IN THE MOOD
Dear Diary,
Life’s predictability got you down? Is every day just a repeat of the one before? Well, now there’s hope for all of you who crave a change from the monotony of the daily grind. I found it and now I’ll share it with you. Through this exclusive, limited, ONE time offer— You can borrow my MIL Ruth (dementia) for..What? Five hours..maybe six? Money back guaranteed, if not delighted. Chase away your doldrums and add punch to your day. That’s right. Act now and I’ll even throw in a COSTCO size Prunes..plus, your own “be prepared” bag filled with all kinds of goodies (a $55 value..the DEPENDS alone were $20). All THIS for.. Absolutely NOTHING. Yup! You heard right.. What a bargain huh? Going once. Going twice. Going three times. YO. Just shout out any time. Going four. Five. Cripes! Maybe you want to know what you GET for your money. I can’t tell you exaaactly what you’ll get.. but I can assure you you’ll be in for a surprise..Every. Single. Time. And oh how fun THAT is.
I don’t have a problem with moody people. When I walk into Happy Daze Assisted Living and head up to floor ROAM I actually get a few butterflies’ just contemplating all the excitement that might befall me as I walk through the faux bookcase doors. I guess you’d say I’m a bit of an adrenaline junkie. Down the catwalk (I can HEAR you whispering trash about ME to Lena..Shirley. My butt hasn’t changed size FYI) I go. Rounding the corner I enter the dining hall..like some of those guests stepping onto the Oprah stage for the first time.. a tad skittish with a smidge of terror and a “holy cow” grin plastered upon their faces.
Now it can go two ways. Ruth will either be sitting on the couch with the rest of her peeps..just chillin’ talking smack about Ellen’s pension for hussy behavior and happily guffawing away with the rest of them. Then—upon seeing me.. Ruth will wave and jump up and kiss me and introduce me around.
(Sweet chirping voice) “A”..I’d like to introduce you to my friend.. Ummm Frank? No. You’re not Frank. You’re Ned..No. Not Ned? Aren’t you that guy who I see all the time in the hall and wave to? Well..then your name is Ned. That’s what I’ll call you from now on. Ned.
or with sucky bad luck I’ll get..
Sitting in a chair off to one side with a look of pure contempt for having been kept waiting for over five minutes for her “Chai Tea” class to begin. Then when laying eyes on me.. my greeting will change e-v-e-r so slightly.
(Piss and Vinegar voice) “Adrienne. Look what they are having us do? Can you believe this? We’re all just sitting around like a bunch of dummies? So, let’s do something. Can you dance?”
Every once in awhile..I have to admit..Ruth wakes up a little on the pensive and brooding side. Then it’s all..w-h-a-t-e-v-e-r. We just adjust the activity of the day from a jog around the courtyard to.. staring at the fish bowl. Not hugely entertaining, but it’s NOT me were trying to entertain. O.K. that’s not ENTIRELY true. It’s a better day when Ruth and I can watch Harriet cuss out Faye for cussing out Ted for trying to put his hand on her thigh. Yeah..fascinating. The best plan I have on these PMS (Problematic Mother-in-law Situation) days is to lay low and try not to get an accessory of some sort thrown at me (macaroni tube necklace or plastic pink lei).
I’m a ONE mood at a time type of gal. If we’re going to PMS then I know how to redirect and do foolish things like reading some tabloid trash (my twitter page) to take Ruth’s mind off of whatever it is that’s irritating. But, I tend to get slightly confused when “moody Madge” switches it up on me every 20min. so that I don’t know who I have standing in her UGGS in front of me at any given time. I can do “peeved to happy to jubilant” It’s the “darling to irked to flipping me off” that I stink at. I could be in the middle of a charming chat with Ruth and some of the girls around the staff hangout..and out of nowhere..KABOOM!
“I’ve had enough of THESE people. Don’t they know I have things to do?” (Um. I’m sure they did Ruth but it slipped their minds..entirely.) STOMP. STOMP. “Well don’t just stand there..take me home. In fact..NO. I’ll walk home.”
Off goes Ruth with yours truly following closely behind. Swerving down the hall like a girl that’s had a few too many Prunetini’s, Ruth seeks out her residence. Slight problem. WRONG Hallway. Hmmm. Wait. She’s pulling a U’y and heading back towards me.
“Now what do you want? Are you following me? Who moved my room?”
The best treatment for these little episodes is some rest and liquids..
And wait for Ruth to find her way back to her room.
My Sandwich Generation— a valuable piece of information for you. Sometimes when your senior parent acts a bit weird and you have ruled out relationship turmoil such as but not limited to:
1. Breaking up with one or more of boyfriends listed in little black book on nightstand.
1a. Catching Hattie putting moves on love interest when preoccupied with “corn removal” on feet.
1b. Finding love interest in somebody else’s bed. Not realizing that it WAS his bed— Betty just THOUGHT it was hers..by mistake.(wink wink)
Then you must rule out physical causes. Just remember..wait till they cool DOWN before collecting “specimen” from a pissy parent.
Going once. Going twice.
SOLD.
A
Copyright © 2009 My Sandwich Generation. All rights reserved.
Love this post!