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WHEN DOCTORS ARE OUT TO LUNCH

My Dr. MIL Ru and her vicitms..urrr..GRANDSONS

Dear Diary,

Nothing like getting unsolicited medical advice from those people who claim they are licensed to dole it out and obviously are so NOT. Why yes dear sweet and EVER so helpful MIL Ru (dementia).. When YOU had little kids that were sick..I’m SURRRRRE you found leeches to be extremely helpful. Question? Did you stick those suckers on BEFORE or after you shot your little rascals up with whiskey and stuck a bullet between their teeth? I get a little nervous when receiving advice from SOMEONE (and their girlfriend’s) who became board certified through Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman’s fan club and yet STILL can’t RECALL the proper WHISKEY dosing instructions for a child ten years of age.. weighing roughly the same as..ummm.. your left bosom. I know. I’m being PARANOID. But if she gets JIGGER and SHOT mixed up.. Can you say MALPRACTICE?

I feel I’m absolutely within my rights to explain to Ru nicely (to avoid getting her granny pants in a twist) that it’s simply INEXCUSABLE for medical personnel to screw up instructions on meds and I would kindly request another opinion from..hmmm. I begin my search in the dining room for the perfect practitioner. Compassionate, caring and above all else.. a reader of the medical periodical JAMA.. As opposed to the more popular Happy Daze Assisted Living version—PAJAMA.

SYLVIA. You have your hand up. What advice did you glean from last nights reruns sweetie? Speak up. I can’t hear you. Sylvia recommends for it’s amazing precision I use a rectal turkey thermometer to get an EXACT temperature from the sick child. Heh. That ought to cure what ails him. Anyone else feeling slightly MORE lucid today? (snort) My eyes come to rest on Jo. Ahhhh..Jo. I can always rely on her for all things parenting advice. Proving that in NO WAY is her awesomeness of mothering reduced in the s-l-i-g-h-t-e-s-t having raised half a dozen kids that visit with the frequency of.. Ru’s menstrual cycle. September 13, 1974.

So nice of you to suggest sharing some of YOUR pills Jojo. It’s just (feigning deep thought) my kids don’t HAVE diagnosable dementia and giving them YOUR private stash might give them another reason to.. hurl. Don’t be sitting there all smug in your judgieness granny. Your theory that I brought the SWINE plague upon your grandson’s Alien Dude and Smart Alec because my HOUSE is a mess AND the bacteria sit in my overflowing unpressed, unfolded, clean laundry basket— multiplying and waiting for the wearer of the boxer shorts is completely BASELESS.

Show me the science. No. THAT’S your stinkin’ Dr. Quinn fan club card.. THE S.C.I.E.N.C.E

Funny how these “doctors” are sooooo great about handing out advice..yet make the WORST patients. Isn’t it? Nothing like being on all fours scrubbing miscellaneous substances off the children’s bathroom floor and gagging from Clorox vapors.. only to receive the news that my MIL refuses to remove her bra after being asked nicely by the male nurse several times.

UUURRRKKKKK. SHUT. UP.

Are we sure we’re talking about MY MIL?

Why yes.. I’m told. The nice male nurse noticed a red rash around the bra hook area of Ru’s back and wanted to get rid of the binding and 5 sizes too small Victoria’s Secret demi bra. Buttttt nooooooo. WHAT? She won’t take off her bra for some young guy she doesn’t remember she knows just because he ONLY calls her over and TALKS to her. Modest and hard to get.. that’s my MIL for you. Feh. WELL dude. Did you promise you’d take her out to dinner first or did you just stomp over demanding she pull off her shirt and fling her brassiere at you? Because I can’t think of anyone she would do that for..no..wait a minute..I can.

When you have a job to do.. you have to do it yourself. Or if you’re amazingly talented at the art of deception (as I most certainly am) feel free to lay out a well constructed plan for the staff to carry out. Better make darn sure if you do— that it doesn’t evoke suspicion by the unsuspecting target. Then you’re really screwed and she might just NEVER put on a bra again to SPITE you. Ewwwww. We all know that the HIPPIE chic look can’t be properly rocked by an 82 year old dementia patient wearing her stripy tank. EVER.

It was a simple plan and nearly impossible to screw up. Remove everyone’s bra so Ru WANTS to take hers off. Maybe even warm her up with a few choice pictures out of OK! Magazine. Certainly it can’t be too hard to get.. say.. a shot of Lindsay with the girls set free. Oh no.. Wait. Show her Pam Anderson. Hahahaha. MUCH MORE relatable.

Unfortunately Ru wasn’t thrilled that HER nice young fella/nurse was asking all the other girls to take THEIR bras off after propositioning HER. Duh. Where is the skill HAPPY DAZE? Go find Walter.. HE knows what to do.

A

Copyright © 2009 My Sandwich Generation. All rights reserved.

Posted in Uncategorized 7 years, 11 months ago at 7:22 pm.

3 comments

3 Replies

  1. How Hysterical! I myself am the mom of two boys, and I have been receiving unsolicited med advice since the day I gave birth to number 1. Oh the things they used to do back then…dementia or no dementia…their old-fashioned practices are CRAZY!

  2. Adrienne Nov 15th 2009

    Makes you wonder doesn’t it.. about the kind of mothers they REALLY were? Ga. I’m suuuuuure the leeches worked great;) LOL Thanks Leigh!