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Made a PASS

Dear Diary,

I’m just not crazy for these teacher student meetings. No. What I actually can’t STAND is the smug face of my MIL Ru’s (almost never) friend’s DAUGHTER, prancing out of the Happy Daze Assisted Living special back room. Reserved for random meetings with family, assessing proper course of action for SUVIE’S (senior-juvenile delinquents) caught in repeated acts of skulduggery and other problematic behaviors from residents. Those are really the only times I can recall the ROAM (Random Occasional Accidental Memory) floor staff congregating (with no cookie tray). You walk in and everyone’s sitting around a single metal desk, trying not to be judgie— flashing you the pathetic “We know we can’t be hating on your MIL.. because she’s so sweet and innocent, but we most certainly can nail YOUR sorry arse” smile.

Then the head person (decided via rock paper scissors) unabashedly shuffles through files holding papers with the wrong persons name on it and starts in with, “DID you know blah blah Ru shows up in her lips and hearts nightie at 3:00 am and blah blah blah while her girlfriends blah and blah, cheer her on as she blah blah WALTER who’s wearing his little skimpy Navy night dress and blah blah yelling LOOK AT THOSE LEGS! WOO HOO! What’s UNDER there WALTER? THEN blah wakes up all the other residents.” Hmmmmm. We can’t have THAT happen again now caaaaaaaan we?

Which brings me to sitting here waiting for the commencement of.. Winter Quarter progress report for Ru’Mae. I would have no problem if I could’ve followed an act like… FAYE instead of Blanche. Dancing on tables for a living and screaming obscenities when no one tips her. Hmpf. That HAS to trump any small indiscretions my MIL might have partaken of. Still the aching question remains— as I move towards the door for what is going to be a rip roaring awesome time. How best to make my way past little goodie goodie without SMACKING her silly as I go?

“Hey Ru’s DIL. You’re up. Wish I could listen in on YOURS (snort) but mom’s waiting on the bench across from the fish tank. She and I are going out for a double (therapy session?) ice cream cone because she is doing SOOOOOO well here and everyone adores her. She sleeps through the night, never hurls insults at others behind their backs and is so rule abiding it’s almost chill-ing..” (flashes obnoxious smile)

Oh please..don’t stop THERE dear. How about a little more gloat in my direction and perhaps a dig just for effect.

“How’s Ru doing? I heard from moooooom that Ru and Marion were messing with some of the other girls denture dishes so no one knew who’s teeth were who’s and hmmmm come to think of it they also got totally BUSTED mixing up electric tooth brush heads as well. Any truth to that or is that just a vicious rumor? Anyway tra la la.. see you later.”

Ru’Mae’s Progress Report For Winter Quarter

KEY:

C = Consistently observed

This resident consistently and independently meets expectations (hahahahaha)

G = Generally observed

This resident generally meets expectations

N = Needs prompting (needs MORE then THAT)

This resident meets expectations with assistance and redirecting (and bribery)

R = Rarely observed

This resident rarely meets expectations and is happy to do so

COOPERATIVE WORKER

1. Participates appropriately with other people on her floor when they have better ideas then she does: N

2. Cooperates and interacts positively with all her friends and their wives: R

3. Shows respect for property and always points out when she’s accidentally “dinged” a piece of furniture by bashing into it or stolen something from someone by mistake: G

SELF-DIRECTED LEARNER

1. Chooses appropriate times in the middle of the night and early morning hours to interact with peers: C

2. Follows directions repeated under fifteen times but over thirteen: N

3. Is prepared with materials and ready to work when folding napkins, setting the table or hoisting Roger off the floor with a belt strap: G

4. Organizes workspace and materials. Bra drawer turned into shoe holder and sock drawer for one stop shop, DEPENDS bag organized to hide precious jewels, Kleenex box filled with emergency chocolate stash: C

5. Makes productive use of class time by sleeping, shouting out “When’s the BUS RIDE?” or talking to neighbor about third breakfast: C

6. Works independently as opposed to walking around saying “What are we supposed to be doing now?”: R

7. Produces quality work on Macaroni necklace, foam visor, shrinky dink pin: N (couldn’t sell for asking price)

8. Writes and text messages legibly and tweets coherently: C

Your senior qualified for & received supportive services as checked

1. Academically Gifted and Talented ROAM Program X

2. Learning support program with emphasis on learning words to Beyonce songs X

3. Individual Education (by DIL) on lipstick application and face cream distribution X

Attendance

Days Present: 0

Days Absent: 3 years

Days Tardy to meals: 0

Well, THIS report card is going to earn SOMEONE a trip to NORDSTROM for that leopard print UGG she’s been asking for.. that’s for darn sure. How proud am I you guys? Whoa. I love the part when the report states organizes workspace and materials. Funny how it wasn’t mentioned that the whole CLOSET is routinely colored coordinated and merchandised to perfection.. with the long dresses in flannel going up towards the front with a matching necklaces looped around the hanger and the pants have been matched with a similar color story pajama top, for that “I just rolled out of bed and flung a little something on and didn’t even try” look. Where’s my girl.. I’m (sigh) so very proud. Would have perhaps enjoyed seeing a slightly higher mark in the independent worker category.. but whatever.

As I emerged from the office all-full of grins and giggles who do you think was waiting in line for HER moms conference? Why.. it’s FAYES daughter come to hear the praises sung of little miss potty mouth herself. Good luck in getting into the GIFTED and TALENTED program Faye.. gotta work on that table dismount.

GPA: AWESOME

-A

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