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Dear Diary,

Well.. would ya take a gander at who’s sitting over THERE, looking all intellectual and wizened on the “COMFY chair”. Behold the splendidness of my MIL Ru (dementia) with her little pad of paper.. and her stolen pen from Happy Daze Assisted’s downstairs restaurant Upah Chuque (not it’s real name). Truth be told you guys, they serve the most rockin FRIES. Seriously. I might even go out on a limb as to say that those fries are so freakin’ good.. that it shouldn’t be out of the question to do your next DATE night there. You and your romantic love interest, sitting there cuddling next to Harv. Whose extreme flatulence is causing him to let one RIP in your direction every twenty seconds.

Stay AWAY from the green bean casserole. YOU. HAVE. BEEN. WARNED.

Also don’t freak out with seeing the occasional 85 year old walk up to your table and grab a few fries off your plate and shove them into his mouth, giving you a pleasurable glimpse of his gnarly dentures that have not adhered properly to the roof of his mouth and are all hanging mid air and clicking away as he chews. If you can get over this.. then it’ll be worth it.

There’s my Ru all fast and furiously scribbling away about something.. don’t ASK ME what.

I’d like to share a small factoid with you.. Ru is actually known as the most academically gifted and TALENTED (heh heh) semi-cognizant person up on ROAM (Random Occasional Accidental Memory) FLOOR. I guess if you feel to consider Albert’s bid to participate in this contest.. Ru might come a close second. Some (Blanche.. cuz she’s dating him) might say he’s usurped Ru of this title. But I SAY that’s a load of HOG WASH. All he does to appear smart is quote really important word news.. randomly and people are all ohhhhhh ahhhhhh Richard Nixon got impeached? When the frick did THIS happen? Then it’s like this ripple goes through the whole dining hall and you hear, “OMG. Peaches? What kiiiiiind of peaches.. because I only want mine with COTTAGE CHEESE.”

While you’re a little LATE on the IMPEACHMENT news ALBERT.. I agree with Selma on your more TIMELY update. So share with us your thinking on WHY they JUST took down the iron curtain when, “there’s nothing the HALLE wrong with the old CURTAINS?” Huh? Smart boy.

Ru wins in my HUMBLE opinion because she can WRITE and do many other amazing feats at the same time.. Give me a sec. K?

Likeeee READ. She can read AND she can write. Ta da. I don’t know many who can pull THAT off here. Who really cares what she writing? That’s a lie. I do. Maybe her LIST has something to do with me and I would need to prepare myself. (Rapid Breathing Response) Maybe she’s going to make me the proud recipient of her used pair of disposable Pedi- thongs? I’m getting all tingly thinking about it.

With tiny itty bitty dainty steps I tip toe, like a delicate 5,000 lb. Ox into the dining room/workout area. Making sure that my piqued curiosity doesn’t cause the genius to lose her train of thought or to startle her BFF Nancy B. who’s snoring away with her little blue head on the table, eyes shut, and her hand wrapped protectively around the KNIFE she was using to shovel mushed up cheesecake into her.. ewwwwww.. NAPKIN.

“Ohhhhh. Leave her alone. She wanted to take it back to her room so she had something to offer guests who might stop over. I think I have some leftover cheese and crackers if you’re hungry. Did you have your lunch?”

As IF I’m going to say NO. Why NO granny.. I didn’t have my lunch, so I might need to run down the hall to your room and fix myself a nice piece of that unrefrigerated for a week cheddar you wrapped so nicely in your dirty dinner napkin and slap it on this (picking off white KLEENEX fuzz) tasty rye crisp. I don’t even NEED a plate cuz (picking off hair brush and dirty tissue) I’ll just use THIS here unused pair of DEPENDS it’s all laying on.

I find it best to distract Ru by changing the subject really subtly. This is never too difficult because sometimes we don’t even make it through an entire sentence without sidetracking a few dozen times.

“What is this?” (Good. Play dumb.) Peering down on her LIST in Ru’s enormous scrawl I see..

My Top Picks of the best gifts.. that I want and can’t live without.

1. UGGS ( NORDSTROM $100.00 depending on what kind)

2. Tennis Bracelet (Plastic beaded .50. Chip sold separately)

3. Necklaces (macaroni product hand dipped.. PRICELESS)

(Insert here.. a bunch of doodles and hearts.. with Ru + cute guy= LOVE written on it)

4. Nail polish soft color (No clue. Staff did them. Cheap.)

2. Tuna

3. Side of mayo

Interesting. Sometimes when you have a supremely brilliant MIL.. you might not be bright enough to grasp where she’s going with her work.

6. Nice sheer white blouse for dressy occasions

(Not going there)

7. Labels with the names of those PEOPLE in the picture hanging on my wall.

8. Prescription to PEOPLE Magazine and VAGUE

9. Mammogramed top sweater size 6

10. Santa’s Lap Dancing Shoes

Ru? WTF? I’m not understanding number TEN. Could you pleeeze explain this cuz you know.. it leaves QUESTIONS in the mind of the READER. While you’re at it– go ahead and explain TEN and NINE because.. not to be MEAN but, are you thinking the sweater is for your neck area or the whole body?

RU: That was a typo.

PHEWWWWWW

RU: It should have had a comma THEN said SIZE 8..

AAAAANNNNNDDDDD? (As I pray)

RU: It goes with the DANCING.. SHOES.

Of course it does.

Happy Holidays My Sandwich Generation.

-A

PLEASE NOTE: The author was paid ZIPPO and given NOTHING to mention the above items in this post. If you want to give me something.. I will SO take it. Please leave a comment and tell me if it’s food or some kind of chocolate.. as I will gladly accept both. Hugs.

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