THE BIGGEST LOSER
Dear Diary,
SOMEONE got the brilliant idea (already you know who it’s NOT) that it was time to step up her MIL Ru’s OLD workout plan— from the daily meandering around the block in front of her place at Happy Daze Assisted Living (floor dementia).. to hitting the seated elliptical and lifting something heavier then a handful of green foil thin mints from the downstairs dining room candy bowl, into her mouth. According to Ru.. she heard from somebody on her floor who by the way is an EXPERT (gag).. it’s absolutely necessary to take one or two mints by mouth (as opposed to what.. rectally?) every three to five minutes to replenish calories lost through.. foot sweat. “Oh pleeeze. You heard that from Blanche didn’t you? She is such a saboteur.. she doesn’t WANT you looking better then her in your summer capris and support hose. You need to KNOW your players Ru.. it’s a DOG EAT DOG EAT DOG AGAIN floor granny.
Every few seconds as granny was riding the “trike” she’d be all, “How long have I been ONNNNNN this thing? I’m not going anywhere.” Let me tell you, I’ve been watching The Biggest Loser and garnering training tips from the goddess of lean.. Jillian Michaels herself. I know EXACTLY how to handle simpering wussy babies like this one.
“WHAT’S a matter? You gonna cry? CRY then. Tell me RIGHT now.. are you going to quit? Because I don’t like crybaby quitters in this gym. Don’t you throw up.. YOU. Keep. Going. What’s the matter r-e-a-l-l-y? Dig DEEP Ru. Tough childhood? Nordstrom credit limit?”
RU: Why would I throw up? What did I eat?
ME: I want you to push FASTER and tell me WHY you’re HERE.
RU: Well.. let’s see. I’m here because (unwrapping mint patty and popping in mouth) it’s sprinkling outside and you just did my hair?
I’m really glad the cameras were turned off during my training session people.. because after about five minutes, when Ru looked like she was getting bored and I was sick of standing there picking up candy wrappers from the floor and running to get her tea so she could HYDRATE. Because GAWD FORBID some sort of leg cramps happen during mile ONE.. right? I might have said something akin to, Hey.. let’s go get something to eat from across the street like a SUBWAY SANDWICH. I don’t see anything wrong with that. Jillian says it. But, Ru looks at me like ARE ya nuts? I just worked out for five whole minutes. I’m sure as HALLE not eating a PICKEL and gaining it all back. Oh yeah. So the BETTER idea is to first try and CLIMB your way onto the scale for positive feedback.. you know it’s important to SEE the results of all the amazing dedication and hard work on the TRIKE ride. Then.. we’ll grab something healthy— maybe a high in fiber Pumpkin scone.
Off go the UGGS— proving some things you guys.. are NEVER forgotten. Then grabbing hold of my hand she gingerly steps on the huge circa 1950 scale and after steadying herself swishes my hand away because I’m adding “dead weight”. Yup. That is so ME. Dead freakin WEIGHT. Just let me point a small detail out to you— Ru can’t read the numbers on the scale. Not for all the free mints in China.. if they do indeed offer free mints there. Which I am not saying that they don’t.. I just don’t KNOW. K? Whatever.. moving on.
“How much does it say I weigh?”
Ummmmm.. 135.
“WHAT (panic)?”
Cripes.
“Urrrrr.. 130 then. It says 130.”
“Naaaaah. I can’t be 130..can I?”
Judging from her expression.. the answer to THAT question is, NO WAY you most certainly can NOT be 130. There must be something wrong with this crap scale granny so let’s make it easy on me (THAT will be the day). Why don’t YOU tell me how much it says. You want it to be 115 pounds? Surrrrrre you do. Fine. SHAZAM. You’re 115. Better?
“WOW! I’m the thinnest I’ve ever been. Might need to add an extra dessert to lunch is what I’m thinking.”
Did you subtract for the sweater?
ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE is my final offer.
-A
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