GOT BALLS?
Dear Diary,
Who would EVER think that by just doing some completely random act such as showing up to granny Marnie’s place at NIGHT rather than my typical morning hour visit.. I could have hypothetically been in a position to save her life..HAD her life ACTUALLY needed to be saved. Phew..HEAVY stuff. Why me Gawd? While I pause to ponder that point..I’ll just tell you it was absolutely FRIGHTENING..those blood curdling screams and agonizing groans emanating from the inside of Marnies place over at..KillJoy Senior Living: if it’s not already done..we’ll DO IT to you. Seriously..I was so freaked out. I didn’t know what to do. I just STOOD there..frozen. Unable to move except to finish the last of my Grande Mocha Frappuccino.. cuz if I didn’t— it would get all melty and I’d just end up dumping it after the rescue. Then Marnie would get majorly ticked because I wasted the money and didn’t drink the whole thing. Could defiantly do without THAT lecture tonight.
My ear was pressed against the door as I tried desperately to figure out what the muffled voice was saying. The shouting would become loud one minute..then nothing the next. I could hear poor Marnie yell to the thug, “Run..just take IT and run. You are such a loser.” That’s RIGHT. You heard me…OUCH! That hurts. EEE GADS.. NOT the KICK? UGHHHH. How could you dooooo THATTTTT?”
Cripes ALL MIGHTY..get your lousy “butter fingers” (her words) OFF. MY. GRANNY. I can’t stand it any longer and I began to frantically look around the hallway for a “gentleman” to send in. After all..I’m a mother. It wouldn’t be RIGHT to go into a potentially VIOLENT situation when it’s really a MANS job. Plus.. I don’t do well under pressure. Total performance anxiety.
Hey! Milt. What’s happenin? Milt.. Marnie’s next-door neighbor is eager to have someone acknowledge his existence..especially a YOUNG lady (Shut-up) such as myself. Hey! Milt.. my little MANTHER friend. Got any cute young hotties lined up for dinner and a movie night? Turns out Milt’s hooked up with Bertha in room 429. HE says she’s 80 years old..I think she closer to 70. Way to do the HALF-YOUR-AGE-PLUS-SEVEN Milty. Enjoy DISTURBIA. It’s a classic. Milt? Could you go and knock on Marnie’s door. I’m kinda scared there’s something going on in there and you’re so STRONG and well equipped. With that walker and all. Yup. In he’ll charge..overpowering the felon and lifting (dragging) Marnie to safety. SCARY. Never mind.
MARNIE! Open the door (tap tap tap.. with pinkie finger) M-A-R-N-I-E let me in? It’s the POLICE. I brought back up. Well. Guess she’s busy. I’ll come back tomorrow.
“WHO’S there?”
Marnie. It’s me. Can you let me in? Then she puts on this really sweet act so I have NO doubt that there’s someone inside waving a pistol under her nose so that she fakes nice and I leave. Go on old lady. Say something old lady-ish so that dumb granddaughter of yours..you know the pretty and SKINNY one I see in this picture..quits harassing us and leaves so I can do what I CAME here to do. Steal that PRICELESS Lazy Susan you got for winning the Bridge Extravaganza of 1972. I won’t fall for it. No sir.
Oh honey. I didn’t hear you. I’m right in the middle of some.. OH NO. Run. Run. AAACCCCKKKKK! You open this door RIGHT now Marnie.
Then I hear Marnies electric scooter make it’s way towards the door. Urrrrrrkk. Vrrrroooom. Urrrrrrrkkkkk. KBUSHHHH (hitting the side of the wall). plink. (plaster falling on the floor). Urrrrrkkk. SCCRRRREECH (arriving at destination). The door’s flung open to reveal.. my Marnie. The tears rolling down her cheeks; her nose with Kleenex shoved up one nostril mumbling to no one in particular (as per usual).. SUCH AN UPSET. SUCH an absolute upset. I am really QUITE concerned as you can imagine. What..with not knowing WHAT the heck’s going on in the joint and Marnie all hysterical.. laughing and crying screaming down the hall..WE WON THE GAME! (moving head back and forth to the rhythm of her chant) We-ee wo-on the ga-me. We wooon the ga-me. We ru-le the wor-ld. In yo FACE mother!
I push past Marnie and head straight for the scene of the potential crime. It was a PIGSTY. There was an opened box of SEE’S Chocolates with ONE caramel cluster missing and the brown paper liner lying on the table. Many (2) cans of prune nectar with straws still in them and a GO HUSKIES shirt and matching hat “thrown” (gulp).. over the CHAIR of all places. What did you do with my REAL grandma? You FAKE. Honey? Did you watch the game? OMG. In my whole LIFE.. do you think I have ever seen such an exciting game? I don’t know Marnie..have you? Feh.
“Scootergirl” and her football. What IS it about some “tight end” running around on the grass in those skimpy spandex Capri’s with their cankles exposed that Marnie finds so darn appealing…OHHHHH. Marnie—whose THAT? Easy girl. Marnie is quickness incarnate with her amazing recall on anything “player” related.
I think if I remember correctly..that’s JOE NAMETH.
Ohhhh. The Noxzema guy.
Yeah. I could grow to like this game. Granny’s face lights up as she goes down the list.. and I’m so glad to have discovered another activity I have in common with her. My Sandwich Generation..find something to do with your senior that you BOTH enjoy. Then you’ll have all those fab NEW memories of laughter and joy to cherish forever. Suck up every last second of these precious times..or— just SUCK UP. That works too. GO DAWGS!
Woof.
A
Copyright © 2009 My Sandwich Generation. All rights reserved.
It is always a wonderment 2 me- a ball,a team of sweaty males, a telle, a person. Put them all 2gether and goars of noise that comes out when a ball is dropped or the ref gets it wrong! Or the overwhelming joy that is had when a team wins.
Sound similiar 2 a natural birth with no pain relief - and yet it is nothing alike! There is something the size of a ball trying 2 find it’s way out of a much smaller goal! And yet the reaction is the same as a ball going in2 a much bigger goal!
thank you 4 the laugh!
Wonderful story had me on the edge of my seat. I guess the lazy susan survived and is still in one piece, but what about Milt and Bertha, will it last?
You will be happy to know..the Lazy Susan is untouched. I see nary a finger print in the 2 inches of dust that lay on top. As for Milty and Bertha. O-V-E-R. Milty’s WIFE doesn’t care that he has “a touch of dementia” and FORGOT he was married..again. Feh. Tough luck. Thanks for the message Pecker;)