An INSIDE JOB.
Dear Diary,
I had this thought.. and already after saying that.. I can totally HEAR you all doing the OH NOOOO. NOT THAT.. thing, behind my back. Even if I did hear your warnings.. I would’ve STILL tried to get granny Marnie to enter my car by swinging her butt out and OVER the handlebars of her electric scooter on the count of five.. with the slightest of nudges delivered (with zeal) by me, to create enough force for her to land on the.. ewwww oops.. stick shift. Yes it hurt her a little.. but it didn’t KILL her; so I’m just like, SUCK it up Marnie.. it’s all going to be worth it when you’re shoveling enough samples to provide you two weeks worth of nourishment in that purse of yours compliments of Trader Joes.
Unfortunately Marnie’s minor discomfort briefly overshadowed the field trip adventure for the first 30 minutes (2 hours) because it’s mega hard to focus on bonding time when SOMEONE keeps shrieking, “STOP! Let me out of here! I’ll CRAWL home if I have to” whenever I took the dozen or so speed bumps a l-i-t-t-l-e faster then the posted “suggestion” on the sign. Who goes under thirty anyway? That’s all part of the fun of having a small, tin, no shocks car to tool around in. You get to FEEL the road mannnnn. Ga. I’m rugged.
Once we pulled into our parking place I still had the daunting task of convincing Marnie that most people leave the safety of their CAR when they go shopping. Have it YOUR way. Rest up a bit and shake out your legs before I unfurl your splayed sweaty fingers from this here door handle, so that I may GENTLY move you onto your wheel chair with MORE care then previously administered. K?
Marnie, NOT being one to be duped TWICE (within the hour) starts eyeing me suspiciously. “Maybe YOU should put down your PHONE for five seconds and WATCH this time to see where you’re throwing me.”
Maybe I should..
I was just beginning to doubt if Marnie had guts enough to take another LEAP of faith into my awaiting arms.. when all of a sudden.. MIRACLE of miracles, I hear shouting and see frantic hand signals from the passenger side of my car like she wants to get out. Or I could be wrong. Maybe they weren’t signals at all. Perhaps the more likely explanation might be that Marnie, upon deciding a safer route was to break the window by hammering it with her fists and then climbing out.. was talking to herself while she worked. Not being sure which road she’d take, I at ONCE (after posting my new status update on facebook) threw my coat on the ground to break her fall and then rolled the electric window down so nobody would get hurt on glass fragments should I be right.
“What does that lady have? Quick! Look over there. Yoo hoo! L-A-D-Y! What do you have in your napkin? Chocolate Tiramisu samples?”
Yes! Brilliant. The old.. LURE them out with the choicest free foodstuffs trick. Why didn’t I think of that?
Uh. Uh. Uhhhhh (zipping lip motion). THAT.. was a RHETORICAL question you guys. Don’t all shout at once.
Of course the nice lady looks over our way and holds up her plate towards granny and says something to me in the ballpark of, THIS is so YUM.. you have to get some. And then I translated to Marnie EXACTLTLY what the lady said to me as she crammed every last spongy morsel into her red lipsticked mouth.
“She says you had better hurry up.. cuz she thinks she’s got the last one.”
Five seconds later inside:
MARNIE: May I have one of those lovely pieces of.. WHAT do you say it is? I’ve never tried it before (shoving third slice of WHAT DO YOU SAY IT IS.. in her mouth).
ME: Marnie.. Do you want me to hold your (20th) sample of coffee so you don’t spill it while we shop?
MARNIE: Oh no (I don’t trust you with a ten foot pole) I wouldn’t want you to have more work to do, honey. You just stand way over THERE (pointing across the store) and take care of your shopping.
Then.. splat. Coffee EVERYWHERE.. as some dummy bashes into the back of my Marnie’s wheel chair while t-r-y-i-n-g to reach OVER Marnie carefully to have a EGG WHITE SALAD taste.
Marnie. Oh my gosh! Is it hot? Did it burn you? Are you eating that.. noodle salad?
Ummmm.. Yeah I know. Then as I’m screaming, IT’S DRIPPING on the burrito with Salsa Verde, DO something.. I notice Feta Egg white salad is spewing out of my mouth and onto the top of Marnies Hairpiece, Bertha. NOW we have an elderly woman, sitting in her wheelchair, covered in Colombian dark roast.. with her granddaughter picking egg chunks from her hair.. smooshing burrito sample into her purse and blotting herself with dirty KLEENEX. Nice.
The great thing about Marnie is.. her generosity. Even after alllllll the fiasco, Marnie found it in her heart, to not only FORGIVE me.. but to INSIST that she would like to contribute to my dinner party the next evening by picking up the tab for the basket load of groceries I’m going to purchase. I KNOW. Awesome, right? Except.. as we get up to the check out, I see Marnie pull out her wallet and start counting:
ONE
TWO
THREE
FOURRRRRRR dollars..
and FIVE
SIX..
Well.. this doesn’t look good. DOES IT.. all you people standing behind me in line, giving me the HOW DARE YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS POOR WOMAN stabby eyed look. Not that anything else up to this POINT has looked any better. But hmpfff— even I have limits.
Being that she’s now ALL the way up to.. TWELVE and DONE. I realize, I would either have to put everything BACK and go with the HALF a pound of.. organic almonds for dinner or tell Marnie the truth.
“Marnie.. he says it comes to $12 dollars. Think you have it?”
Oh GAWD. I’m so clever (gag gag).
“Amazing. Because THAT’s what I have right here.”
I KNOW. How crazy is that?
I begin to secretly swipe my credit card for $32 through the machine and wink furiously at the check out dude HOPING he doesn’t get the wrong idea.. like all the people WATCHING. Then handing him MARNIES $12 in soiled wet bills and sticking my hand out for him to shove them BACK at me on the way out. GA. All the while, Marnie is positively GIDDY with this look of, I just made a killing off of Trade Joe by paying $12 for a SHEET load of food stuffs and no one has a clue. Fools.
Granny leans towards me and says, BETTER push fast out the door. Before he figures out he added wrong. Heh heh heh. We should come back TOMORROW and try it again.”
Yes. Let’s.
-A
Copyright © 2009-2010 My Sandwich Generation. All rights reserved.
I know there was something I have to do, tis morn’. It was to read your blogs, after my eyes received the sleep that they much needed. O! to the long night of waiting up to catch the Bunny delivering those chocolate eggs. And the ponder of ‘Who is really watching every word I type on the internet. And why do they just not follow? If they love me so’. But then it hits me in the face, the tears that would run down their faces daily. Would destroy their makeup applied in the morning..evil laugh!
Thank you again
Lots of Love Me.