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Granny Marnie and I at a party

Dear Diary,

Do you know the amount of tedious labor that’s involved in getting my granny Marnie (electric scooter girl) and my MIL Ru (dementia) ready for a party these days?  Oh what a joke you guys because I have to be so organized with the schedule for nails and hair. Plus I have to make sure everyone has their eyebrows drawn on correctly or see to it that their eyebrows are drawn on with as close of an approximation to some brown hue, as opposed to say.. experimenting at the last minute with Estee Lauder Red Poppy lip liner because SOMEONE thought she read somewhere that it would really make her eyes POP. Oh yeah Ru.. but you’re NOT Marilyn Manson now are you? So I suggest we take them off and try it again. K? This is where I totally get into character and start being all beauty salon technician— seating Ru in a special chair in her bedroom that I like to call my.. SPECIAL CHAIR.

“Hello? I’m sorry.. what did you say your name was again? I need to check my book to see what time your appointment is. Hmmmm.. Have you been here before? OOPS. NEVER MIND.. That was a dumb question. Who are you seeing today Ru?”

“Who am I seeing? Heh heh heh..Wouldn’t YOU like to know? Let’s see.. I think his name is..”

ME: (rolling eyes towards heavens) Nooooooo. Who’s doing YOUR hair and face today? Come on Ru.. just be with me won’t you in our own completely bogus reality. Even though I know it’s QUITE the departure from how you USUALLY live your life. Feh. This is now a beauty salon and I’m your girl. So.. who are you here to see today?

RU: I don’t know.. I forgot her name.

I get all set up with my supplies and begin to scrutinize the birthday girl’s features.. with the well trained eye of a seasoned con artist. Yuh huh. Have no freakin idea what kind of FACE I’m supposed to create with a tube of gunked up foundation from 1983 with some mighty nice (putting on back of wrist for skin match) GREYISH undertones. For the girl that wants that pasty I’M JUST DECEASED but ready to rock the town.. look. OMG. What’s THIS? A blush compact.. which people I totally recognize as this gift with purchase from my Clinique mascara a few years back. Neon magenta typically is the MOST flattering to all complexion types.. so maybe I’m doing something wrong because as I finish sweeping the pink powder on the apples of Ru’s cheekbones, in kind of a backwards “C” towards her eyes. You know.. like all the magazines tell you to do.

Granny’s all “well? How do I look?” Gah. I HATE really hard quizzes when I’m focusing. I stepped back (tripping over my purse) to ponder this question and WHO pokes her little blue-foiled head in the door to advise? But only the top ROAM (Random Occasional Accidental Memory) floor fashionista herself.. Marion.

“Who the halle smacked her upside the head like that? Maybe you should blend all that purple and blue and.. (leaning in and breathing dragon breath) green eye shadow, together more and really make her look like she TOOK it h-a-r-d. She’ll get an extra dessert at lunch if you do. Do you want ME to show you.. here give me that tampon. The trick is to blend it and blend it.. so that it all looks like one big (stepping back to assess) Hahahaha.” Oh shut it Marion. Obviously some people don’t keep up with the latest looks in VAGUE. I think Ru looks.. dramatic.

Wouldn’t you guess.. Ru’s BUSTING with excitement to go show off her look downstairs and I have no choice but to go along with her— of course keeping a safe distance between myself and my MIL. So people don’t get the wrong idea and think I beat her up or something. Unfortunately as we enter the All You Can Eat (and shove in your purse for later) free cookie and tea room there’s this group of about ten guys sitting around totally checking out Ru and pleeeeeze don’t think for a minute she MISSED that! Because.. of her AHBAD. Alzheimer’s Halted By Adorable Dudes. Hel-lo-oh? No way she’s gonna not slow WAYYYY down as she passes the table so they can get a real GOOD look of her YOUTHFUL beauty and totally real teeth.

“Look at all of you. I could cryyyyyy. Thank you so much for being here (shaking hands) and giving me SUCH a fantastic party and I want you all to just kick back (not too far) and enjoy yourselves. You can hand the gifts you brought to my DIL so you don’t forget to later.” *wink wink*

I’m looking at these old guys who have these blank (er) stares on their faces and chime in with my youthful fakey chirpy voice, “It’s Ru’s BIRTHDAY today. Isn’t that AWESOME? How about we do something for her?” They’re looking at me as if to say, WHAT exactly did you have in mind lady?

Ru has this devilish grin on her face that screams, YES! Score! You found my birthday present.. now see if you can finesse it a bit— get him to put on the SPEEDO tank and squeeze himself inside my cake and we’ll be good.

MIL Ru waiting for dude to jump out of her cake.

We stand there and wait for some kind of response. Anything. Then this one guy.. who’s been looking in his pocket the whole time for what.. his cell phone? Car keys? Ohhhh wait. Magnifying glasses and THOSE won’t be helping our cause at all. Peers over at Ru and says, “How old are you anyway?”

Oh I’m so sure. Who asks a question like THAT and thinks they’re going to get an answer that’s within ten to twenty years of said WOMANS real age.

“I turned NINETY-SEVEN today.”

Say wha? You’re eighty-two.

RU: Who cares how old I am.. did you hire me my little “birthday wish” yet? You REMEMBERED didn’t you?

Yeah. About that. Not happening granny.

Ru made a point (to the whole dementia floor and all the staff) about what she wanted MOST for her birthday. After I got over the initial shock and started to think it might be doable.. the last I heard he got busted and has a court appearance booked for today so he can’t make it. Drat.

Party pooper.


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Posted in Uncategorized 12 years, 6 months ago at 8:47 pm.


2 Replies

  1. widdlydids Jan 27th 2010

    You both look amazing! WOW!
    As 4 the rest well…What can I say? Magic

  2. Adrienne Jan 27th 2010

    Thank you Widdly! Too bad you couldn’t see granny Marnie’s manicure I gave her. Who knew I could keep the paint confined to such a small surface area;) Hugs! -A