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Where’s the BEEF?

My MIL Ru wants to know WHERE'S THE BEEF?Dear Diary,

Talk about my MIL Ru being HAPPY to see me. I’m practically getting a swelled up head after this mornings visit. I was feeling full of (some sort of D word) DELIGHT as I rapidly proceeded through the automatic doors of Happy Days Assisted Living. Which in case you encounter them, I should tell you— it’s a TRAP. They’re secretly triggered to slam HARD and FAST when sensing movement or you know, signs of.. LIFE. I happened to be feeling pretty lucky today so I paced myself with another residents entrance.. the thinking BEING, that if WE were going to get smashed I’d let Mildred take the brunt of it with her metal walker to buffer her and I’d just drop and roll. Of course Mildred not being (much of) a dummy, knew something was up when I squished in with her all snug between the bars and tried to angle it so she went in first.

Then I bolt over to the elevator before Mildred can join me.. jump in and press the “door close” button, totally missing the fact that STANLEY (smacking forehead) was already in there. OMG. How screwed am I? You guys-this is S-T-A-N-L-E-Y. As in, FLAT (short for flatulence) Stanley.  Yuh huh. Gag. Gag. Why he feels that he’s entitled to BREATHE in the small confines of this elevator for two floors.. and I am NOT.. I do not know. But being the martyr that I am.. I say nothing and hold MY breath before I fling myself out the minute the doors open gasping for fresher “air”. Naturally the joke’s on me because.. Ha. So NOT going to find it.. HERE.

Bursting through the dementia floor faux bookcase I’m feeling ready to be completely accepted and loved by people I like to refer to as MY PEOPLE. Except TODAY.. MY people have pissy scowls on their faces and look like they want to scalp me when I let loose with,

“Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan.. let me rock you Let me rock you, Chaka Khan Let me rock you, that’s all I wanna do..”

All the while— doing that stupid thing that I do with my pretend mic and my uncoordinated jerky spasms. Johns yelling, “Would you turn that THING DOWN” and Blanche is all, “Would somebody HELP her.. I think she’s having seizures.” I blow them both off choosing instead to grab onto Marion’s hands and try to get her to do a little turn with a twist. But that went badly.

Then you guys.. out of the BLUE I hear this booming thunderous voice YELL, “Well? Did you BRING anyone with youuuuu? Like.. (slight fervored pitch) a MAN?”

Ru.. ummmmm. Did I KNOW I was supposed to bring a man today? Because if you TOLD me a MAN was DUE.. I guarantee he would be here and turned in promptly. Then for full effect, I creatively add something she would NEVER in a million years be able to DISPROVE, “like I ALWAYS do”.

Apparently granny wasn’t buying any of it because when I looked up around the point I heard myself lamely say, ” maybe the dog ate my homework”, I noticed Ru march around the corner by the dining room to search inside and upon being satisfied HE wasn’t in there.. immediately headed towards Sylvia’s room. Makes perfect sense to me. I’m going to s-n-e-a-k a guy onto a dementia floor and then be, “Quick dude! In here! I’ll hide you in Sylvia’s.. DEPENDS drawer?

Oh PLEEEEEZE Ru’Mae. Look. Assuming I did indeed have prior knowledge of said MAN— I would’ve written it down on these (pulling gum wadded foils from coat pocket) SPECIAL note papers, “and I don’t see anything on here except nasty chewed Bubble Yum.. do YOU?” Oh Ru.. COME ON. Why the face? Is it Show and TELL day?

One really unwise move my friends.. is to ever mess around with my MIL and the topic of.. homework. If she THINKS she’s told me, then WHY oh WHY would I EVAH think to question?

“Why don’t you CALM down and tell me exactly what you said to me yesterday, word for word. K? Go.”

RU: Well, first I remember I said something about you having a gigantic spot on your pant leg that you’d tried to get out by dipping KLEENEX in water and rubbing it all around. I thought THAT was funny and I laughed at your stupidity. Then Blanche came in.. to see why I was laughing and she started to HOWL when trying to put powder on it you dumped it all over the floor.. and the girl came and..

You have five MORE seconds then I’m going to have to DQ you from the game and move on to the next question.

RU: I said something like.. Well.. Oh I don’t remember.

ME: Cognitus interruptus?

RU: Yup.

ME: No worries.

My Sandwich Generation newbies.. life can get dull at times for your senior. Remember when you go to visit, always have some sort of age appropriate entertainment on hand. It doesn’t need to be much, because, let’s face it when faced with the option of playing with your SPIN ART application on your phone or watching the paint flake off the wall with the rest of the group.. it’s a pretty sure bet she’s going to choose the arts and crafts option. If all else fails and YOU don’t want to.. arrange to bring up a little ENTERTAINMENT and sing along.

I FEEL for you..


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Posted in Uncategorized 14 years, 2 months ago at 10:25 pm.

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