Man Hunt
Dear Diary,
I was shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, to discover that over the weekend my MIL Ru had a life changing experience and I was like the thirteenth person to find out about it. Thank GAWD for Selma and the rest of the “bridal party” on ROAM who greeted me at the door with, “Have you met Ru’s new husband.. or weren’t you invited?” because I would’ve positively pee’d my pants (thus joining the masses) had the news come from the brides mouth herself. This is where I send a big wave and a high five to the staff at Happy Daze Assisted, for not only honoring our PACT.. but going that EXTRA step in customer satisfaction, that so few dementia floors are willing to take these days. And to think, this loving relationship between Ru and.. ummm.. man, was borne out of my penned instructions on a hot pink sticky note placed strategically in Ru’s care plan all covered with serious swirly heartage and kisses, to garner the attention it demanded due to it’s URGENT nature.
To whom it may concern:
The MINUTE a new man shows up, HE MUST immediately be escorted down the hall with CARE to his room, under super heavy maxi protection. He then shall be placed into his CLOSET, where he will be held for his own safety, for a short 24-hour period with NO FEMALE VISITORS other then Ru. There will be NO dining room or STRETCHING class where there CAN and HAVE been instances of leg touching and arm bumping that can lead to unauthorized courtships.. UNTIL Ru, has had significant time to be introduced (ten to twenty times) and signed off on her First Right of Refusal sheet. Then and only THEN will it be considered open hunting season for Marion, Blanche and Jojo and they can freely resume combative territorial behaviors and pathetic courtship jockeying. Thanks so much. Love you guys (insert heart and kiss) Me.
Now that we all know how desperate I’ve become to fix up Ru with a man, in a selfishly motivated plan to lighten my own work load by improving HER quality of life. GA. Try to understand that times have been tough around ROAM. We’re talking a dry spell of Sahara desert proportions and Ru’s even beginning to SEE men that aren’t even there. She’ll be sitting at lunch and see a coat hanging over a chair and next thing you know she’s shrieking, “TAKE your hands off him Blanche.. it’s mine. Go buy your own.” And don’t think I haven’t considered THAT option as well.
Maybe we might all agree that perhaps I went a tad too far grabbing one of our male staffers by the collar and threatening him with, “YOU FIND SOMEONE AND MAKE IT STICK OR YOU’RE A DEAD MAN”. But did I know that soon, through some odd twist of fate (even odder then the twisted fate I’m presently enjoying) a MAN should happen along and find himself on this dementia floor (by mistake or on purpose.. who really cares) and become..
“DADDY? Is that YOU?”
Ru’s staring at me positively HORRIFIED, while her groom has this look on his face like, WHACKO’S live here too? Good to know. Then as calmly as possible Ru begins the introductions. While I’m going to start flipping out any second about not getting pictures you guys.. and oh.. what about not getting a chance to GIVE HER AWAY. CRIPES! Have I not waited like FOREVER to do a give away?
“Uhhhhhhh. I want you to meet my DIL.”
ME: Hi. (looking at MIL) What’s his name Ru?
“Well.. lets see. I know it’s something that rhymes with Frank.”
“Bill.”
You guys register anywhere?
-A
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