KISS OFF
Dear Diary,
Whoa. I am TOTALLY getting chills right now. My MIL Ru who supposedly has “dementia” just pulled out something completely random and pffff.. ACCURATE— out of her..and I use this term loosely.. MEMORY. I am.. for all intensive purposes completely GOB smacked. You have to know.. This is a lady who looks in a mirror at the hairdresser and yells, QUICK! Find OUT who does HER hair before she LEAVES. Truly, one never knows what events will warrant UNDERSTANDING let alone memory sticking power and WHICH will be unceremoniously flushed away into the dark abyss. Much like SOMEONES pants upon discovering that they were a slightly BIGGER size then a certain SOMEONE usually wears. No names.
I’m hanging with Ru up on ROAM (dementia floor) in the dining room, trying to recall the name of that “new girl” who JUST moved in (June 05). What does it rhyme with? Yeah ME. Way to exhibit your brilliance in dealing with a dementia patient. Well..I think it might rhyme with Jo. Ok. Let’s see.. R-O? Ummm. Flo? Shmo? Nah. Hey! Ho! How’s it going Ho? She’s obviously NOT responding to Ho. John came roaring around the corner in his souped up wheel chair with flags hanging off the oxygen tank holders for that BAD BOY effect.. almost taking out Ho..had it not been for Ru..who remembered at the last minute and screamed.. “WATCH OUT Judy.”
YOU know I had SUCH a fun time at that place the other day.
Everybody at our table stopped shoveling in their Cream of Chicken soup..long enough to take in this excitement and try to remember if THEY also could have had a really FUN time at THAT place. After three seconds had elapsed..I guess they just gave up because everyone just kept on going with all that nasty slurping and sloshing. Except for Selma— whose curiosity was ever so slightly piqued. Where did you go dear? Were we there with you? Ru looks at me to help her out and realizes that I have problems of my own.
My mouth is all numb with this stream of drool trickling slightly out of the left side of my mouth due to the dental work (hole drilling) that had been recently inflicted upon me. Do you want my napkin to clean yourself up a bit? I look around and see all these elderly gawking at me. Oh come ON. It’s not as if YOU don’t do this on a regular basis WALTER. Give me a freakin BREAK.
You have a little..(pointing to my neck) Right there. No. Not quite. It’s right th.. no down a bit.
Care to say it a little LOUDER Ru? This was SUPPOSED to be my SAFE HAVEN where I could come and recoup and NOT be judged for slobbering and looking all.. Duhhhhh I can’t feel my face. WOW. Are THESE my LIPS? (patting self’s nose).
You know it’s kind of VULGAR watching you over there. Who did you say you WERE again? I don’t think I have the stomach for this. Hissssssss.
OH PLEEEZE MARION. I didn’t say a word when you were on that drug to make you less ENTHUSIASTIC. You kept falling asleep with your face in the Mashed Potatoes Garlica. R-e-m-e-m-b-e-r?
I went with my DIL to Neiman Marcus last week and we saw SHOES.
Huh?
Wha?
Why yes. Yes we did. Do you REMEMBER what we did there Ru?
BUZZZZZ. When speaking with an individual(s) with dementia conventional wisdom dictates the stupidity of asking.. DO you remember? Of COURSE they don’t remember. If a memory HAPPENS along from time to time..well, then we celebrate it. We don’t need to go digging around giving POP QUIZZES. Unless.. you happen to be like me and can’t HELP but test the theory that granny really doesn’t HAVE dementia she’s just using it as an excuse to eat multiple lunches, hit on as many good looking FELLAS as she likes and suck every morsel of attention out of her DIL as she can— before her dirty little secret is unearthed.
So..tell us. What kind of shoes were you looking at?
They were dark.
Goooood. And…?
They were really HIGH heels.
OMG.
They were BLACK with jewels.
EEEECK. Incredible.
I’m hugging the breath out of poor Selma. The sheer joy that my MIL has REMEMERED something—anything.. has rendered me..
FOOL. Would you mind getting your SALIVA off my..FACE?
Selma is unimpressed.
What were their names. Do you see their NAMES? Concentrate.
NIKE.
Oh. So. Close.
Valentino.
Yeah. That’s what I said didn’t I?
I look around to share my moment with my dear friends. I realize then.. that my FRIENDS have left to dryer ground. All but our home boy John..Who was very eager to share with granny and I the details of HIS YEARS of dental work. Funny thing. It was VERY hard to concentrate on what he was saying when I was becoming hypnotized by his dentures flipping around inside his mouth. This. I would sooner forget.
My Sandwich Generation.. as tempting as it is to check up on your seniors “retention” every so often. Resist. There will be hills and valleys in their cognitive abilities and even more shocking.. Personalities. Let me tell YOU. THAT.. could have YOU swinging left and right very easily. Resist at all costs.. basing your moods on THEIR bumpy terrain. There are the good months..and (sigh) the pathetic ones. The trick will be.. skill when maneuvering those BUMPS. Hang in there and rely on YOUR all weather, all terrain.. FOUR wheel drive, to absorb the shocks.
Bump.
A
Copyright © 2009 My Sandwich Generation. All rights reserved.
Enjoy your flippancy and light-heartedness in this whole mess. Some of it does get a bit hysterical. My problem is that I am not the sandwich generation. It’s a bit harder to deal with when its your spouse, and not your MIL, but been there too. Ah well, better to laugh a little than cry a lot. Take care.
Ann
Yes Ann..Very true that it is a different story when it is your spouse. Still..you’re right. It all boils down to finding the joy and laughter anyway you can in the midst of a very difficult situation. I send all support and hugs to you. I fervently hope that you are taking good care of yourself.