Previous Post: Picture of the DAY: I sleep in TIGER   Next Post: Fruit Cakes

Knotty or NICE

Dear Diary,

It never fails to amaze me how I find myself guided serendipitously into amazing inner discovery. Today at Killjoy Senior Living: Motto— If it hasn’t been done, we’ll do it to you.. home to my granny Marnie (electric scooter girl), I learned of yet ONE MORE hidden talent (cough cough) that I possessed alllll along but SHOCKINGLY never even knew I had. As granny Marnie’s trusted (hardly ever) granddaughter, it would be my task to cut Marnies hairs.. roughly 12 of them. This was a daunting and at the same time thrilling challenge. Now.. just to set the record straight I wasn’t simply HANDED this project on a silver platter. I had to massage the truth.. so to speak, with a tiny itty-bitty fabrication just to land the stinkin gig.

“Oh yeah Marnie, I cut people’s hair ALLLL the time.”

This bold faced BULL SHWANKY brought to you by my awesome fantasy life.. inside my head.  I do so wish you all could enjoy it with me.. because you would be incredibly impressed with how competent I am. There.

Never being one to doubt my skills.. I had no reason to think that I couldn’t easily and perhaps successfully step into the role as hairdresser extraordinaire. Think about it. There’s NO friggin downside. I could totally do a MOHAWK.. No. Wait. A BUZZ cut.. and because Marnie covers her head up with a hairpiece— which is my all time favorite from the ROAD KILL 07 collection, named AMY. Nobody would EVER know. Ha. Some of you guys who’ve yet to get a PIECE ( that’s in.. Hair PIECE) might not realize that to make the wig seem ummm NATURAL (har dee har), all real hair must be tucked underneath the fore mentioned MEDIUM SIZE RODENT FAMILY weave.

“Don’t worry honey. I took care of it myself” boasts an older, female version of Don King.. Replete with well arched penciled on brows and floral smock, sitting smugly back in her electric scooter as I entered her bathroom this morning. Nothing and I mean N-O-T-H-I-N-G could prepare me for the hack job granny gave herself. Not wanting to hurt Marnie’s feelings, I sidetracked the hair subject the best I could.

“How about the downpour outside Marnie? I think it’s probably best if you stayed inside (and hid) today. Huh?”

“Honey. Why don’t you grab a towel and dry off your.. HAIRRRRRRRRR.”

She said it. I didn’t.

“Look at yourself. WHY? I ask you. Wahhh-eye? Tell me pleeeeeze. I told you I was coming over. Who does THIS (motioning to Kewpie troll doll hair) to themselves?”

Heh. Do you remember those troll dolls? Yeah. Good visual.. hmmm? For. YOU.

OK.. here’s what we’re going to do. Please come over here and we’ll put this cape (frilly nylon bathrobe?) around you. Good. Sooooo, my feeling is to transform your look into something a little more— (fiddling with the back of her head) FLIRTY.

Then I’m all getting into my role and walking around the chair still in consultation mode.

“Maybe we pull a few pieces down here (bringing strands from the back of her head down to front to make bangs). Bangs take 10 years off I always say. You’re going to look 86 again, Marnie. Maybe we can do some CHUNKY layers around the sides of your head..”

“Your mother’s getting chunky.”

Not going there.

“..and take this piece and wraaaaaap it around like.. THISSSS. Ummmm.”

MARNIE: “What’s the matter?”

ME: “Maybe not do THAT with it.”

In order to get a good cut it’s basic 101 knowledge that you need professional grade tools to work with, like these metal FABRIC shears also known as Rose Bush and Hedge clippers. Wait. What about this COMB.. or as I call it when planting PANSEYS.. THE CLAW (cultivator). That ought to feel reallll nice on the scalp eh Marnie?

If I remember correctly— when my MIL Ru (dementia) goes to a real Hair salon where she pays $15 to get stunning hair and TEA.. the stylist tends to stay away from scissors that requires two hands to hold onto MARNIE. Pffft. They usually do a fabulous job. Except for today. So let’s say for some STRANGE reason (who KNOWS what THAT could be) Ru FORGETS (gasp) and OH.. let’s say, steps into her SHOWER without her ADORABLE Sephora shower cap on.. thus emerging looking like a drowned mink. Then someone (we’ll call her ME) shows up on the dementia floor and is greeted by her MIL in URGENT need of a “blow up” QUICK cuz lunch is in TEN. Yup. Piece of CAKE after MARNIE I’ll tell ya.

Oh. Your question is WHY didn’t Marnie go to a pro to get her hair done? Because why pay $15 dollars for hair that will never SEE the light of day..when you can get ME who’s done this LOTTTTTS of times, styling it for FREE in the privacy of your own unassisted living facility.. with as MUCH free TEA as your bladder can hold? Sounds logical to ME. Bah.

“Do you have anything I can pin it up with Marnie? Besides medical tape. What ELSE do you have? (rummaging through bathroom drawers). Ahhhhh HA.”

As luck would have it.. I stumbled upon an old plastic baggie of bobby pins from— I want to say 1955, m-a-y-b-e ‘66 to assist me in the process of holding the hairs from the upper part of the head so I can be free to dive into cutting the lower tangly tresses.

snip, snip, snip

A little more off here.. snip, snip

“Don’t take off too MUCH. You’re not leaving anything to tuck under.”

Marnie, why would you try and tell ME how to cut hair?

OMG is THAT the world’s dumbest question ever uttered.

Done!

So? What do you think granny? You’re gonna HAVE to take your hands away from your face MARNIE. Stop it. That is SO not funny. (pulling hands) Urrrrr.

Who do you think you look like?

“Who?”

YOU look like Rihanna. THAT’s who. That’s a Rihanna cut.

MARNIE: It isssssss? Fantastic honey. Really. I don’t think I’ve.. Ever. Looked. This. Great. Who’s Rihanna?

So maybe she looked a little more Dorothy Hamill. Whatever. The point is.. SHE’S NOT BALD. Drat I’m good.

My Sandwich Generation.. there might be this overwhelming URGE in your senior family to perhaps SHRUG OFF using the UNNECESSARY services of a professional due to perceived EXPENSE or effort. Maybe they’ll have some illusions of grandeur and suddenly feel that they can drill their OWN teeth now or shoot their own BOTOX.. Or WHATEVEH. The fact remains that you may need to step in and make the appointment for them. Hide the power tools and call the dentist. Even if you’ve always wanted to.. don’t try it yourself. No matter HOW many.. or how few teeth they have left.

Snip.

A

Copyright © 2009 My Sandwich Generation. All rights reserved.