NEVER take candy from STRANGERS. Right Marnie?

Dear Diary,

I would say it was a highly successful Halloween on two accounts. First because granny Marnie (electric scooter girl) scared the bejeezus out of the little unsuspecting trick or treaters and gave them seriously awesome material in which to enjoy night terrors well into their teenage years. I even think I saw some of the parents shirk off into the bushes when they caught site of Marnie dressed with her shiny silver Hannibal the cannibal mask and gray rayon sweater with repulsive food stains down the front. One little brave soul even ventured to creep up and inquire to the gruesome Hannibal, Ewwww. Who are you?

You like it? I’m Edward Scissorhands.

Huh? Marnie what the..? You’re NOT Edward Scissorhands.

“I most certainly am. That’s what I asked the girl at my place (KillJoy Senior Living) to MAKE me. I said I wanted to be that Vampire from TWILIGHT.”

This was Marnies SECOND costume.. The FIRST one being farrr more clever. I’ll just take this opportunity right here and now.. to give a hearty thanks and shout out to the Killjoy staffer who used such astounding creativity. Taking huge amounts of time and effort to designing a costume that would turn my sweet little old granny and her scooter into. Ta Da! A table. It’s really quite simple to create this amazing look. What cha do first is..take pieces of cheese cloth (any old smelly piece sitting in your kitchen drawer will do) and drape it over YOURSELF and whatever type of transport you use to get around (in our case electric scooter)..Making sure you FIRST cut a whole for your HEAD to poke through for that “centerpiece” look. Then you go down to the dining room, pick up a few buttermilk rolls and a half dozen butter pats to hide under your tablecloth for later, have a quick bite of dinner (shunning the chicken fingers on the buffet table for the more desirable giblet patty which is lower in cholesterol) and pull over in the corner to enjoy the meal. Then you see your girlfriend yelling your name.. asking if she can SIT with you at your table.

It was sheer genius I tell you, and so REAL looking that RITA, Marnie’s 92 year old neighbor in 405 D tried to balance her full plate on the back of granny’s “TABLE”, in order to keep “that HEAD company”—as it sat there eating it’s chicken patty all by it’s lonesome. Hence the gore splattered (mustard, ketchup and what appears to be some sort of special chunky sauce) all over Marnies boobies—resting quite comfortably in her lap with the candy bowl. So you tell me.. HOW on earth would the poor neighborhood children know that granny didn’t eat one of THEIR OWN as an appetizer prior to the SNICKERS she’s trying (unsuccessfully) to shove between her MOUTH BARS? Ga. Tear into bite size chunks Marnie.

Because no Hannibal Lector look is complete without a HAIR PIECE.. I see that Marnie chose one that complemented her look beautifully. It was a swim team blonde shade with those greenish chlorine highlights with layering and model bangs.. Really making Lecters eye slits POP. I could have sworn I knew that hair from SOMEWHERE..I’m just totally stumped from where. Wait. A. Minute. Why..It’s AMY (hair piece #2)..Resurrected from the dead.

Marnie.. I love AMY on you.. she looks AMAZING. How come you don’t wear her more often?

Well dear.. do you think I should? I could wear her instead of Bertha. Would YOUUUU ever be apt to wear Bertha?

Why YES Marnie.. I just might. Cuz you never know. It could— spice things up a bit. I’m sure my husband would be totally stoked to see me in bed all SEDUCTIVELY sprawled across the bed with a deceased creature on my head. Phew.

As we’re going back and forth about how AMY looked so adorable tucked behind Marnies death mask ears.. more knocking on the door ensues. “OK. Give me a second we’re c-o-m-i-n-g.” I shout. Grabbing the handles of Marnies wheelchair and wooooshing her to the door. I leave Marnie up in the front off to the side and FLING the door open to reveal.. Marnie. Still, rolling forward through the open doorway..right towards the poor freaking children with their mouths gaping open. OMG. Hannibal’s going to run us over. AAAACCCKKKK!

I grab Marnie before she has a chance to flatten her victims and bring her back inside while soothing the traumatized Yoda, Michael Jackson and the poor Wolverine x-man who looked like he was about to wet himself from the shock of it all. Look guys. It’s just granny Marnie. NOTHING to be afraid of. See.. I’ll SHOW you. I begin to tug at granny’s Hannibal mask to pull the thing off.. because I had a truck load of MIKE and IKE’S I needed to get rid of and I didn’t want THIS little group to go out and scare away the fresh kill others, by blabbing about THIS episode. Best step would be to diffuse the fear. Just PULL off the frightening mask. That’s it.. URGGGGHHHHH. Hold on Marnie it’s stuck. One more tug. UGGGGHHHH. ZINGGG.

“Oh HONEY! There goes MY HAIR. I forgot it was attached to the mask.”

Sure, That otta calm um down. Flying across the room goes Amy.. still attached at the netting (with clips) to Hannibal and right at the feet of Yoda and posse. I guess it didn’t really matter at this point because the kids were frozen.. staring in HORROR at Amy laying at their feet with Hannibal right beside her. Behold MARNIE with NO HAIR. Feh. Pull yourself together YODA.. haven’t you ever seen road kill before?

For all the mental anguish and suffering the children endured I agreed to the taking of THREE candy bars for EACH as compensation. Marnie didn’t hear me say they could each take THREE and pointed out in her softest whisper voice (for the group to hear) that, THE little STREET WALKER (Hannah Montana costume) had taken MORE then the TWO we had initially agreed upon and she should put one back or give it to Sammy Davis Jr. Take the bowl SAMMY and RUN.

Trick or treat.

Copyright © 2009 My Sandwich Generation. All rights reserved.

Posted in Uncategorized 12 years, 9 months ago at 10:24 pm.

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  1. Halloween definitely gets exciting in your house! Marnie definitely scarred them for life; you may get therapy bills later. I suggest you move and leave no forwarding address LOL