’s throat for a possible world record) that they NOT notice the rapidly approaching semi truck bearing down on them from the corner of FREE Cookies and Fruit, inside Happy Daze Assisted. That’s right. At the very LEAST—  you’d think we would’ve caught the whiff of trouble that was floating in our direction.. GA. It’s that signature scent of the over EIGHTY set, that should totally be removed from fine (drug) store shelves immediately due to asphyxiation upon inhalation. I like to call it.. Eau de high school bio lab. A unique blend of one part Britney Fantasy to two parts Formaldehyde.. light and noxious with fruity vinegar low notes.

Fortunately while Ru and I where all engrossed in the size of fore mentioned stubbles amazing root system, upon removal of that sucker for medical science— By some serendipitous stroke act, Ru spots some sort of TREASURE laying under one of the tables. Because it’s easier for me to c-r-o-u-c-h down.. GA.. on all fours and crawllll under Thelma’s legs to reach the.. (turning over in hands and chucking it at MIL) NEW valuable, mint condition, grotty HEARING Aid that had fallen out of one of these MILLION (looking around the lobby) elderly residents E hole. Ewwwww. Ru, don’t put it in your pocket.. the MOST you might hope to get for it is.. 50 maybe 60 cents, like the LAST time.

Ru looks up to see if perhaps she might NOTICE who was having trouble over hearing us and.. CRIPES. The big ole MOTHER TRUCKER herself, was about an inch away from smacking the heck into us. Immediately.. I hear the distinct warning cries of granny..

AAAACK. It’s NANNNNNN. Quick do something! HIDE. Don’t just stand there.. Help me down under the table.

Oh come on. I was just there. I’m not going down.. AAACK! It’s NAAAAN!

Upon hearing THAT—thank you GEEZUZ, I was able to brace for impact by puuuushing my MIL out in front. You know like a shield.. to take the full brunt of impact, in what some of you might deem a pathetic gesture to save myself f-i-r-s-t. WHOA. Hold off on the judgment dudes. Because I have YOUNG children. I NEED to be able to see them grow up and leave the nest and take their GAWD forsaken LEGOS with them. THREE feet of LEGOS.

The collision wasn’t pretty. There was a lot of shrieking and arms and legs all akimbo while people were hugging and I was trying to avoid getting my hair all stinky with that nauseating stench (that will take multiple washings before I don’t smell like pickled road kill). I’m hugging the back of my MIL while pushing HER into Nan’s awaiting arms and then before I could stop it from happening.. we all broke away to see these big PURPLE glossed LIPS deliver.. the KISS of DEATH.

Well.. how are youuuuu? You’re both looking well (looking me up and down). What’s THAT you have on your legs (steps closer).. is that.. JAM? To which I gently reply (because you should always be nice to old people asking trick questions) Yup. It very well could be jam.. NAN. I thought, being that I was UNDER the table already.. touching you know, devices that have been in strange peoples orifices— I might like to crawl over the smooshed up scone someone had dropped and played with.. with her UGGS and perhaps have a little snack whilst I tarry a sec.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were hungry.. I’d have given you the rest of it?”

I was standing there spitting on a napkin trying to blot my knees.. when out of the mouth of Ru, (who has a habit of forgetting repeatedly that to SOME certain people we NEVER ask this question) comes..

So NAN.. how are you doing?

Followed by the blood bath..

“Wellll (OOHH)… I’ll tell you..(UGHH) Not. (Oh) So. (EM) Good. (GEE) This is what I’m talking about.. see. I sit here day after day and now I have this pain around my lower region.

RU: ASS pain?

NAN: Well, it could be.. you know because it’s in that vicinity. I just feel crummy and have no appetite at all.

Please let us be done. Please. Are you kidding? It’s not going to end there. No way. Now we’re going to get to hear all the particulars of possible systems glitches that could indicate impending.. death. Like.. what Ru’s pointing out to you loud and clear Nan. Your face is pasty, your eyes look like you must not be sleeping well. Poor thing.. Cuz your lids are all a nasty shade of.. moss GREEN. What about YOUR LIPS? Healthy lips aren’t PURPLE with magenta lining Nan. Alright that’s enough. Quick.. What’s the diagnosis doctor?

“You need your head examined.”

What? Are you kidding? Did she just say that out loud? Why yes. I do believe she did.

“What do you MEAN I need my head examined?”

In situations like this.. I have this CARD that I will only use if, say.. there’s a threat of bodily harm to my person and.. oh all right.. RU’S person too. Or if it’s imperative that we get immediate seating at a WINDOW booth in a restaurant cuz Ru skipped her second breakfast and she’s ravenous and about to COLLAPSE from.. “Cholera”? Yeah. If that’s what she says she HAS then I’m going with it.

OR my MIL and I might need to acquire an extra ANGEL perfume sample from NORDSTROM fragrances.. because we’ve run out of using her hair spray to “freshen up a bit” so, yeah I might use the CARD then. This is the point that the card must be PLAYED.. otherwise my MIL’s going to start bandying about the “screws loose” terminology and THAT could invite disaster.

“You know Fran (pointing at MIL’S head).. we have this little PROBLEM and she THOUGHT you were somebody ELSE. You know how that goes? (Makes the BLOW it OFF face with added hand gesture for full effect)

“No I did NOT. I know EXACTLY who she is.”

NAN: See? She knows who I am.

Nan is a lovely woman. In her own words.. she has a little too much time on her hands to reflect on potential terminal diseases and think about disturbing topics. Such as.. the disgusting meat loaf that will eventually find it’s way onto the dinner menu.. that she won’t touch because she’s lost all her appetite due to her undiagnosed medical condition. Well, ACTUALLY it WAS diagnosed.. as a possible GAS issue brought on by too much of a good thing. Prunetinis. But according to Nan—YOU KNOW these doctors. They know from NOTHING. Anyway we’ve got the gas issue and death. Not necessarily in THAT order.. but you get the idea. Once I was able to coax this factoid out of her, I found that Ru and I as a TEAM (term used loosely) could delicately help her through her problems by perhaps sharing first my own feelings on the subject..

ME: Nan. I hate to break it to you but.. YOU’RE going to DIE! We’re ALLLLLLL going to die. LIVE with IT. Move on. You’re not going to die right away.. so what the HALLE are you going to do in the meantime? YOU’RE KILLING US NAN.

RU: (looking at me) Are you done so I can say something?

ME: Yeah. Go.

RU: Nan dear. You’re as good as dead. Now do you want to take a walk with us or not? Cuz I don’t have the time to sit here and watch you die. Get a coat on or you’ll catch Pneumonia.

That was how it went.. pretty much word for word.

We had taken not ten steps when Nan stops dead in her tracks and starts to moan about being HUNGRY. Well, finally my dear MIL had reached her limit and pulls me aside as Nan was over by the bushes catching her breath and trying to bend over to touch her.. pulse. Anything Nan? (Nan trying to find pulse) No? Keep trying..

Ru’s making this face at me while being all— LOOK what you’ve brought upon us. I should have known something like this would happen the MINUTE you latched on to HER.

UUUUURK. Come again? Did you just say, I latched on.. to HER? Heh. I think NOT sista girlfriend.

“Well then why do YOU have to try and help her? Can’t you see she ENJOYS what she does for a living? I don’t want to be a part of this whole sordid affair. You need to break it off now or we’re THROUGH.”

YOU’VE been watching THE BACHELOR again haven’t you?

Yeah. Love that show. How’d you guess? I guess (grumble grumble) I could have a talk with her (insert frowny face here).

Yes. Ru. Why don’t you do that. Have her come up to your room under false pretenses and you and that thug friend of yours Marion can smack some sense into her. Sounds like a plan.

After Ru and I escorted Nan back to Happy Daze we hugged each other tightly and looked upon our own MANY blessings. Ru said it best, “Good thing we’re healthy and normal and playing with a FULL DECK.




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Posted in Uncategorized 14 years, 2 months ago at 3:30 am.

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