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HAPPY MEAL

Dear Diary,

I am sitting here watching Granny Marnie (electric scooter girl).. watching my eldest child SmartAlec— ravage his food. Exciting? Perhaps not for you. But may I go on record as saying that there is nothing more entertaining (sorry Tori and Dean) as witnessing Granny Marnie’s look of sheer HORROR as her 11 yr. old great grandson shoves full salad plate sized PANCAKES into his eager little mouth in ONE bite. I would compare her reaction, to.. one I might expect to see in the random ZOO observer..while visiting the reptile house (on a Sunday afternoon..7/3/06). Oh look. It’s Mr. King Cobra enjoying his afternoon repast of ..some kind of prey he’s now swallowing whole. EEEEEEK..OOOOOHHHH. EHHHHHHH. BLECCCCH. How disgusting. Vile, depressing and yet—d-i-s-t-u-r-b-i-n-g-l-y fascinating. Personally..I ran away at the first sign that Mickey Mouse was something MORE than the play-date I though he was. Marnie this morning—is living THIS moment.. Mimicking, motion-by-motion SmartAlec’s gustatory style:

1. Focuses in on the captured food stuff (flap jack) stabbed by (cheap stainless steel) weapon..

2. Eyes bulging out wide with anticipation and then..

3. O-p-e-n-i-n-g of Mouth real WIIIIDE.

As quick as can be..BAM. IN. IT. GOES. Swallowed in one gulp.

“Repulsive. I have never seen anyone eat like that..ever. Did your mother teach you to eat like that?”

Oh. Yeah. Marnie. I sat my boys down at a very young age and instructed them in the fine art of Cro-Magnon table etiquette. “Hey boys. Don’t make me ask you again to go spit out your tree bark before you squat down on mommy’s nice clean hovel floor. GA. How many times do I have to tell you to USE your fingers? NOT your flint tool when you shove that (some species of dinosaur) into your mouth. Can you chew HIM up really well sweetie before you take another bite?

You know I should have been alerted to this tendency in SmartAlec as a young lad. When it came time to “OPEN” for a spoonful of rice cereal mixed with applesauce and sweet potato (the average 10 month old fare of champions) SmartAlec would put his little baby hands around mine and shove the whole mess into his face. Marnie doesn’t think this is cute at all.

“I can’t STAND it. SmartAlec—take that out of your MOUTH now.”

SmartAlec is looking at me all.. “do I do as she says mom?” with his cheeks bulging out to the max.. unable to utter a sound for fear of spewing pancakes all hither thither. I caught out of the corner of my eye.. his little brother AlienDude trying to inconspicuously scoot HIS chair over to the table across the way. Might it be weird for you to sit with STRANGERS dear? Always a shy child..I was impressed by AlienDudes apparent boldness in desperate times. While— In a universe far far away.. Thinking his way out of tough dilemmas is one of SmartAlec’s strong points. I watch him chew and swallow..little by little with his napkin shielding him from the eagle eyes of granny..who NOW has a new mission in life. What’s this? He’s pretending to CRY and dab at his eyes to elicit sympathy from.. Miss. Manners on crack. Ha. Don’t count on it.

“How can I E-V-E-R take you out again..eating like THAT. Why don’t I let you go sit outside and be all “nom nom” with your “eats” sitting in a barn with other ANIMALS for company.”(Not an exact quote..but you get the gist) I’m praying here that SmartAlec doesn’t finish too quickly what’s in his mouth knowing there’s NOTHING he would like MORE..and I don’t want Marnie to get her Granny panties in a (bigger) bunch then they ALREADY are. So. Say NOTHING child of mine if you know what’s good for you.

ME: Marnie. OMG. Look over there. Isn’t that Bertha Groonley with that Frank guy? I thought Irma was going out with him. What happened?

Am I the mother of all awesomeness or what? I know Marnie has a weakness for all things higher learning. She is definitely going to want to own this little piece of somethin’ for the dinnertime conversation du jour.

MARNIE (waving to Bertha to come over to our table): Well.. How are you doing d-e-a-r? I’d love to introduce you to my kids..

BERTHA (looking straight at SmartAlec): What a nice young man you have here Marnie. I have an adorable great granddaughter who would L-O-V-E to play with him.

Bwahahaha. SmartAlec’s eyes are tearing up..again and he is trying to swallow really fast now..without choking and making some sort of guttural sound. If I had felt that it was really important to UNDERSTAND him, I might have sidled up..listened really closely..and deciphered an emphatic..NOOOOOOOO. But. I was enjoying this MUCH. TOO. MUCH. With pancake shoved in there it came out..MEEEEEH.

Marnie and Bertha looked delighted..for a split second. Then the attention shifted once more to the table in the corner. Stupid move over at the Johnstone party of five table, AlienDude. Probably shouldn’t have guffawed as loudly as you did and brought full attention YOUR way.

Every time we go out for a meal now with Marnie..SmartAlec knows that in order to survive the scrutiny of granny he will need to perform his dining ritual in true British royalty form. He will cut up his food using something other then his TEETH and he will n-e-v-e-r have so much in his mouth at any given time.. that he won’t be CLEARLY understood when he says NO to a playdate..with people driving pink bikes.

I’ll take mine to go.

A

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