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PERSONAL QUESTIONS

Dear Diary,

Received an interesting questionnaire the other day that would require me to seek the HELP (oh dear GAWD) of my MIL Ru (dementia) and granny Marnie (electric scooter girl) to complete. I know. Ludicrous. Yet..there was no way I could answer some of the questions that were asked.. please bare with me as I unfold this waded up paper with chewed bubblegum tape stuck to it. Like this one on— let me see.. sexual frequency and the one on..OOPS. Wait. Wrong survey tee hee hee. (Hiding Glamour Magazine Q&A sheet back in purse) I have the other one right here.

Since I’m not the one that ACTUALLY lives at Happy Daze Assisted Living or KillJoy retirement— motto: if it’s not already done— we’ll do it to you, I’m thinking a much more accurate assessment could be had by asking the two seniors who actually have to EAT the delicious creamed chipped beef with brussel sprout puree. Mmmmm. I new they both would be thrilled at the prospect of sharing their opinion to anyone who asked..because let’s face it when was the last time anyone asked Ru or Marnie what they THOUGHT. Mighty presumptuous of this company if you ask ME to try and solicit coherent thoughts.. were potentially THERE. ARE. NONE. But..I’ll try anything once with Marnie and Ru.. being that I’m not always terribly bright.

I gather up my two charges and have them sit down and get comfortable for the question and answer session.. only AFTER everyone has had a chance to visit the bathroom (numerous times), draw on their eyebrows, and help themselves to the free cookie platter in the lobby of KillJoy with joyful abundance.

ME: Marnie?

MARNIE: What?

I could tell this whole process was going to be..LENGTHY. Marnie I have a question to ask you first then I’ll ask YOU Ru. K? Pffff. I don’t KNOW why Marnie gets to go first Ru. I promise.. it’s so NOT based on who’s wearing the new Ralph Fall line and who’s not. You’re so DRAT insecure.

MARNIE.. What do you think about life at KillJoy? Wellllll.. I’m watching Marnie take the pose of deep introspection. Sticking her finger on the side of her mouth to appear deep in.. thought?

“Let me think.” Take your time.

Doo dee doo dee dum. Buh dump bump.

I notice granny focusing in on me with a frown creasing her (meticulously arched) brow. I would say brows but I kind of screwed up the second one. It got all smudgy and now she’s sporting one side Rita Hayworth and one side Groucho Marx. It’s a look.

Why don’t you sit up straight? Your clothes look so much nicer on you when you do. Really. Your mother never stands up straight. Do you want to be like your..  OMG is THAT Shirley Simpleton (waving across the room)! Hi dear. I’ll be up for bridge just as soon as I answer these QUESTIONS that I HAVE to do (because I’m so much more important then you and the proof is.. that I have been sent a survey and YOU clearly have NOT).

QUESTION 1: WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR PLACE?

Marnie: I Like the furniture. Which is..by the way GORGEOUS and if I could— I would sneak down into the lobby in the middle of the night and take one of the chairs for my room. I just don’t know how I might pull that off.. yet.

Ru: I like the good looking men that work at my place. They’re always dressed so nicely in those tee shirts and yellow hats. With their big bulging muscles flexed as they hammer away at whatever they’re building. You should see the size of their..equipment. Huge trucks and tractors. Not a day goes by that they don’t shout and wave at me as I go by on my walks.

QUESTION 2: WHAT DON’T YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR PLACE?

Marnie: As you know I’m always on a diet so when KillJoy sticks Eggs Benedict with fried potatoes and four strips of bacon in front of me and I’ve PAID for it. How am I to say “NO I’ll just have a half of grapefruit.” We all know ½ grapefruit is $1.50 and Eggs Benedict is $2.50. So, I eat the drecky eggs and feel like I want to barf after.. all in the name of getting my MONEY’S worth.

Ru: As fun as it is to play group games like Made You Blink and Stare Down with the other residents sitting (laying) on the couch waiting..for NOTHING. It would be nice to do something much more nourishing..like SPA day. Where we get massages and facials and make all the people downstairs completely jealous and more bitter that THEY don’t have dementia.

QUESTION 3: WHY DID YOU CHOOSE YOUR PLACE?

Marnie: The art glass was lovely. Also my apartment had a fantastic view and a walk in closet. FREE cookies and fruit room..PLUS all the Splenda and Tea bags you can shove in your bag..FREE

Ru: The art glass was lovely. Also my apartment had a fantastic view (please see answer to question #1) and a walk in closet. Free cookies, tea and fruit room. Free Green Foil After Dinner Mints in “RESTAURANT” candy bowl.. FREE

QUESTION 4: HOW DO THEY TREAT YOUR FAMILY?

Marnie: I don’t care.. as long as they kiss up to me.

Ru: I wouldn’t know. I think they’re NICE to her. Why? Aren’t they SUPPOSED to be nice to her? Maybe I should talk to them.

QUESTION 5: DO YOU LIKE THE STAFF?

Marnie: Oh yes. Sometimes better then.. Never mind. They’re very helpful and agreeable and I don’t have to tell them to modulate their voice and pick their pumpkin scone bits off my carpet.. ever. And they always do as I say. When I ask them to sit quietly and say nothing about the cards I’m holding while I play my hand at BRIDGE.. they listen unlike SOME PEOPLE I KNOW.

Ru: Oh yes. They’re all pretty darn great. There is this ONE..she takes me for walks every day and she plucks my chin hairs. She gives me hugs and keeps Faye that crazed bar wench away from me. Because if I tell Faye I don’t want to play POKER..I mean I don’t want to play POKER. She does a superb job in spending quality one on one time with me. I even have a picture of her and my grand children on my wall for some STRANGE reason.

Me: Give “that girl” a RAISE I say. Pffffft.

QUESTION 6: WHAT WAS IT LIKE WHEN YOU FIRST MOVED IN?

Marnie: Awesome. I didn’t have to cook anymore. Terrible.. I couldn’t complain about cooking.

Ru: Move in where?

Anything else you want to add Marnie? HONEY.. There is no SUBSTITUTE ever for having your family with you. I feel so blessed to know that my family is here for me and loves me so much. It doesn’t matter where I am (well, it does.. but YOU know) as long as my family is involved in my life..THAT’S what matters most.

I look over at my MIL and she’s shaking her head “YES” vigorously in agreement.

So very touching.

“Honey is a GREAT substitute.”

AND. My work is DONE.

A

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