ACKKK! It's my DIL. I'm so freakin' right now.

Dear Diary,

HUGE mega excitement on the dementia floor of Happy Daze Assisted today..because do I KNOW what holiday is coming up? I? My MIL Ru is pressing me for details about the big plans for HALLOWEEN and wants to discuss her outfit in full detail. Before we do this of course I need to make sure we are actually talking about the same opposed to LAST year when I dressed her up as Roger Rabbit and she kept telling everyone she was going EASTER egg hunting. Way to mess with the other resident’s heads granny.

In order to figure out exactly what ideas (as if) Ru has for her costume.. I’ll need to spend a good chunk of time with her AWAY from the distraction of Thelma who is poking her nose into our conversation every five seconds and yelling, “That WAS my idea to go as a hippie flower child on MUSHROOMS.” Suuuure it was THELMA and I’ll bet the gangsta psycho biker chick (with light-up walker) was all yours too? SO.. are we having mushrooms or NOT? Don’t they K-N-O-W that mushrooms make me gassy? Gag. Thelma. We’re out of here. No WAY are we going to allow a breech in the security to spoil our bid for the most creative costume up on ROAM.

I’m a little o-l-d to go as a tooth fairy. Don’t you think? Oh PLEEEZE Ru’Mae.. you would make the most awesome semi-cognizant tooth fairy there EVER was. Think how cool you’d look. We could put (rustling through drawers) THIS nightie on.. with.. OMG these (pulling out Depends) for your wings. Have you ever noticed how DEPENDS are just stiff enough that if you tape them on to say..some poor senile MIL’s shoulders with a good roll of medical tape they look like..

Why are you LOOKING at me with that confused look. OOPS. I forgot. HOLD still. I promise you’ll LOVE this when I’m done. Now..ta ta tee tee tah.. what shall I use for the headpiece? Hmmm..(glancing around room) YES! We’ll take THIS straw hat and pair it with..

What are you using MY shower scrunchie for? I USE it all the time. You had BETTER. NOT. Remember the last time you got imaginative?

OK. Ta da! Come here Ru and behold— the TOOTH FAIRY.

Just as Ru is giving herself the once over in the full length..her neighbor in 134 C. Odessa, decided to stick her little curly blue head in to take a peek at what all the commotion was about.

“Why does she have that hanger rod poking up with the scrunchie on top of her hat?”

Is it not OBVIOUS to you. Feh. THAT’S her halo. Hello? Anyone can see that.

“What about those underwear taped on to her nightgown? Do those hold any significance or am I missing that one too?

You can’t be serious.

“Do tooth fairies HAVE halos? I thought it was ANGELS that have halo’s?”

Ga. Then she’ll be a friggin’ tooth fairy angel. Happy? Are you feeling it granny.. Tooth fairy angel girl?

I just think (NOT THAT AGAIN) it’s not so realistic for me to be a tooth fairy at my age.

I really feel much more..MADONNA.

Sure.. Well hey. I can understand THAT. After all Madonna is so much closer to REALITY for you granny. What..with you being all of 82 years of age and living on THIS HERE dementia floor.

“How about.. I could be a Queen and YOU could be my handmaiden? THAT might be cute.”

Yeah. So what ELSE is new? Anyway the answer is NO. We’ve done the queen before and I couldn’t get that tiara off your head a month. Plus it was PATHETIC.. not to mention DEGRADING for me to have to walk behind you calling you MUM.

Let’s go ahead and call you Madge. I can do Madonna if I need to. Heck. Wasn’t it me who’s said NUMEROUS times.. granny’s been known to pull off a better Madonna then the material girl herself. Who else would think to wear not just ONE..but TWO pointy (cone shaped..circa 1950) bras over their tank and add a cute pair of leggings (compression hose) to finish the look? HOT.

Problems with the dressing-up in costume on a dementia floor:

A. People are dressed up as something.. but can’t remember WHO they’re supposed to be.

B. Confusion ensues when people can’t wear what they had on YESTERDAY for the holiday..again the NEXT day.

C. Why do we dress up on Christmas again?

I am keenly aware of the possibility of my MIL getting decked out in her finest hoochie Madonna wear..only to go into the dining room and come in contact with the Wicked Witch of the North as portrayed by Doris riding her wheelchair and holding Harriet’s little stuffed doggie shouting, I’m going to get you my pretty and your little dog too. (Raucous cackle) Bwah heh heh heh heh he..

Ru will be all.. DORIS GIVE Harriet her dog back THIS i-n-s-t-a-n-t.

Then Doris will turn her little beady eyes in the direction of my Madonna and yell..who’s going to try and stop me? (pause to assess) A little Miley Cyrus Doll?

I am NOT a Miley Cyrus doll..I’m a..?


What is this I’ve got on anyway?

See? Exactly what I’m trying to avoid. What I need to work into the costume is a name-tag that says, HELLO. MY name is: MADONNA. The perfect way for everyone to KNOW who Ru is and if she forgets who she is then she can look down and remember. One flaw to my idea.. Blanche will start with the HOW are you doing Madonna? Are you NEW here? Maybe you would like to come sit at my table with Lex Luthor and Anakin Skywalker?

Talk about confusing.

My Sandwich Generation ladies and gentlemen.. it might be better to come bearing a bag of fun size snickers bars and keep it at that. I wouldn’t suggest YOU dress up in any costume. If YOUR family member has dementia, they ALREADY can’t recognize you and THAT should be good enough for now. Feel free to bring the children though. Nothing will warm (stop) the heart of your loved one more– then seeing the grand-kids dressed as Lady Gaga and the TERMINATOR when they answer the banging on that faux bookcase door.



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Posted in Uncategorized 12 years, 8 months ago at 8:21 pm.

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  1. You’re never too old to dress up for Halloween! I would skip using body glitter on MIL, it’s hard to get out of those skin wrinkles.