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HOMEWORKER HELPER

MIL Ru instructing Alien Dude in math. Wrong.

Dear Diary,

In commemoration of my now HEALTHY child made to (begrudgingly..pffff) remain home ONE MORE DAY, t-h-i-s time due to “Teachers in Service Day” also known SECRETLY as “Screw you.. maybe you should’ve rethought that bar of SOAP you gave us LAST year for our HOLIDAY gift.. DAY”. We (Alien Dude and I) decided to head over to visit granny (my MIL Ru) at Happy Daze Assisted Living. Ru..despite her (rumored) dementia, is a WIZ at anything numbers related. As long as it does not have to do with her room number, phone number or any kind of number on a scale that she’s ON. Then everything get’s all twisted and confusing. We forget to carry the 1’s into the tens column, we accidentally subtract 45 (lbs.) for clothes          instead of 5. Then we end up with a pathetic and so OBVIOUSLY wrong answer for our total weight. Because..I’m sorry.. you are so NOT 110 Lbs and a size 4. Grade: F

On the flip side Ru is totally AMAZING in the telling and fixing of story problems. So— What happens when you take ONE little brownie and are asked to share it with two other girls.. who you can’t remember their names..but we’ll call them “Y” and “Z” who have been waiting for like.. FOREVER for that brownie?  There is only ONE left because someone put them in her PURSE earlier and snuck them back to her room. Someone. We shall call HER “?”. K. You got that? Write it down on a piece of paper so I can check your work later people. Then, “Y” leaves to go use the bathroom and doesn’t ever come back.. because she “got distracted” playing with the new automatic hand soap dispenser. How many QUARTERS must the brownie be split into for the remaining “?” and her girls “Z” and the still absent “Y”? The answer of course is a no brainer. You don’t split it.. you run like HALLE out of the room with the remaining brownie shoved into your open mouth with “Y” running after you with toilet paper hanging— Adhered to her bunny slippers and “Z” flipping out.. not to mention “?” shrieking with brownie spewing from her lips. So is that amazing? Ru’s kind of like a GENIUS.

Alien Dude is struggling over 4th grade algebraic equations.. and seeing that I am not in a position to help him in the slightest considering I cheated on every single math test I ever took from the second grade on. Probably if they had HAD calculators instead of those drat counting beads I would have been like a total mathematician instead of a girl who still counts on her fingers all secretively. Oh pleeeeze.. YOU KNOW I’m not actually DRYING my “wet finger nail polish” when I’m wiggling the digits after lunch while trying to figure out the tip. For this very reason.. I need to employ the skills of my MIL. I am SO ASHAMED.

Happily when I ran upstairs to get granny, she wasn’t already involved in watching the paint peel yet. Just too DRAT absorbed in MTV Disaster Date and Worlds Strictest Parents for the last..What? TWO HOURS.

“Well. Would you look at who’s HERE? Did you come to spring me OUT?”

ME: Maybe. You feeling SHARP today? (Stupid. Stupid. Question.)

RU: As sharp as to be expected under these mitigating circumstances.

Ummmm. So. That was a very cognizant and well stated comeback granny. Someone who didn’t KNOW you as I do.. might venture to guess that you ripped it off from Dr. Phil. Heh.

Alien Dude needs your assistance downstairs..should we see what HE wants? Notice how I avoid the word “help” at all cost. I throw that word into the mix and the next thing I know she’s bandying it all about for the next week..maybe even two. “My DIL asked me for HELP” or “I have to go HELP my DIL”. Wait..THIS is my fav, “I can’t do Happy Hands class today all 23 of you sitting before me..BECAUSE my DIL can’t do math without my.. OMG here it comes. Cue the slow motion.. HEEEEELLLLLLLLPPPPP.

There sits Alien Dude explaining to his awesome granny exactly WHAT his problem seems to be. He’s all.. I DON’T GET WHAT “X” IS? Then Ru becomes very quiet and I assume she’s doing some deep mental calculations because she does that gazing blankly into space thing (and so freakin WELL I might add).

“Grandma?”

“Yes dear?”

“What’s the answer?”

RU: To what?

Alien Dude: What is “X”?

RU: (thoughtful expression) A letter in the alphabet. I seem to remember it comes after Y.

And so I ask myself.. the very same thing. WHY?

A

Copyright © 2009 My Sandwich Generation. All rights reserved.

Posted in Uncategorized 7 years, 7 months ago at 7:23 pm.

4 comments

4 Replies

  1. When my grandma lived with us I was in junior high and when shed tried to help me with writing a paper she started talking about the Bible. She can somehow tie what’s in the Bible to ANYTHING.

  2. Adrienne Nov 16th 2009

    THAT my dear Lauren is the SKILL of the granny;)

  3. As usual… I was feeling a bit down today. And as usual… visiting your blog made me laugh. Thanks for the therapy. How much do I owe you?

    My grandmothers were from Greece. And although they were good at math, unless the problems included “lambs” such as in: Georgio had three lambs, and Nick had eight, how many lambs would it take to make four lamb intestine pies?” there was no chance of me getting any help. And although “x” appears in the Greek alphabet and are used in Algebra, they preferred using the “Omega” and “Sigma” Greek letters which I think then cross us over to Trigonometry and Geometry if I’m not mistaken.
    Later A!

  4. Adrienne Nov 18th 2009

    Awhhhhh Ted so sorry you’re feeling down and glad you turned to MY pain and suffering to help you through! Ru thinks..just like YOUR grannies, SHE’S from Grease 2;)