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NEW YEARS RESTITUTIONS

Dear Diary,

I’m highly perplexed because as I stand at the entrance of KillJoy Senior Living’s dining room I’m being greeted by a pair of beady, stabby with a dash of guilt ridden, EYES belonging to my Granny Marnie.. resplendent with dark brown penciled slasher brows (which obviously I can’t take credit for). Truth be told, there’s actually MORE then one pair of beady stabby eyes with crappy brows.. but THAT pseudo friend of Marnie’s, Gertie, ALWAYS has that look of gastrointestinal distress or a bad case of hemorrhoids (the choice is yours) every time she sees me. OBVIOUSLY she’s still holding on to some petty grudge against me for not alerting her to the fact that she had a rather large quantity of NORTHERN quilted bathroom tissue hanging off the back of her polyester pants leg when we walked out of the ladies lounge together.

Excuse meee (sing song voice). Please don’t judge my actions until you get the full story. I didn’t SAY anything because.. b-e-c-a-u-s-e I couldn’t catch up to her. She was limping WAYYYYY too fast now that her cast is off and she’s figured out how to use that staff she wields like Queen Nefertiti to propel her across the floor. Oh pleeeeeze. You know what the Toilet Paper Madam said to me under her breath when we were all seated at the dinner table? She’s like, “Dear, you chew your food like cud” and I’m all, EXCUSE me? (Because I wasn’t sure I had heard right) Then she does one of THESE.. “What? Huh?” Obviously Marnie and the assorted 6-8 OTHER hard of hearing GOT it the first time. Hahaha. Cackle.. much.

As I walk closer to Marnie I see she is determined to try and pretend she didn’t see me and is bending down in her electric scooter to.. roll under the table. Not a stunt that I feel comfortable recommending to anyone sporting a hairpiece that is held in place by a singular hair.

“Ummmm. Marnie. Lose something down there or.. stuffing a few (dozen) SPLENDA packs into your bag? Here (hands over salt shaker). This is the match to the one you have upstairs.”

I happen to know when something is about to go down. Call it my sixth sense or call it being welcomed by the front desk staff with a complete shock and AWE greeting of, “How much has Marnie LOST? Oh emmm geee! She’s going to be down to NOTHING at this rate.”

Then I look at the receptionist like dude SERIOUSLY? Because you know.. she only plays BRIDGE for nickels right? I mean.. on a really pathetic day (which I may add NEVER happens) she stands to walk (whizz) away from the card table seventy-seventy-five CENTS in the hole at the very MOST. Hardly enough to hawk her scooter and dig out the knee and elbow pads.

Apparently SOMEONE in an attempt to fool herself into thinking she might actually lose 15 lbs of “water weight” in under a week.. increased the stakes a touch— by blabbing her lofty GOALS to a few choice individuals. Now KillJoy maintenance, housekeeping, nursing, book keeping, Jo Shmoe the cable man, the gardener and (as I later came to learn) the Access city bus guy.. all are keenly aware of Marnies highfalutin promises to herself and are impressed beyond measure at her amazing FIVE-pound loss in thirty-six hours. Imagine all these great results from my innocent sweet little granny sitting here next to me dropping ONE, TWO, THREE.. no wait. FOUR sugar cubes in her six-ounce coffee. No doubt, to replenish the lost carbs from her “STRENUOUS” workouts on the “machine” (Treadmill according to the mail chick. Pflugg)

Hey granny I hear you’ve advertised that the “seated, with arm mobility only” contraption has “helped you drop a pant size in two (cough) days (cough, bull.. cough, sh.. cough, hack). Congrats.” Another incredible weight loss story people.. from the girl who has a tendency to make bogus resolutions KNOWING full well that in roughly three to five business days they’re going to be chucked out the window like yesterdays fruit cake and replaced by admissions of FORGETFULNESS.

“Ma’am.. here is your eggs Benedict with a half a quart of crème sauce dumped on top to help hasten a coronary. A side of well-done bacon, for a touch of atherosclerosis and ummmm let’s see. What did I forget? Oh YES! The extra jumbo hurkin cinnamon roll you asked to be wrapped up to go for your afternoon workout. I’ll just run and get your prunes.. anything else I can do for you?”

I’m staring at Marnie transfixed. Unable to squelch the amused smile playing around my lips and a look in my eyes pretty much asking the question that I’m SURE you’re thinking.. ZOMG! ARE YOU KIDDING?????? Marnie who hath no shame says to the waiter while looking him straight in the stomach (higher.. there ya go) eyes..  all defensive and full of (fill in the blank) and indignation too..

“I’m sorry but you must have the WRONG table. Uhhhhhh. I ordered the plain oatmeal with a side of steamed non-fat soy like I get EVERY morning. (wink) Go find out who ordered this before it gets cold and I’ll just wait for mine. Ohhhh Wait. (Looks at me) Deeeeaaaaaarrrrrr.. would YOU like to have this?”

I swear.. can you even get over the nerve? The poor sweet KillJoy waiter was NOT getting Marnies body language AT ALL. The shrugs, the bottom lip pout, the winks. What’s with the winking Marnie.. you plan on slipping him a quarter when my head is turned for his l-o-y-a-l-t-y?

Granny (woefully) turned away our sweet and sorely MISTAKEN waiter.. who did indeed decide it was best to leave the heart attack on a plate for me and emerge a few minutes later with Marnies delicious and full of visual appeal, bowl of groats. Not thrilled with her lumpy bowl of lukewarm oats, Marnie predictably turned her sites to my side of the table and began to eye my every move with what I’m sure can only be categorized as.. LUST. Apparently it’s just been recently discovered that to lose weight not only must you watch what you eat.. you must monitor what everybody eating AROUND you is eating and remark on the nutritional information and how it will help increase the size of my THEIR already rather “BIGGISH posterior”. Meh

It was a lovely way to start the New Year. But don’t think for even a minute, that I would leave a perfectly good cinnamon roll sitting in some dark kitchen to meet it’s end in the trash. As we made our way out (in reverse mode) of the dining room, I promptly told grandma I forgot something and before I could go running back to retrieve my reward, she reaches into her bag..

“Looking for THIS?”

Bwahahahaha.

High FIVE granny.

-A

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