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Time of the MONTH

My MIL Ru checking out the..TV.

Dear Diary,

Can I just tell you right now that every single woman up on ROAM (Random Occasional Accidental Memory) floor at Happy Daze Assisted was having her PERIOD today. I don’t know what the HALLE is going on. I’m standing there in the middle of the dining room looking around for my MIL Ru and out of NOWHERE people— for no stinkin reason other then what I suspect is Auntie Flo’s ghost come to visit.. Faye, with this glazed fury look in her beady little eyes takes her walker from behind and bashes it full strength right into my cankles. AAACK. Drat it Faye. H-E-L-L-O I’m standing here woman. Could you have not GONE around me perhaps.. instead of trying to run me down in front of all these (cheering) witnesses and leaving me for dementia floor road kill. To which Faye, the kindly, old and feeble woman answers, “Well then MOVE your fat ARSE out of my way next time why don’t you. I have no other way to get around you.” Right Faye. No other way. Everyone’s sitting at the tables and you’re in a small space that can only accommodate a.. GOVERNORS Inaugural Ball (if they ever so chose to have one here..har har). Such the nice try.

I guess my yelps of pain sounded familiar to Ru because she looks up from the far end of the dining room and upon seeing me all doubled over (picking up my fallen .20 cents in tips off the floor).. starts yelling, “Help! Help! She’s fallen and she can’t get up”. Could we please be a little MORE dramatic when we scream that Ru? Just in case it takes a few DOZEN staff to come quickly sauntering in from all corners and gather around you waiting for further direction.. in roughly (checking watch) five to ten minutes.

Fortunately granny who wastes no time when a human LIFE (responsible for her basic comforts and beauty maintenance) is at stake, decided to take matters into her own hands and ask for a FASTER assessment by (looking around the room)

“YOU there. The enthusiastic girl with her hand raised yelling ME! ME! Quick.. off you go.” Faye— the conscientious hit and run felon HERSELF was going to take time out from downing her tables chocolate pudding surprise and check up on me. I. Am. Honored. She’ll enjoy doubling back to no doubt FINISH her work I would think. Faye decides to add MORE salt to the wound by whispering under her breath while smiling and flashing the thumbs UP sign to Ru, “Oh get off the floor. You’re nothing but a big baby.. like your sister over there in the hallway.. what-chu-ma-call-it. She’s been sitting on the kiss and cry bench sobbing her heart out because she doesn’t know where the TV REMOTE went to and she wants to change the channel on the FISH TANK. Hmpf. Why don’t you go help her and make yourself useful for a change.”

Hey Faye.. I know. Why don’t YOU roll John off the couch and curl up with a Hot Water (and Tonic) bottle. Maybe pop a few MIDOL. K?

As instructed I brought Beth— also known to answer to the name of WHAT-CHU-MA-CALL-IT (a nickname given to her by her BEST friend, WHAT’S-HER-FACE) back into the dining room after making a completely bogus promise that at my earliest convenience I would track down a Ti-Vo and hook it up to record What Not to Wear..from the fish tank when it comes on. Well, what would you have me do? It all sounded perfectly legit—throwing real technical terms like that around.. plus the “girl drama” stopped for a few seconds.. so chill. You should have seen her face when I’m all, “Beth.. just after the part when the little Orange fishy floats up to the top and gets eaten by the blue one.. YOUR show will be on. Cool. Huh? Not only THAT sweetie.. we’ll be able to fast-forward through all the commercials with my new state of the art, soon to be installed— UGGS shoe box. It should work real well balancing on top of the water pump. Want some chocolate?

I had to BRIBE my MIL with a Snickers before SHE caved and agreed to let.. What’s your name again dear?

(sniff sniff) Buh-uh-uh-uh (sniff)-ethh .. wait here it comes. One, two, three HOOOONKKKK. Ewwww.. Gross.

As I was saying.. BETH, sit down next to her. Ru has a realllly long selective memory.. and if it’s one thing she won’t forget it’s our little friend WUSSIE faces’ penchant for being a full on.. as Ru delicately puts it, “pain in the butt.” Fine Ru.. have it YOUR way. I guess (sarcasm drip) I could seat her next to your SHARED boyfriend Wilbur (drip) and see to it that she receives the proper comforting we all know she deserves (splat).

Way to get Granny’s panties in a bigger bunch.. ME. Ru’s like THIS I’d like to see you try. GO AHEAD. You won’t be able to pull Selma out of his face anyhow. This was so very true. Selma was all worked up spitting venom at poor Wilbur, “Don’t you DARE tell me I’m being moody and irrational. You keep THIS up.. you’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight mister.” Poor Wilbur get’s this look on his face like, LADY where the heck do you think I sleep EVERY night? Then reaches in his pocket and produces the two missing TV clickers and shuffles towards Ru’s table seeking asylum with friendlier nations.

“What time is kick off.. do you know?” Ru turns to him and full of snark replies, “Anytime you want to lean over.. we can make it happen.”

-A

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Posted in Uncategorized 7 years, 5 months ago at 9:36 pm.

1 comment

One Reply

  1. widdlydids Jan 22nd 2010

    Just imagine if every1 looked at life through the giggle-me-goggles…It could all be so wonderful! Or we could just simply get bowled over by the simply pleasure/pain of finding the fun in everything…And the dog..! Well my stomach is still in pain 2…Hot water bottle any1? Lot of love From Me…(who is that strange preson saying lots of love?…) It ’s Me
    Bye and Thank You