THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING.
Dear Diary,
Under completely bogus pretenses I found my self lured into playing the accomplice in Marnie’s RETURN scam at You Score Drugstore today. I have only myself to blame. I KNOW better then to ignore the smelling of something STINKY (no..other then the usual) when visiting KillJoy Senior Living. Granny Marnie (Electric Scooter Girl) suggested we should go get some fresh air.. take an invigorating walk over (my feet) to the drugstore so we could shop around. Maybe even “buy a few things”. UUURRRRKKKK. Stop. Right. There. First of all.. why would Granny Marnie suddenly suggest we shop somewhere that organizes products neatly on shelves and sells them with the lids ON? As opposed to the much more creative and familiar form of merchandising..the mixing of miscellaneous crap housed in a dismal going out of business warehouse in some grotty clearance bin..or as I’m so suspiciously inclined to believe—the stores lost and found from decades of yore. How ELSE would you explain the sweater of a certain GREAT GRANDCHILD being “purchased” with his name already indelibly penned inside the collar? Huh? EXPLAIN THAT would you.
As usual, I stupidly go along with the idea that she pitched. Granny has a friend Rita who lives in the bad part of town.. down the hall in room 271— the “no view” side (pfff..such a shame) of KillJoy. Seems that good ole Rita has been an incredibly dear person and brought over a plant for Marnie to kill enjoy. Marnie wants to return the favor by gifting Rita something really special and heartfelt for her birthday today. Like this meticulously wrapped in news paper (obituary section).. can of Glade air freshener. Why Marnie. OMG. She’ll Loooooove it. A fancy kind? Oh..yeah Marnie. GLADE is PERFECT and totally fancy.
Twenty minutes into our search for the birthday card that will relay Marnie’s feelings of deep gratitude for Rita’s friendship, joy of her birth, AND be priced UNDER the .50-cent price allotment.. we find it.
Have a Happy Fourth. Let’s celebrate with a BANG.
Marnie.. How on earth are you going to pull THAT off? She’s gonna get suspect when she see’s the FLAG and fireworks on the front. Even if you DO write an EIGHT in front of the FOURTH.
So it goes. We look at one and another one.. until I found this singing card that screams out, “You’re looking FINE..for EIGHTY NINE.” Are you kidding? Who cares that Rita’s turning eighty-four? It’s not like she’s going to get pissed at my granny for a four-year discrepancy. She’s lucky— if you ask me, to be getting a card after receiving such an extravagant gift.
You like it? It’s FIVE BUCKS. (Waiting for convulsions.) Score! Then I notice that Marnie has decided she needs a box of thank you cards.. hmmmm. I don’t RECALL any mention of having to THANK anyone. An impulse buy or something much more sinister? I’m going with the latter choice only because she grabbed it without looking at the price and then zoomed to the checkout stand before I could start asking questions. Always trying to keep 100 steps (miles) ahead of me.. aren’t you granny?
There is never too much variation on the CON theme.. with Marnie. We begin by flashing our “I’m just a sweet little old lady in an electric scooter who would NEVER even THINK to rip you off” smile. With the.. “BECAUSE you remind me of my grandson” finish. He reminds you of WHICH grandson? Because if I’m not mistaken.. I do believe I detect a slight East Indian accent. I want to say..maybe the Calcutta area?
MARNIE: I’ve BEEN to India you know. Loved the people. What a very spiritual place (OMG..That’s SO PBS) and the shopping.. it’s FANTASTIC.
Way to bond Marnie.
Then Marnie says all sheepishly to the sweet young chap.. that, she’s RETURNING.
Returning? To India?
She reaches behind her scooter and pulls out this plastic baggie. Oh. My bad. You just want to return this lightly used, THIRTY-year-old thermometer. To think.. I actually thought YOU were capable of something.. woo hoo (spinning finger in circles around one side of head). Nutters. W-a-i-t… To EXCHANGE it for these cards.. would make it all seem so much more LEGITIMATE.
Without blinking an eye, Marnie hands the guy this..GAWD only KNOWS where it’s BEEN, Mercury thermometer (yup. I know. Ew.). Of course there is no receipt because I GOT IT AS A GIFT. Didn’t I dear?
This is the reason I live. So I may lie for little old ladies who discover they have thermometers lying around that will never be used (again). Ahhh. My purpose in this life is great. So what do I do? I chose the moment to announce that I have to go to the bathroom BADLY and I need the back room key. I do Marnie..I DOOOO. (adding little dance for effect). I amaze EVEN me with my awesomeness. Y-e-s. I KNOW what I’m getting for my birthday gift.
Unless..
Happy Birthday Rita—
A
Copyright © 2009 My Sandwich Generation. All rights reserved.
OMG Marnie is a hoot! You’ve got to admire her; that is one spirited lady with guts. I certainly could never pull that off with a straight face.
Yeah another read! I am on firer…I’m get wee amounts of time 2 myself, who would have guessed! Just 2day on twitter my wee little friend from Scotland called me her ‘Peter Pan’ for I am so child like in my life! I do hope I stay this way 4ever…Reading your blogs makes me see that it is truely a possible thing! Thank you 4 the fab read…!