Family Jewels
Dear Diary,
I have come to the conclusion that..YES..diamonds are a girls best friend. Not just diamonds mind you— but any kind of bling..be it a faux Jade stretchy bracelet, shiny cocktail sized ring with a big gaping hole in the center or strands of the most finely crafted, one of a kind, hand painted dry macaroni product. Even if the girl has Alzheimer’s and her vision is so poor that she demands to wear mix and match clip on earrings with just the clips remaining..that deeply ingrained ritual of putting on the jewels will continue till the very LAST GREEN BEAD on her tin Mardi Gras lavalier busts.
My MIL Ruth (dementia) may not remember much these days..but she always remembers that jewelry completes the look of most any outfit. That’s why I was not one tiny bit surprised this morning when I walked in on Ruth decked out in her Laura Ashley pajama top tucked into her Liz Claiborne shorts bedecked in finery from head to toe. Ahhh. Good Ruth. I see you’ve finished off the sporty “come as you are” look with a nice double strand of beige plastic pearls, a crocodile textured cuff..with half of the croc. paper peeled away and one pearl clip on earring..minus the pearl.
“My.. aren’t WE looking nicely put together today. Who’s your personal shop-per?”
We all know WHO her personal shopper is.. HEllO-O-O-O? Ex NORDY girl.. PEOPLE. But, I am not going to take credit once the clothes are deposited in Ruth’s closet (and ruin my rep). That’s when it’s up to my CLIENT to decide how she wants to express herself..create her own special look with the pieces I’ve brought for her.
“I like what you’ve done with that one earring thing. Kind of edgy chic without looking like you’re TRYING too hard.”
“What did you do with my BROOCH and necklace? I‘ve looked everywhere. Did you borrow them and FORGET to tell me?”
Mmmmmm..K. Blame it on me why don’t cha?
“It was my faaaaavorite pin and I have been racking my brain (as if it hasn’t suffered enough) trying to find it. That’s just the s-t-r-a-n-g-e-s-t thing.”
Missing jewels are a common complaint around Happy Daze Assisted Living. You really shouldn’t leave your nice Magical Shrinky Dink plastic flower pin laying around for someone to slip in their pocket..
GRETA.
Not that I’m naming names..but when Greta showed up for lunch and came to sit with us. Ruth and I started to eye her “Brooch” with high suspicion and began kicking each other under the table (OOPS..sorry Fred) and doing small eye circles. That’s when I began some subtle interrogation tactics and she got all..“Do you like it? My husband bought in for me in the South of France. It was so romantic. He got down on his hands and knees and asked me to marry him. I think there was a necklace to go with it..but I misplaced it. YOU know how that is?” Ruth and I fell silent. Does Greta really think we would fall for that tale? Puh-leeze.
He proposed with a SHRINKY-DINK pin?
“Oh that is sooo romantic. How long were you there? I remember the cutest little..”
RUTH. STAY. FOCUSED.
My turn to ask a few questions..you know..see if I could make the old sly fox slip.
“Greta when did you visit France?”
GRETA: Ummm. Did I say that? I’d have to say a month or so ago.
RUTH: Me too!
Ruth had wanted to wear the “expensive” macaroni necklace to lunch so badly.
We spent about a half an hour looking in pockets, searching through drawers and sorting through the garbage (other wise known as the recycle center..everything thrown in..magically reappears). NOTHING. I always have faith that these things happen for a reason..so, I decided to have Ruth look on the bright side..
“You wouldn’t have wanted to wear it anyhow. It’s NOT IN. Haven’t you noticed that NOBODY’S wearing them? Look at this (handing her a copy of VOGUE) do you see anyone wearing that necklace in HERE?”
RUTH: I’m surprised.
ME: yeah I KNOW..pffffff.
Of course I rely heavily on Ruth’s bad eyes when feeding her semi-truths such as this. Probably every girl on ROAM (dementia floor) would be wearing her colored macaroni necklace today..except granny. Well, whatever. Out of sight out of mind. There will be others..unfortunately.
Confession time. About that expensive pasta bauble..I don’t know how it happened but.. I found it on the back seat of my car.
Bzzzz.
LIE.
I DO know how it happened. I thought it was ridiculous for Ruth to ruin a perfectly good look with some pathetic excuse for an accessory, so I wrapped it up, tucked it in my purse and smuggled it out. I don’t think I had any witnesses..but Greta kept giving me a conspiratorial smirk after lunch, which makes me wonder.
I thought the whole matter long forgotten (10 min. rule) and then tonight my big mouth children called granny:
“It was such a great day. Alien dude had a play date and I got the TV all to MYSELF. Then I went swimming and had ice cream. Huh? We had a great dinner tonight. Yup. We had pasta..”
CRIPES. NOOOOOOOO. Don’t go there. My kid is looking at me like my hair is on fire. I’m mouthing “say goodbye” and he’s just laughing..I am SO going to ground your little..
“..it was
PURPLE. Yeah. Purple PASTA. I don’t know how it got that way. You’ll have to ask my mom.” MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! PHHHHHHOOOOONNNNEEEEEEE!
Busted.
My Sandwich Generation..May I suggest you hide all of your seniors’ expensive jewels and load up on disposable bling. They’ll feel like a million bucks without setting you back more then $20. Then if it turns up MIA..no biggie. Now about that ring with the hole in it. Let’s see your finger.
Put a ring on it!
A
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