PHONE VEX
Dear Diary,
All I have to say is.. it’s ABOUT FREAKIN’ TIME you got your butt cheeks CANNED Marion. Finally after..Ga, I don’t know HOW long— Happy Daze Assisted Living has taken steps to remove my MIL Ru’s BEST (every other day and weekends) friend, from her position as appointed RECEPTIONIST and phone operator of the second happiest place on earth.. the dementia floor or as I affectionately call it ROAM (Random Occasional Accidental Memory). I don’t want you all to be, WHOA.. Ru’s DIL is being so catty and back stabby to Marion— based solely on the fact that I’m doing the HAPPY dance as she’s sadly been dismissed..because I’m so NOT. Catty. It’s just you would THINK (because SOMEBODY has to) that a certain amount of training and instruction would be necessary before you allow a someone anywhere NEAR a device that connects her to the outside world..with PEOPLE with REAL needs.. who have no time for random chitchat about daily BOWEL regularity. Marion.
The procedure, for family calling to reach the residents at Happy Daze, is ON PAPER a simple one. You dial the correct number.. as opposed to the INCORRECT one of Happy D-O-O-Z hair salon for kids and pets. That was awkward asking for “dementia” and they’re all, “We don’t HAVE a dementia here on the schedule..are you sure you’ve got her name right?” Then you look up the number again (after you’ve actually pulled the car over) and call the CORRECT number. Finally.. a friendly coherent voice of a Happy DAZE front desk personnel, who politely asks if you would mind holding while she transfers you “Up” and forgetting you’re not 6 and ¾ years of age, respond with Of COURSE I mind waiting.. duh. Yeah. So what if I slipped and I said it? Who cares? It’s not like that warrants me being put on hold for long enough to win ten rounds of Brick Breaker 3D and hack into @dementiachick’s twitter account.
Finally there’s ringing on the line and then NOTHING except.. Marion. Just let me TALK to someone who actually works there dear mmm K? No Marion I will not let you take a message. The last time YOU did that— Ru thought that her SISTER was coming to pick her up for dinner. She SAT there on the bench across from the fish tank all day with her (neighbors) little floral print on avocado color (otherwise known as barf) 70’s duffel bag all packed. Oh pleeeze..don’t play all “I FERGIT WHICH time that was” with me dude. Going to Nebraska for dinner MARION? Ru doesn’t havvvvvve a sister in Nebraska. Am I SURE? Yuh ha. No. Sister. EVAH.
I’m not really sure if they just got short on staff and decided, Well hey! We’ve got 23 dementia residents sitting around the dining area doing NOTHING all day except a random Happy Hands class from time to time. Why don’t we put THEM to work? Let’s take (eyes darting around the room to see who’s upright) HER! Girl with the nightie tucked into her pants. No. Not you. The OTHER girl.. Pink stripes. No. Not you either those are LIPS..I want STRIPES. Yeah. Come over here sweetheart.. now this is what I want you to do when this little phone rings.
Marion: Oh. That gizmo (pointing to the thermostat) there?
Staff: Nooooo. This one here. (motioning to wall mounted phone) And HERE’S the really RAD thing Marion. It makes a loud ringing noise. No. Different then Rogers hearing aid (insert nervous laugh here).
I’ll bet you money.. THAT’S how the selection process happened.
I have to think that things might have turned out differently had Marion NOT made the very ill timed decision to go on break and leave her seat under the wall phone VACANT for Sylvia to slide her delicate 300+ pounds of adorableness into. As luck would have it.. this “switch in staff”, coincided with another call by YOURS truly innocently wanting to check-up on Ru and see if she was feeling up to a little shopping for TEAM EDWARD Twilight apparel..because “that’s what they’re showing in all the magazines these days”.
Once AGAIN I had been placed on hold— THIS time listening to Copacabana for 15 minutes as sung by..Ohmahgawd. For real? The WIGGLES.
ring
ring
ring
ring
“Hell-o?”
ME: Ummm (pausing to do voice analysis) Hi! Is this Matilda*?
*Matilda is a completely bogus, made-up name of an imaginary “CNA” (Certified Nursing Assistant) who works on ROAM. CAN’T accuse ME of skimping on your eldercare education.. now can ya? Meh.
“No. Who’s Matilda? I don’t know any Matilda.”
ME: Who’s THIS?
“Why do you CARE who this is? This is Sylvia. What’s YOUR name? You know what we did today? We watched these men scoop out the fish from the fish ta..Do you know what time we eat? Oh. Wait I found something in my pocket..NOM NOM..”
This is about the time when my calm soothing tone kicks in.
ME: SYLVIA! I don’t CARE about the drat fish. COULD you PLEASE find a nurse to hand the phone to? NOW!
SILENCE
SI-LEN-CE
SIIIIII-L-E-N-C-E
ME: HELLO? HELLO? Pick up the phone Sylvia. Syl-vi-a (sing song fakey voice) PICK UP the sucky phone Sylvia.
“Hello. Who’s there?”
ME: Sylvia..pleeeeeeze? Is Ru’Mae there? Could you get her for me?
“Which one is she? What color is her hair? Oh. I know. Does she have GREYYYY hair?”
ME: GAAAAAAA! Please find a nurse. I’ll bring you candy.
“What kind? You know what? We don’t have nurses here..you want to talk to my mom?”
ME: Yeah. Put her on.
“Hello? This is MARION.”
Feh.
This is why the wall phone was mysteriously ripped out of the wall a few days ago. Now Marion is unemployed and hoping for a new position in customer service to open up.
A
Copyright © 2009 My Sandwich Generation. All rights reserved.
Life would be just too boring if a staff member actually answered the phone all the time. Switching it up a bit keeps it interesting!
I’m not quite sure HOW you found me, but I LOVE your writing… I can only PRAY I don’t have to go through this later in my life.