Mad Hatter
Dear Diary,
First off.. I’d like to thank Happy Daze Assisted Living for really zeroing in on and bringing to LIFE a hidden talent in my MIL Ru (dementia) that quite frankly I had no IDEA existed. One can only imagine the tremendous JOY and yes, PRIDE I get from being accosted by an over zealous sales girl shoving this gaudy foam VISOR at me, the very SECOND I walk into her room on the ROAM (Random Occasional Accidental Memory) floor. So what do I do? I let out some obligatory OOOHHHH’S and AHHHH’s.. which MAYBE I overdid a smidge— because then Ru starts PITCHING me the selling points of said HAT. Leaning in really close, I swear she was basically flaying me with the merchandise. Then she’s all—LOOK HERE what’s-your-face. I want you to know this VISOR was l-o-v-i-n-g-l-y hand made by me and I painstakingly added all these little die-cut foam shapes. Look.. it’s an adorable little turtle and the smiley face guy. I affixed them to the visor MYSELF. Hmpf. Wellllll?
This is the part where my CLERK goes all (more) delusional on me and starts DEMANDING I cough up the purported RETAIL asking price for her one of a kind, SIGNED for authentication purposes “work of art”. No kidding you guys. It’s almost as if she doesn’t know how to do business with a wise and LUCID customer after trying to pitch Walter and George all day. Pash-awww. Think. Granny. Why would they want to buy YOUR marked up 1000% special hat (with nary a rhinestone I might add), when they already have their own subpar (covered with all kinds of crap) “hood” which I heard (while sitting on the bench by the fish tank) they’ll turn around and SPIN to a hard up SELMA.. who dumped glue all over hers as per USUAL.
So.. in my own very easy ZEN way, I set Ru straight..
“What are you NUTS? Get a life granny. I’m SOOOO sure. You know what YOU’RE doing? You’re u-s-i-n-g dementia art projects that took all of FIVE minutes as a way to extort $25 bucks from your own FAMILY. Shocking.”
Ru looks at me with her world famous KITTY EYES and says, Nahhhhh. I don’t THINK I ever had that thought. Just go ahead and take a good look at this one-of-a-kind, hand crafted, piece of art. When you think of it as an INVESTMENT piece that you’ll wear and enjoy FOREVER on the courts.. it makes SENSE to pay top dollar. Nowwww what’s your decision?
Yah huh.. that could work except for one small detail. I don’t PLAY tennis. Remember? Too “CLUMSY” somebody once told me. Ring a bell?
GAAAAAAA. Fine. You take lay-a-way?
I’m SURE the asking price is due to granny thinking that she had a LIVE one with deep pockets (judging by my really expensive borrowed plastic G.I. Jo watch no doubt). Little did she suspect that I’m but a mere TIRE KICKER, with no real intention to purchase.. not now. Not ever. Period. Ummm.. also granny my husband (your SON) has told me repeatedly that I’m to make no unnecessary purchases on a whim without prior joint discussion. K? Period. Plussssss.. OMG I left my wallet in my suitcase headed for Tahiti.. do you take credit cards? Period.
After you tell the straight up truth.. because (sing song voice) HONESTY is the best policy (snort). The next step, MY Sandwich Generation friends.. if this situation should everrrrr happen to you. Would be to PROMPTLY and without delay.. re-direct. Re-FREAKIN direct.
Ru decided on second thought (Cuz there HAD to be more then ONE) that I was indeed a pathetic lookie loo and decided instead to GIFT me the visor. On one condition. That I walk up and down the hallways to MODEL her work and then hit the dining room for the FINALE. No problem until I caught a glimpse of Ru standing behind me in the mirror making a lovely “P” shape with her fingers on her forehead. That I have no DOUBT was intended to be an “L” for LOSER sign, but the signals got crossed. Granny’s all, I don’t know what YOU’RE talking about. I had a little itch on my eyebrow that’s ALL (cough cough).
Thank you Happy Daze for your great and I might add useful projects that produce a whole new crop of gifted and TALENTED designers (cons).. ready to take the fashion world by storm.
Be on the lookout for the new RU VISOR on your very own ROAM floor.
Coming soon!
-A
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Family always makes for good times.