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Something UP her.. sleeve

Granny MarnieVOILA!

Dear Diary,

Whoa! So, there I am.. just sitting with granny Marnie, completely minding our own business and focusing intently on each others lovely faces.. as we stuff cinnamon roll into them with wild abandon. In all fairness it so happens that the Start Your Day off DEAD Right: Morning Joy Sweet Roll appeared to be, at first glance, the lowest calorie option on the Killjoy Senior Living menu. I suppose if I hadn’t been in such a terrific amount of haste to get through the wasted PRECIOUS time of menu ordering and get right down to the important bonding experience with Marnie.. I might have noticed the Egg White Omelet choice in that small teensy four inch bold print in the lower left hand corner of the menu entitled “Spartan Martyr Cuisine”. Oh who cares— the time should be spent engrossed in quality conversation and reflection that I’ll remember a lifetime without worrying about the crap we’re shoving in our mouths.

“Don’t look now.. STOP. I t-o-l-d you not to look. Just sit there and pretend I’m telling you a joke. (Looking at Marnie and hitting her arm ) Ahhhh hahaha ahhhhhaaaaaaa.. K.  Stop now and swallow cuz that was just nas-tay looking— all in there gross. Who’s that lady with the ugly bright pink acrylics (nom nom) I thought you told me they went out of style around here (gulp) and that’s why I’M giving you a French manicure every week?”

Then Marnie cranes her neck around and lifts her entire body out of the electric scooter about a FOOT to see who it is I’m trashing before she contributes eagerly. Talk about some serious upper body strength to pull off THAT Yoga pose. Picture granny doing a modified peacock meets the Pommel Horse, without wearing the unitard. Heh. Nice. What did I tell you? Lifting MORNING JOY rolls to the mouth on a regular basis builds good strong upper body fat.

Turning back to me, Marnie assumes her, I’M GOING TO BE REALLY SUBTLE AND WHISPER IN YOUR EAR head position.Then quietly, like a little mouse into a PA system..

“OHHH. The lady with the TRASHY VULGAR PINK PRESS-ONS? Is THAT who you’re looking at dear? Don’t you remember her? (from the Hitchcock thriller) I think—Didn’t she babysit you when you were an infant?”

O M GEEEE! You are r-i-g-h-t Marnie. It’s all coming back to me now. It. Was. Her. A young girl of 70 or 75 then, my mother caught her entertaining boys and smoking GAWD only knows WHAT in our fireplace— while I was in my crib (chewing on the lead railing) screaming for HOURS on end, without anything to eat (shoving cinnamon roll in mouth). I weep for the YOUNG me.

After Marnie so kindly got her neighbors attention, I then was forced to mouth HELLO and gave her one of my Macy’s Parade float waves with adorable smile plus cutesy nose scrunch in the hopes of softening the BLOW. Yup. I said it. Then I start with the shaking of my noggin in the affirmative, and some stupid fake laugh in the lady’s direction. So she can see that, YES.. there’s really something wrong with me— so it’s all good. Cripes. Marnie why don’t you finish up smooshing that wad of doughy delight between your cheeks and gums so I can get the HALLE out of here without anymore incident.

As we were mid-sentence analyzing all this startling new bogus information of my childhood.. Thus explaining fully a whole HOST of odd behaviors according to Marnie that were linked to inhalation of second hand cigarette smoke that could not make its way up my parents fake chimney— this really clean and marginally well dressed gentleman approached our table. Thinking that it might be a very SMART thing to invite him to join us and get back at Marnie for making me look like a bigger ARSE (If that’s possible and obviously it SOOOO is) then I already am. I invited.

“Oh won’t you come sit and (OUCH) have some (OUCH) breakfast with (scowling at Marnie driving her scooter into my leg) OUCH.. US?” Obviously SOMEONE had a problem with this particular youngish (in his late eighties) guy joining ONE of us who is poised to have fun and get kind of wild and crazy then let her hairpiece fall down where it may. Not so fast granny. As it would be inexcusable to pass up an opportunity like this– On behalf of all your grandchildren who have suffered HUGE embarrassment in their PAST, at your crooked hand.. Bwahahaha.

So dude. Wanna take a load off? We aren’t in a rush at all. Are we Marnie?

“Well. We have to go now.”

ME: Where do we have to go?

MARNIE: To the thing. We HAVE to go really fast to the t-h-i-n-g.

Ah yes. The THINNNNNNG. Oh how I love my life. La!

ME: Marnie.. what will we do at the thing, once we get there? Maybe we should invite mister? Uhhhhh. What did you say your name is?

MARNIE: It’s something with a body part.. Hisbutt

GUY: Herbert

MARNIE: Close enough..

Herbert, would YOU like to have breakfast with us and then go to the THING? I’m sure we won’t be there long.. then the two of you can hook up after and go over to Marnies place. Get snookered out of your heads, have wild somethin somethin and.. What? It’s not like I don’t know how your mind works Marnie. WOW! To think— my MOTHER might even get a new baby brother out of the deal. Heh. Feel pressure much?

Marnie made the correct choice to fess up that SHE actually already has a “friend” who’s closer to her age and he’s a DOCTOR. Every mothers dream.. a doctor who practiced when they still used leeches. I’m so proud and excited. Unfortunately we’re still in the playing HARD to GET stage so I wouldn’t be all holding your breath to get a wedding post anytime soon. The best is yet to come!

Here are my digits. Don’t call me.

They’ll call YOU.


Copyright © 2009-2010 My Sandwich Generation. All rights reserved.

Posted in Uncategorized 12 years, 4 months ago at 12:25 am.


2 Replies

  1. I love these conversations or at least your translation of them. Life gets us down if we can’t find some humour in our daily activities and, as sandwiched between generations as you are, you certainly do find the humour. Keep it up Adrienne!

  2. Adrienne Feb 8th 2010

    Thank you so much Kat! The hard part is the editing of the conversations.. because OH there is sooooo much more and so little time;)